Son & his family want to stay with us until he finds another house. Worried about how to deal with this given our situation.

Elizabeth CP · ‎30-03-2016

As discussed on other threads I have been struggling with anxiety, depression & exhaustion while caring for my husband who is blind & has a chronic illness which has led to frequent episodes of illness. In desperation I rang for help last week & arranged for a carer to assist so I could go away for a couple of days on a family camp over Easter. Unfortunately I developed a stomach bug so haven't been well since coming home on Sunday so fatigue is still a major problem. My husband has gone away for 5 nights with MDA & I promised I would try to rest & recover while he is away.

Today my son rang to say they had to move out of their house on Friday & have nowhere to live so can they stay with us. We downsized a few years ago due to my husband's condition so there is little room for 2 adults & a 2yr old & 11mth old. I feel like I'm in a no win situation. If I say no they have nowhere to live so I'm a terrible parent. My son also has a history of depression & has only recently started work again after a long period of being too unwell to work & being suicidal. If I agree to have them I can't rely on them to stick to any agreements. DIL is good at promising but never follows through. I find her very stressful. She yells at her son frequently which I find upsetting. They are both very messy & I would find it hard to prepare meals due to her mess. Having them here will also make it impossible to keep the house in a suitable state to ensure my husband's safety given his blindness. Tiredness tends to lead to my husband becoming ill putting extra pressure on me. I don't know what to do.

Elizabeth CP · ‎03-04-2016

They are planning to arrive tonight. Just sat down with my husband to write a list of rules. Still unsure re meals as she is so fussy & I don't want to be in the kitchen with her.

Went to a family function today. Everyone agreed that I really had no choice but were sympathetic to my situation. My SIL offered for me to visit often with my husband whenever I needed time out. It is good to know they cared even though they can't fix the situation.

pipsy · ‎03-04-2016

Hi Elizabeth. My name is Lynda. I read in an earlier post a suggestion your DIL worry about their meals, you worry about yours. I'm pleased your SIL you and hubby 'time out' if needed. I'm hoping your son and DIL won't stay long enough for you to need time out. Another earlier suggestion to make sure they know time to stay is limited to whatever feels right for you. I wouldn't tell them to 'stay for as long as necessary'. If you tell them that, they won't be in too much hurry to relocate, whereas if they understand right from the start, it's temporary. I would give it about a week, then ask if they have found somewhere else. Keep reiterating temporary. Even though your SIL has offered you 'time out', this only prolongs the whole process. I also wouldn't tell them SIL has offered you a place to stay.

Best of luck.

Elizabeth CP · ‎04-04-2016

I am definitely not letting them know re offer of time out with SIL. If I go to my SIL I can honestly say they invited us to visit no more information is required. I certainly will not do anything to give them the impression this is anything but temporary. We made a deliberate choice not to rearrange things in the rooms so there is no wardrobe space for example. I don't want it to feel comfortable. For the same reason visits to SIL etc will be short & not overnight as I don't want them thinking they can do as they please while I'm away. Having the rest of the family providing emotional support & knowing they believe that my feelings are reasonable is helpful as it stops me feeling guilty about not wanting my DIL around. We will discuss our rules tonight when my son is home from work including emphasising that they can only stay a couple of weeks. .

pipsy · ‎04-04-2016

Hi Elizabeth. If my post earlier upset you in any way re: son and DIL's length of stay, please accept my apologies. The last thing I wanted to do was add to your stress over this situation. I'm hoping that everything will work out for the best for all concerned. If it does get too much, as you know, we're here. If the children's noisy playing gets on your nerves, I do feel you have the right to let your son know the noise is upsetting you. Kids forget everything when they're playing and what upsets others doesn't always worry their own parents. I was in church yesterday and there was a family, consisting of husband, wife and about 3 small children. The eldest of these was that noisy, I couldn't hear the minister. I noticed other people were distracted too, but nothing was said.

Elizabeth CP · ‎04-04-2016

Sorry I just reread my post & realized that you it may have looked like I was upset with your comments whereas I was agreeing wholeheartedly re length of stay. I am more concerned with the DIL constantly trying to stop him being a normal 2 year old. Her voice is far louder than any noise he makes.

pipsy · ‎04-04-2016

Hi Elizabeth. I hope I'm not going to upset your further, just read your post re: DIL's attempts to stop child from being a 'child'. I had to laugh when you said DIL's voice is far louder than child's. Perhaps to stop that situation, you could try telling DIL that her child's playing doesn't affect you. Unfortunately, in the situation you're in, sometimes you have to be several jumps ahead of each potential hurdle. Not easy, I grant you. The fact that you're aware of children needing to 'let of steam', means DIL doesn't have to constantly chastise them everytime she thinks they're annoying you. Let her know this, so if the problem arises and you can see her getting irritated, just say to her, they're not bothering me. If they do start irritating you, it might pay for you to tell them to 'keep it down to a dull roar', please. Again, remind DIL you're quite capable of asking them to quieten down.

Elizabeth CP · ‎04-04-2016

It seems as though she is trying to prove that she is a good mum & expects her kids to behave accordingly. Unfortunately she can't see that her methods are counterproductive. To me she seems to be reinforcing the idea in her son's mind that he is never good enough.

pipsy · ‎04-04-2016

Hi Elizabeth. It is always sad when mother's do this to their children. I have to wonder after you saying this, was she happy when she had her son? I once knew a woman years ago who had a son when she was quite young. Because she wasn't ready to 'be ' a mum, she decide to have the child adopted. Unfortunately, due to circumstances (unknown to me, now and at the time) the child was unable to be adopted. The mother was given the choice of either resigning adoption papers or claiming the child. Unfortunately, for the child, she chose to accept the child. Because she still wasn't ready, the child suffered. Then the mother had another child, this time a daughter. Daughter was wanted, and spoiled. Son was not. If you feel you can see this sort of pattern emerging in your DIL's treatment of her son, please be aware. I'm not saying for a moment that your DIL ill treats her son, but after what happened to this other boy, I always feel a bit uncomfortable when I see the way some mothers behave with their sons. If it's just a case of boys being boys, hopefully your DIL's treatment of her son will get better as he grows.

Elizabeth CP · ‎04-04-2016

Thanks Pipsy, It is not that bad. She wanted her son but she is immature & has poor self esteem which she hides by trying to pretend she knows everything & is very capable. Unfortunately this means she will not listen to advice from anyone. She has little patience. She enjoys babies because she has more control with them which has a negative impact on her son. I used to be a teacher so I have seen too many children who have never felt loved or accepted by their parents even if they are not actually abused. I worry that my grandson may end up feeling like that.

Elizabeth CP · ‎07-04-2016

The honeymoon period is over. They/She was on her best behaviour for the first couple of days cooking tea, washing dishes etc. She is back to her normal self yelling at the kids, doing little. Her mum rang her today to check how she was going with the search for houses. Presumably her mum started pressuring her to be less picky & more proactive in handing in applications resulting in her yelling at her mum over the phone. I also reminded her she only has 2 more weeks here which didn't go down well. I feel guilty because I would normally help any of my children who needed it & I like spending time with my other grandchildren but with this DIL promises mean nothing & the more you do the more she expects which just enables her to continue the way she is rather than learning by her mistakes.

i am currently spending a lot of time in my bedroom to avoid her. Unfortunately my appointment with my psych was cancelled by him. He will see me tomorrow. hopefully he can help me work out better strategies to cope. Maybe I should ring her mum & ask for suggestions but this needs to happen when my DIL is out otherwise my DIL will be very angry with both of us.