Sexuality

[Alex_86]

Hi, I'm sorry if this is a taboo topic; I promise it's all clean and PC.

I'm suffering from bad anxiety, have been for a long while, and one of the looming dreads is related to sexuality. Ever since I was a teen I've been waiting for sex to interest me, to have a crush on someone, to get what all the fuss is about. I never bothered to date in highschool and towards the end started to think that maybe something was wrong. In time I started to frantically hope that perhaps I was homosexual, perhaps I hadn't noticed any attraction because I'd been looking at the wrong people, you know?

But nothing. Back in the mid 2000s I found out about asexuality and I still don't know what to think. If it's real it fits what I am; and I hate that.

I feel like a broken person to not, and to never have, felt this huge drive that media tells us is integral to the human experience. I want to fix it.

I've had my hormones checked (all in working order), I grew up in a happy home that didn't demonise nor lionise sex so it's not like I grew up with strange notions. I don't have anything to pin this problem on, I don't know what to do, and it's crushing.

[Zeal]

Hi Alex,

Thanks for your post - this is not a taboo topic, and you have also written respectfully 🙂

Are you or have you been seeing your doctor (GP) regularly about your anxiety? Seeing your GP or another professional is important for your mental wellbeing. It's great that your hormones are at healthy levels. Not being very sexual (or being asexual) is not as common as being sexual, but natural levels of sexual need and desire does vary between individuals. It's possible that your anxiety is a barrier to having sexual thoughts and feelings.

This site could be useful: http://www.asexuality.org/home/?q=general.html

You might not be asexual, but this site may be of interest regardless. Discussing your sexuality concerns with your doctor or a psychologist will hopefully answer your questions and allay some worries. \

Best wishes,

SM

[Alex_86]

Hi SM,

Thanks for that. I am seeing a doctor about my anxiety regularly and now have a counsellor. I spoke to the GP about the sexuality thing when I asked for the hormone tests, but nothing came of it. I'm currently trying to build up the courage to mention it to the counsellor; I just find it very hard to vocalise. I get embarrassed about it, I feel like a freak.

I guess it also comes down to the thought that nothing can/will be done. I mean I'm almost 30; I can't have had anxiety bad enough to block out that facet of life for that long, surely? I don't want to be a special asexual snowflake but it seems the most logical answer.

And I'm kind of sick of people going on and on about how one should be proud of their sexuality, no matter what it is; I hate mine. I don't think I'm wrong to hate it. I want to change it but I recognise that that's not really a thing that can be done. At least I don't think so.

[Zeal]

Hi Alex,

It's great you are seeing your doctor regularly, and now have a counsellor too! I'm also glad you voiced the sexuality concerns to your doc when the tests were done. Talking to your counsellor about this in one of your sessions is a good idea, and it sounds as though you intend to discuss your sexuality at some stage. Once it's out in the open, hopefully you'll feel relieved.

I don't know whether anxiety really could block out feelings of sexuality for so long. Your counsellor will hopefully be able to shed light on this. It's a shame that you dislike your sexuality, but as you said, that's how you feel.

I hope your counsellor keeps helping you 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Chris_B]

Hi Alex_86, welcome to the forums. Not a taboo topic at all, we have a whole forum category for discussing sexuality and gender identity issues. There's also a thread below on asexuality you might want to check out:

Asexuality

[Alex_86]

Hi Chris, thanks for that; I didn't know this bit of the forum existed.

[Paul]

Hey Alex,

I can feel the frustration and confusion that comes across in your posts about not being sexually attracted and not liking it. I understand it certainly would have you hating it, wondering what's wrong and feeling broken. Our society is so fixated on sex that sometimes it's a competition, often it's a powerful marketing tool. All of these things would certainly be adding to the difficulty.

You mentioned very briefly that other asexual people form a relationship then become sexual.

From what I gather from your post you're not sexual at all, with or without someone - please correct me if I am wrong.

I have a friend who is possibly very knowledgeable on asexuality and I am going to ask him for some further information. Is that OK with you if I ask him? If so, is there anything specific you would like me to ask?

Paul

[Alex_86]

Hi Paul,

All correct. I mean it's not like I haven't tried to be, and sex doesn't freak me out at all; it's just really meh as an idea. I never feel like it, I never think of people in that way at all. And it's just such a big part of life to be missing out on; it makes me feel like a stupid child to be so outside something like that. I want a way to fix it but I don't think there is one.

[Paul]

Hey Alex,

There might be.

I wonder if you wouldn't mind answering a few questions for me...

What do you expect sex to be?

Where does that expectation come from?

Have you always had anxiety?

What state/area are you in? My friend who I can speak with is actually a PhD sex therapist so he's pretty knowledgable about most things sexuality. he also has a network of peers who, if you like, can see you for a chat and see if there's some ways through what's happening.

What are your thoughts?

Paul

[Alex_86]

Hi Paul,

Sure, happy to answer questions, especially if it might help.

I guess I expect sex to be something a person wants to have? Perhaps fun, or enjoyable. I've never particularly wanted it, I wanted to try it out of curiosity as everyone had said it was something people wanted; but that was more like wanting to try some strange food out of curiosity rather than hunger. And yeah; it was just kinda nothing much. It didn't hurt or gross me out much, but it didn't impress me; and not for lack of trying new things.

Society seems to build up the expectation that sex has something good about it; why else would people want to do it?

That's a hard question; probably? It gets better and worse but I suppose I've likely always had it, but if so I don't know what life would be like without it in order to tell. Sorry to ramble, I guess I just don't know if I've ever not had anxiety or if what I think of as not having anxiety is just my anxiety being low.

NSW, Armidale. I find it pretty hard to vocalise these things, I feel like a broken person or a prude talking about it; and I'm really not (I mean a prude wouldn't want to craze sex, right?) but if they could help I'd like to try.

I want to find a way to fix this. I've been told a lot that some people just don't experience this stuff and I should accept it; but if there's hope I want to try.