Staying well

Fast tracking problems - anti dwelling- identifying the moment

replies: 91

I have, through natural processes, chased methods of how I can more quickly overcome roadblocks in my life. This is fundamentally due to having had a stressed life eg long relationships failing and the grief processes along with them. Over time I've ... View more

I have, through natural processes, chased methods of how I can more quickly overcome roadblocks in my life. This is fundamentally due to having had a stressed life eg long relationships failing and the grief processes along with them. Over time I've grown less tolerant of that grief and become more desperate to leap frog them onto happier times. This is why I'm sharing this with you as it has saved me from much hurt. The scenario- A long term relationship begins to fail. You've tried counselling and changes, nothing works. Your partner says they no longer are in love with you. Your natural strategy is save the relationship but you've already tried doing that with counselling... what extra counselling will you both need that would reverse this falling out of love development? Sometimes a partner will hold on forever waiting until all their issues vanish, they rarely ever do. When is the time to be realistic? Well that is subjective but as a rule of thumb there are signs that pop up regularly that tell you it can be saved or cant be saved. Eg both declaring love for each other and acknowledging outside stresses are to blame is a "can be saved" moment. A "I'm not in love with you now" is a "cant be saved" moment. Those phrases may be comments that are regretful and expressing that could go from cant be saved to reconsidering if it can be saved, but this isnt common. I had a "cant be saved" moment in a past relationship. My partner over many years had manipulated our finances to become the number one controller of our money. I was on an allowance. By this time I wasnt happy about it and felt my easy going demeanour resulted in being taken advantage of. I was earning 3 times her salary but always treat us to equal. Then a lifelong passion arrived- to purchase a special vehicle. That car would be owned by our company so it was a tax incentive... or we pay extra tax, so it was also clever to buy. She was not a car person so rejected the idea. At one point in our discussions she made a statement- "you can have the car but you have to save for it out of your allowance". I worked it out to take 42 years. That night we talked and that moment it "cant be saved" came "well start saving". I've discussed "passions" in other threads but a passion is a burning desire and those without a passion dont have that feeling and cant relate. It was over. So, making quick decisions saves us from more hurt and dragging out issues- nip it in the bud!. Your thoughts? TonyWK

Cant make friends

replies: 1

Hey, i really struggle to make good friends. I feel like i have heaps of distant friends who ive met through work and school, but none that i would hang out with deliberately. I had a work party tonight and made small talk with everyone but im no one... View more

Hey, i really struggle to make good friends. I feel like i have heaps of distant friends who ive met through work and school, but none that i would hang out with deliberately. I had a work party tonight and made small talk with everyone but im no ones best friend. The girls tonight were so bubbly and having fun meanwhile i get left behind and talked over. No matter what community i go too i just cant fit in and i dont know whats wrong with me. The places i work, go to school, go to uni, even my family i just dont fit in anywhere and am just like a background character. Its so awful i always feel like i need to move away as if the other community will me different but it never is. Its just me and im boring.

advice for a 19yr old

replies: 7

hellooooits my 19th birthday today, and i’m grateful to celebrate it but in the back of my mind i’m pretty embarrassed. i’ve never had a job before and it’s really been getting to me, to the point where im starting to equate my self worth to it. i’ve... View more

hellooooits my 19th birthday today, and i’m grateful to celebrate it but in the back of my mind i’m pretty embarrassed. i’ve never had a job before and it’s really been getting to me, to the point where im starting to equate my self worth to it. i’ve been trying endlessly to find a job since i was 15, i’ve had some interviews but i’ve mainly been ghosted after them. i’m not the best socially, i’ve been called timid and socially awkward so i just want some advice on how to overcome feeling like a failure, and how to persevere from here. thank youuuuu

I don't know whether to get any sort of immediate or professional support.

replies: 2

Yesterday, a person who I trauma dumped on told me to seek out professional support. They recommended me direct websites to where I can talk about the issues I've had in high school; for the more erratic thoughts that I've taken on during the COVID l... View more

Yesterday, a person who I trauma dumped on told me to seek out professional support. They recommended me direct websites to where I can talk about the issues I've had in high school; for the more erratic thoughts that I've taken on during the COVID lockdowns with my grandpa passing away from heart issues, people speaking towards me in condescending or dismissive ways and a girl who pretended to make sexual advances over the phone despite me saying before then revealing that it was all a joke. The only issue I've had is that this has all happened to me four years ago. While I would like to talk about it directly, I don't yet possess adequate social skills, emotional intelligence nor life experience to talk about it in a way that can feel productive towards me. I did so once, but my parents didn't like how negative my mindset was from doing it. I've also been changing slowly; having wanted to take on jobs at home, work and university that to a great extent have supported me to have a greater emotional depth. I've returned to running/soccer, and I've slowly been embracing new activities like going to art galleries. The issues I need to work on that I came to in the end after I began to calm down after trauma dumping is that while I need to be more conscientious about how I say what's the problem, learn how to hear myself and others more, be honest and speak out the moment someone hurts; the greater feeling that keeps eating me inside is that I don't feel seen by others or I am not wanted by others unless it is beneficial for them. That even though people can and should high road me if I become too aggressive or toxic; it's the thought that no one wants to "call a spade a spade" and be more brutally honest towards themselves and the people around them that make them feel phony. It's sort of like Holden Caufield when he calls others "phonies"; though this time I've seen and heard more people directly lie and mistreat others. For me to believe that I can be healthier is to hold stop trying to be a good person and holding others to same idyllic version of themselves and instead find my center or middle ground, be more consistent and build myself up from. That happened less the last time I saw a professional.

Bad Dreams

replies: 3

I am having bad dreams at least once a week. Last night I had a dream about snakes and crocodiles. When these dreams occur I usually wake up 1-2 hours earlier than on other days. I am not sure what has triggered these bad dreams. I have never had the... View more

I am having bad dreams at least once a week. Last night I had a dream about snakes and crocodiles. When these dreams occur I usually wake up 1-2 hours earlier than on other days. I am not sure what has triggered these bad dreams. I have never had these bad dreams as often in the past.

Merry Christmas 2024

replies: 2

Hello Good People,Once again, I would like to wish everyone a very merry Christmas and the prospect of a very happy and peaceful new year in 2025.

Spending Christmas alone

replies: 12

I am 66, and my entire life has been a story of loneliness. I have never marries, have no children, partner of family. Since I recently was able to retire from work, to keep occupied, I decided to put something back into the community and have been d... View more

I am 66, and my entire life has been a story of loneliness. I have never marries, have no children, partner of family. Since I recently was able to retire from work, to keep occupied, I decided to put something back into the community and have been doing some volunteering 2 days a week that has given me a sense of belonging and feel it's given me a sense of belonging and a meaningful connection with other volunteers, staff and their members. Since my mother passed away in 2021, I have been spending Christmas day on my own at home, which I am OK with. However, since I’ve been volunteering, some of my colleagues will no doubt ask me how I will be spending Christmas? e (despite being popular) is alone this holiday.Sometimes I feel like fabricating some sort of story because I feel a bit embarrassed telling them I will be spending Christmas alone thinking that I’m a bit of a loner.My position reminds me of an episode in the TV series “Happy Days” where Richie found out Fonzie (despite being popular and saying he had plans) intends to spend Christmas day all alone. I was wondering if anyone has been in this situation how did they manage it when other people asked? e (despite being popular)

Merry Christmas 2023

replies: 9

I would like to take this opportunity to wish all of my dear friends on Beyond Blue a very merry Christmas and a Happy and Peaceful New Year in 2024. A heartfelt thankyou also to everyone who has taken an interest in what I have had to say throughout... View more

I would like to take this opportunity to wish all of my dear friends on Beyond Blue a very merry Christmas and a Happy and Peaceful New Year in 2024. A heartfelt thankyou also to everyone who has taken an interest in what I have had to say throughout 2023 and have been kind enough to reply. Some of what I have written maybe questionable but hopefully most of it was of some small help along the road to wherever we are all going. I would also like to wish all of those people who find themselves alone during this festive season, the sincere hope that their lives will improve beyond their greatest expectations and that they will find a way through life's little bumps in the road to enjoy this journey through time and space.amd1953

Recurring, confusing thoughts following psych appts

replies: 1

Hi, I have had a pretty low year - I moved cities (in an attempt to experience change after a stagnant few years), had a period of suicidal ideation at the start of the year after a breakup (which I’m still working through over a year on - being my f... View more

Hi, I have had a pretty low year - I moved cities (in an attempt to experience change after a stagnant few years), had a period of suicidal ideation at the start of the year after a breakup (which I’m still working through over a year on - being my first relationship and quite complex), and ultimately have been struggling with pretty debilitating depression and social anxiety. I’m quite stubborn and have some really big trust issues, so I haven’t been very honest with many people about the ‘difficulties’ I’ve had. But I have been consistently seeing my psych of a few years regularly through the year. I have a frustrating relationship with/mindset around psych appointments. I've always struggled with trusting that my psych’s response to what I tell them is genuine and they're not secretly judging me. I also am incredibly hard on myself (I’ve been told, although I feel like everyone is) and just cannot silence or turn down the voice, no matter what I try, so I judge myself SO heavily about what I’ve said following appointments. I also have some abandonment issues so I think my psych (and everyone else) doesn’t want anything to do with me and wants to stop seeing me, but is too kind to confront me about that. This year, I can (now, finally) see that I’ve slipped into this norm of being very low, not making much of an effort to improve, using my mental health as an excuse, and am just a pretty lifeless person to be around. I’ve been having a lot of thoughts since my last psych appointment, where I raised that I had realised I have very poor emotional resilience. She didn’t disagree (I wouldn’t want her to lie to try to protect me, but I guess I was almost hoping she’d say something in my defence), so that has cemented it in my head and made me go back through so many conversations and feel so guilty and ashamed of how weak I’ve been, and am. I am having all these urges to run away from everyone, to email my psych and apologise for everything, and cancel my next appt and never see her again because that is what I think she wants. This is recurring, unable to shake the belief of everyone wanting me to leave them and disappear. I don’t really know what I’m posting for, but I guess I'd just love some advice re how to deal with these feelings from this appointment. I've raised these thoughts with my psych when they’ve come up in the past, but again, I can’t trust that whatever she says in response is genuine and truthful, not something she is saying just to protect me.

I feel lonley

replies: 1

hey i feel like shit i feel lonley as hell what are somethings i can do?

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A Bouquet for Pearls - share your appreciation for other members

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