Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

The issue that I have still remains. I still feel the pressure when we get intimate and it exacerbated a lot of problems and insecurities that we have.

My biggest concern is that I still feel like she has more options than I do. If (touch wood) things don’t work out then I feel it’s a bigger loss for me than it is for her. She gets approached whereas I don’t.

Another problem I have is that I feel like she doesn’t have the patience either. That really puts the pressure on.

I don’t really know what to do other than the exercises our sex therapist gave us. I’m terrified of the idea that this will be a problem that will never go away for me. I fear that I will never be a proper man and that I will die alone and no one will ever love me.

It kills me on the inside it really does.

[Azzdog]

I’m also really struggling with the idea that my friends really care about me. I find that I have to really run conversations on social media which is frustrating. I’m starting to think that this may be because I’m not as exciting to talk to as others are.

Im in a bit of a bind at the moment and really need someone to talk to.

[smallwolf]

Sorry I missed your previous post(s)!

And so now you are talking to me.

Not sure if I said this to you before and ... (trying not to use but) is it possible that you prefer deeper conversations vs shallow ones? For example, talking politics vs what you did last weekend? I like to think that people that are able to have those deeper converations are more interesting than those who do not - they will always have something to say or contribute to a conversation.

And if you are feeling down, knowing that others can care about you can hard. In me, I can say the care is jut a way of being polite, downgrading the thought and feelings. It was said to me that perhaps I don't allow myself to feel happy.

Now if you will permit me, and did think about this little before posting, one idea to cover all ideas is to go to google and search

sex idea for the nervous in bed

and if you are comfortable with that, you could perhaps read them with your partner depending on the contents. And I am sure the therapist you have been seeing would have told you it is not a race to the goal line. Perhaps think it it as unwrapping a christmas present and trying to the keep the paper intact. I will let you think about that. Treat it as a mindful exercise that engages all the senses?

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

Sorry if my responses have been a bit sporadic. There is a bit going on here.

I absolutely prefer deeper conversations as opposed to shallow ones. I feel like, with deeper conversations, there is a lot more to work with and it often feels like you are brainstorming a topic with others. Shallow topics tend to have fairly predictable responses. Shallow conversations are not without merit, of course.

I had a look a the link and it definitely runs in line with what the sex therapist has been talking about. I will show it to my girlfriend when we have time. She is really busy with study at the moment so we haven't seen a lot of each other for a while now.

With your analogy about it not being a race to the finish line, I absolutely agree with you on that. In fact, I've been pretty optimistic about us getting this problem resolved (being optimistic isn't really like me but I am practically convinced that we can work through this). However, she has a habit of bringing that down inadvertently by saying she is worried about the future and whether we can overcome this problem.

That doesn't help with the anxiety and it means that I actually worry a little bit when we are intimate because I am worried about disappointing her again.

I talked to my therapist about this and we agreed that, if this happens again, I need to tell her that those doubts affect my performance anxiety. I feel that more positive talk would be beneficial.

Another problem affecting my performance anxiety is the fact that she has revealed to me that there are other guys who have approached her. I have mentioned this before but I feel it is important to note I raised this with my therapist the other day. He suggested that it could be that she is a little unsure of our relationship and is trying to gauge my reaction to see what I do. It is her way of seeking reassurance but it has the opposite effect for me.

Like, what is the point of telling me that there are other guys interested in you? All it has done is sown seeds of doubt in my mind that I can't be sure of how invested she is in this relationship. I can't remember if I mentioned this on this forum but we almost broke up a month or two ago because there was a guy that showed interest and she was interested in him too. Since then from my point of view, the trust has been dented and It is something I worry about from time to time.

It feels like the outcome of this will have a bigger impact on me. She seems to have more options than me.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

Re the "other guys". I can imagine that would be hard to hear and all you can really say is that really like/love her and how committed you are etc, to the relationship.Perhaps she brings up this item because of some past relationship issues? I would hope she is not saying it as a way of testing you.

In the meantime you could send a message saying good luck in the exams, or can't wait to see you .... something little to show her that she is still in your thoughts?

When exams are over you might then talk over the things you mentions in your latest post.

On the future and overcoming this problem... you would know as well as I that the future is unknown. Perhaps more importantly the problem can be overcome if you look at how far you have come since starting on the forum - a person who thought he would never have a GF, hated everyone (?) to where you are now! Your determination had gotten you this far, and that same determination will overcome the next obstacle. How much of this you tell her or have told her?!?

Lastly, on the near break-up. You obviously find her attractive and so do others... she came back to you. That should count for something.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

Yeah it is really hard to hear that. I don't think she is testing me and I don't think she does it intentionally even if she does. She overthinks things a lot and really wants to make this work. I know she had some difficulty in her last relationship but those issues really shouldn't have much bearing here. It is really confusing but there is not much more I can do that what you said.

Thats definitely true! I certainly don't have as much anger as I had before. I don't think she knows all of that. She would have a pretty good idea on some of it but probably not to the extent that she could because I haven't stressed how bad it got there.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

you mentioned she had some difficulties in her previous her relationship should not have bearing here. Don;t we all bring the fears, concerns, and hopes into a relationship? Or perhaps her language or thoughts about what is happening is different to yours - this is just pure speculation and only conversation can get to the truth. Some topics may be hard to talk about as well - been there and done that and it is hard to allow ourselves to be vulnerable in fear of getting rejected.

In some ways, you could say this person has turned your life around? I have a black dot on paper exercise. The black dot is how I feel. Someone then suggested I write positives around the black dot of things that have worked out. Perhaps such an exercise might help here also. You could put things down about study, work, friends, your relationship, feelings, etc. Even words like LOVE, LIFE, ENJOYMENT, EMBRACE, LAUGH, LOVE, GROWTH would fit on the paper.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

Again, I am sorry I've been so sporadic with the replies, but I can assure you it won't happen again.

I have news. It is over. We just broke up and despite her telling me it isn't my fault or that my intimacy problems are not the issue, I still feel like they are.

She says that despite us feeling a really strong emotional connection and all, the issue she can't get over is that she says it doesn't feel right when we are intimate. I feel because there has been a lot going on on my end (it is the reason we saw a sex therapist to begin with) I feel like it is my fault.

I know I tried my best. I truly did. I gave it everything but it wasn't to be.

Right now I feel angry and frustrated. Pretty much because I am back at square one. Because women don't approach me or show me any kind of attention whatsoever. I feel angry because I think this is it. I don't know what makes people like myself attractive. I don't even know why she found me attractive to be honest.

I might post a bit later if I feel I need to. Right now it hasn't really sunk in which is where the real difficulty of this lies.

I guess I would like to know if I will ever get another chance at this but I really don't know. I feel like I am not allowed. It really is that simple.

[Azzdog]

I'd think I should post an update just to help relieve some steam.

It has begun to sink in more and the depressing part of it all is that it feels like this is it.

I feel pretty angry about the world and I feel really upset that women just don't seem to get me.

I don't know I feel pretty suicidal right now.

[Azzdog]

I truly hate myself right now. I am a pathetic excuse for a man