Hi KMR,
Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.
I am sorry to hear how your life has been so affected by your partner. You have given him so many chances but from what you have said, he would never have ceased betraying you.
Narcissists can have a very negative impact on those around them, I have a sister who is a narcissist so I understand the impact. The sad fact is, you were never going to be able to help him because the narcissist must want to be helped and recognise that they need help. Generally speaking, their nature will prevent them from admitting there is anything wrong with them and whatever is going on is someone else's fault.
It may not seem like it now, but you have done the best thing for yourself and your family by separating yourself from a toxic situation that would most likely never improve. I am sure this is not the way you thought life would turn out for you, and I understand that also after leaving my husband (albeit for slightly different reasons) many years ago. I still loved him too, and felt lost at the time for quite a while.
I know you feel broken, and you have no idea how to put the pieces of you back together again. It is a normal reaction to feel this way, but you are not actually broken, there are just a few parts of you missing that you need to find again. The thing you most need to do is heal from all you have gone through, mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually. Being with a narcissist takes it's toll on your self-esteem and self-worth, you need to be able to take the love and support you have given to your partner and turn that back toward yourself. How do you do that? By starting to think about your needs first and foremost right now. That may be going to your GP and arranging to get some help with a counsellor, talking to a friend or family member who can give you support while you are finding your feet, talking to the helplines on the days that feel particularly bad, doing small things for yourself like relaxing in a bath, taking walks in nature (nature is very healing), spending time with your children, the list is endless and only you will know what would be most healing for you.
We will be here to support you also, but you need to concentrate your efforts on what you most need right now and take the necessary steps. Consider this as your first step toward healing.
I think this helpline would be a good one for you, please make use of it when needed.
1800 Respect - available 24/7 - 1800 737 732
Please feel free to continue this conversation if you are comfortable doing so.
Thinking of you,
indigo
