Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

I think it’s fair to say the intimacy problems have gotten worse.

We have a good open communication line where we are honest and candid, but I’m really scared we may (and I may) never overcome this.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

Hope you get to read this...

I will not give an answer here, but perhaps you might want to reflect on how far you have come since starting on the forum?

It might not be obvious until we are reminded of it - at least that is how it works for me. New situations bring new challenges. Having made positive changes, a new situation is scary where you think you could take a step or 3 back. Look at some of the statements you made between then, and look where you are now.

I know (own experience) it can be hard to see how far we have come from our lows. Treat this as a new obstacle to overcome, move around or smash through.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I think I've definitely come a long way. I feel angry right now (with myself) but I am not going to rant on here like I would usually do.

We have decided to go on a break. We thought it would be best but Im not sure how I'll cope in the coming days though.

I envy men who don't have problems in the bedroom. Maybe sex and romance isn't for me? I'm really depressed right now.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

In the coming days if you want to chat let me know.

Sex and romance are two different things - you can have one or the other or both. You have been through a lot in the last short while so please go a little easy on yourself. And remember that you are also getting help fir yourself.

Have you talked to any of your friends about what has happened?

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I guess some people might say you can make love which is a part of romance. But I take your point. Suffice to say it doesn’t seem like it will work from here on as I don’t think she has the patience.

Ive spent all morning berating myself, expressing self-hatred, and just feeling like the most pathetic man (boy) in the universe. I feel like this is it. Women don’t care for me at all and she was the only one who did. But now it seems like it’s all over.

I may try to talk to someone about this but I don’t know how comfortable I feel about it. Right now, I feel pathetic and deplorable.

[Azzdog]

I’m also starting to have very pessimistic ideas on romance and sex. I’m starting to think they are not for everyone and some people are destined to live celibate, aromantic lives just because of their personality, looks, and their ability to perform when it matters most. Like I just have no idea what I’ve done to deserve this brain which just doesn’t stop feeling insecure or pathetic

[Azzdog]

I should also point out that I’ve sent an email to my psychologist to see if he is available soon.

Ive also emailed a sex therapist that we had started to see.

Im being proactive at the very least.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

I noticed you don't feel comfortable talking about it, but you also talk with a psychologist and sex therapist - maybe not the same as a friend, but whose feedback is real. And as you said you are being proactive.

Perhaps the one part that I wanted to mention was by way of analogy - if I work from home and do not socialise then I lose those skills. And it will take time (for me) to reintegrate with society - and awkwardly at first. For you then "learning" romance or whatever will take time?

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,
Apologies for the late reply, I’ve been on placement so I haven’t had the time to get on here and reply.

We are going back to see the sex therapist on Wednesday. I’m pretty nervous about it but we will see how it goes. I’m worried because I’m not sure how much patience she has, she has implied it’s not infinite which inadvertently puts more pressure on me to perform.

Yeah I agree with you on practicing those skills, I just hope we get there

[Azzdog]

So it’s been over a year since I first started posting on these forums. I thought it would be good to reflect on how far I’ve come since then.

I think it’s fair to say that the biggest lesson I’ve learnt being on here (and in therapy in general) is that being really angry and demanding only sets you back. I’ve learnt it the hard way but I’ve managed to notice and control it these day’s where it isn’t a problem anymore.

Ive also grown as a person when it comes to teaching. I’ve been on two placements now where I feel that I’ve come a long way in understanding that I do belong. I still feel that is a journey that has yet to finish (it probably never will).

My friendship circle has grown a lot more and that journey to being able to appreciate myself more continues to improve.

The only issues that still remain are body image and physical intimacy. I’m really worried that these issues (particularly the second one) will never be resolved. I struggle a lot with the idea that I’m not allowed to have sex and I’m not allowed to be physically intimate with anyone. It’s just this thought that I’ve had for years as women would just ignore me and pay me absolutely no mind. It’s the main thing that provides me with a lot of anxiety these days.