Intimacy insecurities

Lyssaa

Hi everyone,

Recently, I've entered into a new relationship. We've been together for nearly three weeks and so far it's going well - I enjoy the time that we spend together, and my family really likes him. I feel like I can be myself around him and it feels like he's a friend, not just a boyfriend to me.

We have made out multiple times and have attempted intercourse, however the three times we have tried it won't work - he cannot get inside of me. This is something that he has encountered once before and something that I have never experienced before. All three times, with multiple attempts, it hasn't worked.

Around two and a half months ago I had a traumatic sexual experience with a guy that I was seeing at the time. In addition to this, in my one year relationship which ended seven months ago, there was a lot of emphasis placed on sex, where I felt like it was the only way in which my partner wanted to connect with me - this was also an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm starting to think that maybe subconsciously my body is not letting intercourse happen because it wants to protect me, and I have some fears and negative emotional reactions surrounding thoughts of intercourse, even though I do want it at the same time.

My current boyfriend has witnessed me breakdown about this twice now. His reaction each time has been to hold me and comfort me while I cry, and tell me that sex is just a small part of our relationship and he wouldn't care if we never had sex ever, because he isn't dating me or with me for sex. In the meantime we have been making out without taking it any further, which he seems happy to do, but feels weird for me as my previous partner never would have made out with me if it didn't lead to intercourse.

Despite my partner's reassurances, I'm really worried that he's going to get bored of me or leave me if intercourse doesn't happen for us. I'm also feeling like I'm defective, or there's something wrong with me and I'm damaged and useless. I feel like I have a problem and he's going to leave me or resent me if this continues. If the issue of us not being able to have intercourse lies with me, I don't know how to fix it or change it.

indigo22

Hi Lyssaa,

What you are describing is quite often a typical reaction after an abusive or traumatic experience. You are absolutely right in thinking that your body is trying to protect you.

I think you have found one of the good ones this time and it sounds like he just wants you to be okay.

I have had similar problems due to a long term relationship where sex was the most important thing to him and it has left me very uncomfortable with the idea of sex even if I am interested so I do understand what you are going through. I can't even deal with a pap test, I am a lot older than you though.

I think you need to give yourself a bit more time to feel comfortable and safe with your partner. If you are not feeling relaxed and safe with him, ask your self why that might be. Your intuition is very finely tuned to pick up signals from others so it may be that he is feeling uncomfortable for some reason and you are picking up on that. The best thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open, talk about how you are both feeling when this happens and try to work out a way you can both feel relaxed about it. I feel sure that this won't be a problem forever, it's a response to what you have dealt with in the past and are afraid of experiencing again.

You are not defective, you have been treated badly and you are still in protection mode. It is not something you did to yourself, it was done to you. You don't need to be fixed, you need time to heal mentally, emotionally and physically. If your partner is as caring as he sounds, he will understand and help you through this.

I hope this helps, feel free to continue the conversation if you are comfortable.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo

Lyssaa

Hi Indigo,

Thanks for the kind words and for sharing your experience. I am trying to be nice to myself and I do think it will just be a matter of time and a matter of healing.

I do feel safe and relaxed around my partner especially when we are physically intimate in other ways, and I feel safe mentally and emotionally. It does feel like it’s more of a sub conscious thing. It does help knowing that there is no pressure from him and I can take my time and move at my own pace.

Because of what i’m used to experiencing it does also feel weird being in a healthy relationship, almost boring. But that’s because we don’t have any conflict and we maintain our own individual lives and I am relaxed when I am around him. I do wish sometimes though that he didn’t have to deal with me and all of my past traumas.

indigo22

Hey Lyssaa,

Take it from someone who has been around a lot longer, when you find someone who treats you with kindness and you feel comfortable and safe with, stick with him. It is a rare thing in my experience.

We seem intent on being attracted to the bad boys when we are young, but as you have learned first hand, they are not the ones we should focus on. If he didn't want to deal with you or your past traumas, he wouldn't still be with you. Try to remind yourself of that when you are hearing that inner voice of doubt.

I really hope that things improve for you in the near future, I will be around if you want to talk again.

Thinking of you,

indigo

Eagle Ray

Hi Lyssaa and wave to indigo,

I just wanted to say I relate to what both you and indigo describe. Like indigo I can't even tolerate pap smear tests and had to be put under anaesthetic for one. Thank goodness for the self-tests you can do now. I think where there has been any kind of past sexual trauma, or any trauma for that matter, we can go into self-protection mode involuntarily. It is so important not to be hard on yourself for this or feel bad or that you are letting anyone down.

At the age of 32 (I'm almost 50 now) I met someone really nice but I ran away from the situation because I felt like damaged goods. I really regret that now. The thing is he was a very kind person and your current partner sounds like such a person. So I agree with indigo that if you feel safe and comfortable with him, this is a huge plus.

There can be ways of working through trauma patterns that are stuck in the body. I have been working on past trauma issues with a clinical psychologist trained in somatic approaches including one called Somatic Experiencing which has been the most beneficial for me. I have to admit I haven't worked directly on sexual issues with her, more on things like instances of traumatic abusive attacks I've experienced in the sense of my body completing escape or defence responses it didn't get to do at the time. But I wonder if reading around somatic approaches and looking into ways of shifting and healing bodily responses would help? Probably most significantly though it will be through trust and safety with your partner that you will heal. I have learned that we heal interpersonally in relationship with others. So I would say don't give up on what you have and realise that the healing may lie in the journey with your partner.

I think what you say about healthy relationships feeling weird makes a lot of sense. I think for anyone who has been in unhealthy ones it can be almost disconcerting when you encounter something different. I grew up in an unhealthy environment and I'm now diagnosed with complex trauma. For many years of my life I have trusted people I shouldn't have because I didn't heed the red flags, and then I've failed to trust the people who were actually trustworthy because it felt weird and almost threatening because it wasn't what I was used to. It can take a while to recalibrate this and go with the right people.

Anyway, take care and know that you are not faulty, wrong or a burden. Take in the supportive kindness of your partner and between the two of you over time it will be something you can work out and heal.

Best wises,

Eagle Ray

P12

Hi Lyssaa,

My experience is that forming a connection with another person is the most difficult aspect of life. Therefore I would like to encourage you to be proud and patient about your progress. When I read your post I feel a bit sad because I have been trying to make a friend for more than ten years and I think I have been much less successful than what you describe. I wish I had a friend.

I am not sure if this is useful to you but I thought it could help provide a different perspective. I have no experience of the specific situation you describe. Best wishes.

From P12.