Asexuality

[Hamlet_24]

I was just wondering if anyone here identifies as asexual? I've been writing a book with an asexual protaganist and I've slowly come to realise that his story is my story. All my life I've thought I was gay and for all intents and purposes I am but I've slowly come to realise that the relationships I want with men aren't necessarily centred around sex. In the past I've justified my feelings about sex as being a bi product of my illness (Borderline, Depression, anxiety-fun times) and my problems with intimacy but I've realised that sex isn't a very high priority for me. I've been doing a lot of reading and I think I might be gray-asexual or demi sexual. The other night I actually got really upset because this revalation has actually caused me to reevaluate everything I thought I knew about myself; I've had to fight so hard to be gay and I don't think I can come out again, I don't think people will take me seriously and most of all I don't know how I can pursue a meaningful relationship. Nobody ever talks about asexuality or people with a low, non existent sex drive and we are just surrounded by sex and I've over compensated by talking about it a lot and having many sexual partners but I've just felt nothing, it's always been an ego trip or power thing never about the sex itself. The other night I realised that what I want is companionship and I got really sad because I realised that I have friends who I want more from without really wanting to go to bed with them, I'm ok if they want to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere but I'd want them to come home to me. It breaks my heart because I never feel like I'll ever get that.

Sorry this has been so incoherent, it's much easier to write about it from a fictional standpoint.

[Paul]

Hey Marcus,

Diminishing sex in a relationship is the rule, not the exception. Love and nurturing and life with that person takes over.

Paul

[Alex_86]

I'm asexual. I hate it and would change it in an instant if I could.

I'll be honest and say while I definitely support sexuality being a spectrum the concept of grey asexuals and demisexuals seems a bit weird to me. It seems like having sexual feelings for people only after establishing an emotional bond is just to be expected from my perspective, and that being only mildly sexual is still being sexual; I'm not sure what the point of the term grey asexual is.

I don't mean to be dismissive or cruel. It's just there feels like a world of difference between "only sometimes" and *never*. And I'm stuck with never.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Alex,

I'm interested in how you would describe your identity if you feel ok telling us. I think it is hard to describe the lack of something but I wonder if there are other things that are more in focus for you. Also are you interested in a relationship? and what would be on the wish list if you were?

Rob.

[Alex_86]

I feel rather agender. I'm in a relationship, a long term one, and they're very important to me; I just have no sexual feeling for them or anyone else.

[Gruffudd]

That's interesting, nice to hear you are in a relationship with someone important, I've been thinking about this for me. Do you think there is a connection between gender and sexuality for you?

[Alex_86]

I've been wondering that a bit of late. I'm honestly not sure. I think in many ways I don't view gender as important; it doesn't effect how I view others after all. I mean body-part-wise personally I think I'd certainly like to be androgynous, but that's mainly for comfort? I kinda wonder if being detached from sexual attraction influences it, it probably does.

[Paul]

Hey Alex.

From what I've observed and experienced, body parts are important, yes. Gender is important, for sure, it helps us within society. There's a bit BUT...

The most important thing regardless of gender physicality is how we feel about ourselves. This is the fundamental basis of acceptance in any for about any aspect of ourselves.

Please correct me if I'm wrong Rob.

A first person example. How we view ourselves is a reflection of how others view us:

When I came out I made sure I was comfortable with being gay, it was tough but the point of my rhetoric is that I made a pact with myself. I'll tell those important to me and sort out any problems, anyone else I tell who has a problem doesn't matter, because they aren't important to me. This is directly related to how I feel about myself.

Forgive me if I am telling you things you already know, but I think it's worth careful consideration for anyone in difficult identity situations.

Another example is that I have a bit of a belly - due to ageing and diet. I know I can do something about it but it still affects me when I think "who's going to want a middle aged fat bellied bloke with greying hair?" I have choices;

Get rid of it or accept it. Sometimes it takes outside influence to help us accept the things we have difficulty accepting.

Some important pop-psychology: Be proud of who you are because there is ALWAYS someone out there who is proud of who you are as well and they love you for it. In cases like that accept the love and love yourself for who you are.

There are always things we would like to change - that's human nature and I really do get it. My whole point is that the more we accept who we are the less painful and less important "what" we are becomes.

Paul