Ways we destroy relationships.

Gruffudd · ‎24-07-2016

I came across this article (with a little help) that went through different ways that gay men destroy their relationships. Reflecting on it I think what is described in it applies across the LGBTI spectrum.

There isn't the same structure given to us for relationships as the rest of society (although I feel like with the whole marriage thing we are buying into that straight model more then in the past). So we have made our own models, there is a lot that works and there are some patterns that don't.

Here is the list from that article:

Having unrealistic expectations
Clingy codependency
Passive aggressive game playing
Selfish behaviors
Letting disagreements turn into major blowouts
Ongoing use of drugs and alcohol
Not regularly making time for one another
Thinking something “better” will come along
Being too quick to open up the relationship
Not having shared goals

So I have been with all those 10, and combinations of them.

I probably do one or two myself (like 7 and 10).

Rob.

marcus_c · ‎26-07-2016

Wow what a triggering list lol... So if I go back to my last relationship.

1. Having unrealistic expectations - I don't think I had these. We'd been together for 8 months and I expected things to be taking a serious tone by then. He expected things could just be casual and he could have me on tap when convenient. So I think he had the unrealistic expectations there.

2. Clingy codependency - He made me feel codependent when in reality I was just wanting reciprocity for my affections.

3. Passive aggressive game playing - See above. Withholding affection was a regular thing.

4. Selfish behaviours - We always had to eat where he wanted to eat, work on his timetable, and to be fair I let him get away with this without pushing back enough, which I now regret.

5. Letting disagreements turn into major blowouts - I think the problem we had was that we didn't disagree enough, so the major blowout came at the end. I was scared to confront anything for fear of losing the relationship. I feel like an idiot now for not saying something sooner.

6. Ongoing use of drugs and alcohol - No thank god, but I see a lot of gay men who have problems with drink, although i don't think they'd see it as such.

7. Not regularly making time for one another - Time together was drip feed, and I felt like I was constantly on edge.

8. Thinking something better will come along - He was in love with ex still, so tick.

9. Being too quick to open up the relationship - This is not for me. He was really cagey in this area, and I suspect i was being cheated on.

10. Not having shared goals - This was pretty apparent, but again I was too scared to confront. These conversations started happening at the end, and it became far too obvious for me to ignore any longer.

Love really is a virus. Just making that list, I can't believe how blind I was.

Paul · ‎30-07-2016

marcus,

"I can't believe how blind I was"...

The question I ask my friends when they tell me about a new lover is "Is he/she worthy?". So by this I mean are they worthy of your love and patience. Are they worthy or your affection and time. Are they a worthy teacher, good or bad.

The first two are relatively easy to understand, the third, well that can be difficult, because the lesson can be difficult, short and loveless. Lessons that are EXTREMELY valuable when we meet someone again because our compromises are more considered.

The list that Rob provided is an amazing self check, great to check what happened with an ex relationship but not good to use to beat ourselves up with because that's not learning, that's regret.

We're born with our eyes shut.

We go into our first relationship not knowing what the hell to do.

No room for regret. There's always a reason we do what we do and it's invariably to protect ourselves.

Paul xx

Gruffudd · ‎30-07-2016

I would say a bit of both those things, I cant believe I fell for some of that, but also I don't regret it.

One of the things I learned from all those psychologists is that there are always two sides to a story. Each of those 10 is a relationship, I can kind of see where sometimes I play into it or along with it, and at other times I don't and things are much healthier.

The shortest relationship ever was over before I realised I was in it. I met a boy and exchanged numbers, then thought not much more of it. I drove home which takes about 4 hours. When I got there I looked at the phone which had 27 messages on it. All of them from the boy. They started off with how nice it was to meet me, then declared undying love, then we were going to travel and move in together, then we hit our first rough patch, I hadn't replied to his texts, there was a bit of abuse because how could I be so uncaring?, then I was forgiven and the making up was great - true love, destined to be together, then well I had ignored him again, it was all my fault, he had trusted me and I had let him down, then he dumped me and told me he was deleting my number from his phone. It was kind of that list really.

Paul · ‎31-07-2016

That boy wasn't in love. I think he had a mental illness expecting replies while you are driving and within 4 hours of meeting.

Gruffudd · ‎01-08-2016

What's interesting though is that the same pattern has happened in longer term relationships. Expecting a reply or knowing the movements seems to be a thing. Seems to me that trust is important.

marcus_c · ‎01-08-2016

This is a really great checklist Paul and I think I'll be using it in the future. And yes Gruffudd, I know it's not all his fault too, there's always two sides to the story. Self awareness is hard sometimes.

As for your four hour relationship haha I have talked to men like that online. Guys who send you rude messages because you don't instantly reply. That one does sound like a special case, like Paul said. I wonder if he was just so deprived of love and intimacy that he felt such a connection in a short space of time that he was looking to be rescued.