Asexuality

[Hamlet_24]

I was just wondering if anyone here identifies as asexual? I've been writing a book with an asexual protaganist and I've slowly come to realise that his story is my story. All my life I've thought I was gay and for all intents and purposes I am but I've slowly come to realise that the relationships I want with men aren't necessarily centred around sex. In the past I've justified my feelings about sex as being a bi product of my illness (Borderline, Depression, anxiety-fun times) and my problems with intimacy but I've realised that sex isn't a very high priority for me. I've been doing a lot of reading and I think I might be gray-asexual or demi sexual. The other night I actually got really upset because this revalation has actually caused me to reevaluate everything I thought I knew about myself; I've had to fight so hard to be gay and I don't think I can come out again, I don't think people will take me seriously and most of all I don't know how I can pursue a meaningful relationship. Nobody ever talks about asexuality or people with a low, non existent sex drive and we are just surrounded by sex and I've over compensated by talking about it a lot and having many sexual partners but I've just felt nothing, it's always been an ego trip or power thing never about the sex itself. The other night I realised that what I want is companionship and I got really sad because I realised that I have friends who I want more from without really wanting to go to bed with them, I'm ok if they want to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere but I'd want them to come home to me. It breaks my heart because I never feel like I'll ever get that.

Sorry this has been so incoherent, it's much easier to write about it from a fictional standpoint.

[Embracing_Tiger]

Hi Hamlet 24,

I don't identify as asexual, but from what you've written, I can imagine how difficult it would be to form intimate relationships without a sexual aspect. To a much smaller degree, I feel that difficulty when I date because I'm not having heaps of casual sex, and sometimes I feel judged for not actively expressing my sexual desire. I also find the LGB communities tends to focus so much on physical sex, rather than the emotional aspects of a relationship. This focus on the physical could be a disservice to the LGBTIQA+ community. 

After you re-evaluated yourself, as the mentioned in your post, how did you feel? Whilst labels can be useful, are the ones you realised feel right for you?

I'm wondering if there is an supportive online community of people that identify as asexual. I saw a youtuber's vlog about his experience of asexuality. He was an Aussie young guy. I've heard that some people use media as part of the coming out process as a way to "educate" the other person about the identity that they are coming out as.

I hope that your book is going well. It's great that you can capture this form of sexuality to explore asexuality. 

ET

[Hamlet_24]

Hi, thanks for getting back. I've always been quite wary of labels but sometimes being able to name your feelings can help you gain perspective. I've been reading up a lot and I think I'll take your advice and join a few forums.

Hope you're coping yourself

[chociloni]

Hi Hamlet24, I dont mean to be discriminative, but I was wondering about your age? I was slow at being sexualised, never was interested in boys in my teens, was mildly interested in sex in my 20s, But like you when I wasnt that much into sex I still wanted the emotional side of the relationship. But then in my 30s wahey!  I was really into it. I was a real late bloomer. I dont know if this is society's pressure or not...or if we just go through periods of being asexual, or if it's a lifestyle choice but I think it's fine either way up to you what you decide. I think also major depression and anxiety can kill your sex drive, but then again when I think of myself back in my younger years I think depression and anxiety did kill my sex drive but also mentally I did not truly want it. 

[Hamlet_24]

Hi that's a very good question and I've thought about all of those things it's why it's taking me so long to tenatively come to this conclusion, I thought it was my meds, my mental health problems; all that but it's just not something I'm especially interested in, I'm not saying I'll never have sex again, I probably will but it's just not something I consider particularly central to my identity. Does that make sense?

[Paul]

Hi Hamlet 24,

Welcome! I think it's quite OK to be asexual or even less sexual than we are expected to be from, as you mentioned, societal pressures and also pressures within ourselves to fit in or to please someone.

Interestingly, when we are in secure relationships, the sex diminishes substantially for most. It's not spoken about because the pressure is on to keep up the appearance that we're "man enough" or "keeping things right at home" or "providing our partner with everything he needs". Most of those are socially constructed fallacies. A relationship requires an emotional bond to survive, not sex. Don't get me wrong here, sex is an important part of a relationship for some, but not all.

A few interesting words are buried in what you first wrote. "My problem with intimacy", Do you think this is related to asexuality?

Paul x

[Hamlet_24]

Hi Paul,

Sorry I wasn't very clear, given the nature of my illness I generally go to extremes in my relationships so I've had a lot of problems with physical and emotional intimacy. Most of my sexual encounters haven't really even about sex, they're more about power, ego and validation (I think that's true of a lot of people!) not about desire. But in the last couple of years I've mellowed out a lot and I've let myself be close to people and I've realised that sex is never something I've ever felt particularly engaged in so my problems with intimacy are quite seperate from my asexuality (though I am on the grey spectrum).

[Reaperbird]

I'm bisexual, demisexual and gray-asexual. I'm not opposed to sexual relationships, but I much prefer a romantic-orientated relationships where sex isn't a major focus or requirement. In fact I could easily be in a sex-free relationship and still be happy.

If your looking for a community, I know that Tumblr has a lot of asexual groups. I was friends with a few asexuals people on there for a while, both male and female. So it's not uncommon, just not talked about because of the stigma involved.

There's also the AVEN group who have a lot of information and support, if it's of interest to you.

As mentioned above, it might be useful to know that age, stress and medication can affect your sex life. But also know that everyone enjoys it to different degrees. Some people love it, some people enjoy it sometimes, some people find it boring, others are completely repulsed. Everyone's different. And that's okay.

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Hamlet,

I do relate. I don't think of myself as asexual because I would prefer to be gay, then I think about relationships past and it fits quite well. I have blamed the mental health but I know that it is not always a factor. So what of coming out again, I wonder if it is necessary, especially if you are happy with a gay identity where sex isn't central, I could live with that (well, I do already). 

Rob.

[Jack184]

I'm slowly starting to realise that I'm something close to demisexual. So I can relate. It can get pretty frustrating sometimes, when everyone else can seem so sexually charged, and you want to take things much more slowly and carefully. I get the thing of wanting companionship without necessarily wanting to sleep with them. It can be pretty annoying, and I understand what you're going through. Sorry to hear that you're struggling.

Best wishes,

Jack