Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Azzdog,

I don't think you are a "pathetic excuse for a man" From all of you posts I see a man who is not content with his life as it is, yet still has the strength of character to work at making changes, to try exploring new things and who has made progress in so many ways.

Try and be gentle & kind to yourself.

Paws

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron, *waves to Paw Prints*

At my last session with my psychologist she drew a picture of a mountain with dip and valleys before climbing higher and more dips etc. The point of the drawing for me is to look how far we have come despite the fact we might be going down a dip before turning upwards again.

Look at where you started to where you are now. I am sad to hear the relationship did not go the way you wanted, yet I can also see a change in the language you are using here. And I do believe you when you say you tried your best. There has been a great change in you from when I first met you here, and a positive change. If nothing else you have proven to yourself that you can be in a relationship. Unfortunately breakups are normal and there is pain afterwards and you might reflect on the negatives. (I do about life in general.) Talk to your friends about how you feel? Talk about it with your psychologist? I will always be here with you.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim and Paw Prints, thanks for replying.

Again, the last few days have been up and down. I thought we had actually reconciled but it turned out to be a lie and that she essentially lied to me and led me on trying to get the relationship back on the tracks. She was talking about things we could potentially do in the future and she was really happy to see me on Friday and that she said she had a good time. Then I get a text message from her saying she just wants to be friends and she doesn't want to lead me on.

I handled the situation pretty well but I am angry and hurt that she lied to me and couldn't phone me to tell me about it.

I think there has been change. I don't get as angry as I used too but there is still room for improvement.

Paw Prints - I was kind and gentle to myself and taught myself how to play Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel. Also I wrote a song that is a homage to early 50s/60s rock n roll. Music like that always makes me feel better.

[Azzdog]

She cheated on me

[Azzdog]

I'm finding this hard to type as it is really heartbreaking and gut wrenching to read as well as ruminate over it.

A months ago, she got approached by this guy. This was well into our relationship but she decided to get his number. Apparently she was interested in him and told me about it a week later. I got really annoyed about it as she seemed like she couldn't make her mind up and we broke up. A few hours later she told me that she had blocked him and told him she wasn't interested. We had a lovely phone chat that night and we seemed to get even closer.

I know I told this forum we had problems with intimacy. Well she took that hard and seemed to blame herself for the problems. We were going to see a professional on this but that doesn't seem to have given her hope that things would change. I always had optimism that this would change but she never really shared that in in retrospect.

Like I said we had a really rough week and I think it turns out she was having difficulty reconciling with the fact that she had cheated on me. It turns out that she had unblocked him and kept talking to him. They even met up and even though she told him about me that didn't seem to stop him and he kissed her. She said no and tried to walk away but she did that all without conviction and he kept trying. Eventually, they did it. Now they are not talking but she has kept this from me for a while now. It was so sad when she told me. We were both crying and she was trying to say that she cares about me. However, I find it hard to believe it now. I told her I never want to see her again and I don't want her to try and contact me. I told her it was the greatest betrayal I've ever felt.

[PhaseA]

Hi azzdog

Sorry this happened to you. That sort of thing has happened to me. I'm depressed too and I don't know what men want so I empathise with some things you write

Cheers

PA

[smallwolf]

Sorry to hear the way things turned out. Did you believe her when she said she cared about you? It sounded like you were initially upset and then turned to anger when you told her you did not want to see her again. Can you forgive? (That does not mean condoning what happened)

Also you are also feeling the hurt that can be the end result of a relationship - and sometimes this the cost. When you started here you were talking about not being able to be in a relationship. It would be nice if it worked out. There is also a saying - "Growth and transformation rarely come without pain"

Tim

[Azzdog]

Thanks for commenting PhaseA and I am truly sorry that something similar has happened to you. It is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever felt.

Hi Tim,

I'm not sure, it turns out that this guy was manipulating her and comparing her with her mother (she has a really bad relationship with her mother where her mother treated her like crap and manipulated her). She was desperate to prove he was wrong and did what she did. She is remorseful but I feel like we have crossed the rubicon now and there is no going back. I have this awful image in my head that I can't get out.

I don't think I can forgive either. She should know better and the fact she lied made it even worse. I hope growth and transformation happens through this.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

Forgiveness is more about letting go of the hurt rather than ruminating the issue, whatever that might be. So when you forgive someone you don't necessarily are letting them off the hook, but letting go any anger ur hurt you might be feeling.

I don't know how I would react in your situation. At the same time I had thought about this and what might drive a person to "lie" to a partner? It is also easy to say she should have known better, and yet you also mentioned a bad relationship with her mother - so that might have been a factor also. Perhaps guilt? Shame? Of course I am only thinking out loud. Things are not so black and white when it comes to relationships.

And are there any positives to take out of what happened? Perhaps it shows that you are a good person, who can find a relationship, be in a relationship and someone can like you for who you are. Remember to think of how far you have come.

Now is also a time for healing... so write here what you feel, what you can do, goals, or whatever.

I will be here to respond,

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I agree with things being not black and white in relationships. There is a lot more nuance than certainly I realised. Historically, I’ve always had a black and white attitude to things. Well not in this case.

I met her yesterday. We had a really good chat about things and she is very remorseful and has been really apologetic over the past 48 hours. At first I found it hard to believe what she said about the context of being manipulated. However, I remember her telling me about her mother and that how she hates people who manipulate others. It made me think that this probably happened and I started to listen to what she had to say.

The thing is is that she is really heartbroken over what happened and she wants to make things right. We talked about having parameters set up to be more honest and open about things. It was a good chat and by the end of the night I was able to say that “I forgive you”. She really appreciated it.

Im really happy that we can continue but the hurt will linger for a while. It still doesn’t justify what happened and there is stuff we need to work on. I still get images in my head and I’m still slightly worried she could regress again. But I’m confident that she knows what she has to do to make things right. I want to help her too.