Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

[Elizabeth CP]

As discussed on other threads I have been struggling with anxiety,  depression & exhaustion while caring for my husband who is blind & has a chronic illness which has led to frequent episodes of illness. In desperation I rang for help last week & arranged for a carer to assist so I could go away for a couple of days on a family camp over Easter. Unfortunately I developed a stomach bug so haven't been well since coming home on Sunday so fatigue is still a major problem. My husband has gone away for 5 nights with MDA & I promised I would try to rest & recover while he is away.

Today my son rang to say they had to move out of their house on Friday & have nowhere to live so can they stay with us. We downsized a few years ago due to my husband's condition so there is little room for 2 adults & a 2yr old & 11mth old. I feel like I'm in a no win situation. If I say no they have nowhere to live so I'm a terrible parent. My son also has a history of depression & has only recently started work again after a long period of being too unwell to work & being suicidal. If I agree to have them I can't rely on them to stick to any agreements. DIL is good at promising but never follows through. I find her very stressful. She yells at her son frequently which I find upsetting. They are both very messy & I would find it hard to prepare meals due to her mess. Having them here will also make it impossible to keep the house in a suitable state to ensure my husband's safety given his blindness.  Tiredness tends to lead to my husband becoming ill putting extra pressure on me. I don't know what to do.  

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Elizabeth,

It truly sounds like you are doing the right thing. We knew this was going to be a nightmare but I admire how you are sticking to your word.

I would suggest talking with them both tonight about how things were good for the first few days but that you notice they are not helping as much now. I would also ask them together how the search is going and ask if there's anything you can do to assist them in finding somewhere. Alternatively you could just look for places and suggest them.

If it were me, I would not call the DIL's Mum. The way I think is that she has no more control over the DIL than you do. Really the only person we can control is ourselves. By sticking to your rule of only 2 weeks left, it is the only control you have in getting her to do something. At this point I would be suggesting that they might need to look into a short term motel accomodation or caravan with annex etc while they continue to look for a more suitable place. If they are being picky they need to know that you are serious that extending their stay is not an option.

You should also be kind to yourself and remind yourself that you are helping. To me, it is part of a parents responsibility to make children independent and able to deal with their own situation even if they don't like us for it.

I would also suggest that you talk to your psych about how to deal with the fallout. Your DIL is likely to blame you for all the bad things in her life for a while and my guess is that she will be exaggerating information to your son too. This is another reason I would suggest the family talk in the evening so that your feelings are transparent to your son as well as the DIL.

I hope this helps. It is an awful situation. Remember though thst this is their situation and problem. You are helping as best you can. They need to take responsibility for their own situation.

Thinking of you

Carol xx

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Carol, I have provided information on houses. They looked at one I suggested. They have looked at a few this week but will only apply for ones that meet their criteria. While I understand them wanting a decent backyard & nice house they can't afford to be picky with their poor rental history. That was the issue with her mother this morning as my DIL was shouting over the phone that she wouldn't apply for a house without enough back garden. She was given a number to contact for help given that she is unable to stay here much longer but she has made no attempt to ring it last time I asked.

I was hoping her mother could give me some suggestions & I could let her know what the situation is here so she can back me up if required. I know her mother quite well but can't speak to her with my DIL nearby without causing real problems.

[pipsy]

Hi Elizabeth. Having read your recent post with DIL refusing houses because of no or little playing area, it almost looks as though she's happy to stay put for the time being. I think Carol's suggestion of not bringing her mother into the situation is a sound thought. The situation is fairly volatile without further complicating the issue by bringing in 'reinforcements'. Perhaps having a talk with your son might help defuse the problem a bit. Does he know she has turned down these houses because of the backyard problem? Reinforcing the two week deadline also seems to be causing agro here. Maybe at this stage it might be an idea to call on your other son to support you and let them know they can't stay. If your DIL is as strong a person emotionally as you seem to think, it's going to need someone equally as strong emotionally, to 'pull rank'. It sounds as though the arrangement has sort of 'backfired'.

Best of luck sorting everything out. Lynda.

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Lynda, I think my son is too scared of a confrontation with his wife to stand up to her. My other son while very supportive of us but I don't think he could help by speaking to them. She would resent him interfering thus making it worse. Her mother is the only person who has any influence on her. Fortunately she is going to her parents for the weekend because my daughter is coming home. I am not telling my DIL that my daughter could stay with my brother. I prefer to keep things as inconvenient as possible to encourage them to move quickly. Plus I like my daughter visiting.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Elizabeth,

Is there a reason they can't stay with the DIL's parents? I would suggest to the DIL that she needs to discuss that as an option because the time is going fast.

Three weeks is a reasonable time to find somewhere but if they are looking for an "ideal" home it may take longer. They will therefore need to get an alternative short-term arrangement in place.

Having a family with young kids staying at someone's home would be challenging enough without your hubby's condition and your illness. I know I struggle having my inlaws and interstate friends staying past 3 days at my home even at full health.

My biggest concern for you is that they don't think you're serious about them not being able to stay so making sure you ask them to start thinking about alternate short-term arrangements is a conversation that I would suggest you need to start having with them.

You really are very strong Elizabeth. The strength you have shown in supporting and caring for your hubby and pushing through your own illness when things are tough is huge. The love you have for your son and grandkids is very obvious in how you are doing your best to help them. Keep strong now with what your needs are.

Above all else your health and hubby's comes first. Your kids will manage, they may need to learn to compromise a little to do so but they will be ok.

Thinking of you.

Big hugs xx

[geoff]

dear Elizabeth, I can only agree with all the replies send back to you, and sometimes we just have to be sensible and realise that by them moving in with you and your husband is not going to work, as already you are beginning to suffer.
We have to be 'cruel to be kind' is a saying that means so much, because it's just not practical and the pressure it will create is certainly not what you need. Geoff. x

[Elizabeth CP]

Unfortunately the DIL's parents are in a worse situation than us. Her father had a stroke a few years ago, younger sister has Down's syndrome & younger brother had Autism & a history of acting out violently when over stimulated or upset so having the 2 year old around full time would be quite dangerous. I know the mother very well & know she would do anything she could to help. These are not excuses or exaggerations from the DIL.

I hope I can get some ideas from my psych re strategies to manage this situation. Fortunately he has seen he in the past from a distance. He recognised my son & her loud voice & behaviour matched my descriptions of her so he knows what she is like. I was prepared to help in a crisis like they were in but I am not prepared to wait for them to find their ideal house.

[Elizabeth CP]

I saw my pych today. He agreed that I did the right thing allowing my son's family to stay short term in the circumstances but he also agreed that it had to be difficult to encourage them to leave as quick as I want them. He helped me come up with some strategies to apply pressure to get them to leave. I found the session today encouraging as he really understood what was happening. I mentioned that I was hiding my room a lot. He encouraged me to continue to do this (as long as I have a book to read) to avoid spending time with her & avoid her feeling comfortable living with us.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Elizabeth,

I am glad your psych has your back. Please keep posting here with how you are feeling and coping with this. I have great empathy for your situation. I have times where I have had inlaws stay with me when I have been unwell and it would have been good to have somewhere safe to vent my frustrations.

Here for you,

Carol xx

[Guest_5218]

It must be so hard for you Elizabeth, and I feel for you.

But a little bit of respite for you this weekend as your son and DIL move out, and your visiting daughter back in.

I hope you enjoy the time together.

How is hubby coping with all the disruption? And how has his health been lately?

Sherie xx