Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[CMF]

Hi rx,

Happy Easter from me to you. I hope you get to do something nice today.

It's very normal to not know how you're feeling about it as tine goes on. It starts to sink in & become reality.

[randomxx]

Morng cm and thanks for that , happy Easter from me to you to, hope you have a nice day and wkend.

Beautiful day yesterday, sat. Went over to the Grampians kayaking, so nice. Bit of a drive for a day trip though from mine so nice and tired now and very content to spend the rest chilling at home now. We might have lunch today if d comes and that'll be about it for me now ha ha.

Yeah l suppose so , l'm so on of in and out about it all but l also feel thoughts and feelings gradually falling into shape though to.

Hopefully a conclusion and some settle is on the horizon .

Have nice wkend hey.

big hug.

rx

[randomxx]

Once again thinking about all the things l shouldn't be and just can not believe it.

life is so much about decisions and choices isn't it.  lt seems madness that here l am now yet l could've remarried and been living my future with who was mostly a wonderful lady.

l wasn't even sure if l would ever remarry 5 or 6 yrs ago after mine didn;t work out l started to lose complete faith in marriage.

lt was only around 5yrs ago l turned and started to think l think l would like to remarry should the right person come along and around that time boom , in walks gf. Yeah  l wondered if that was the omen you bet l did and earlier in thought a 1000 times l couldn't ask for more.

lt was bc of that l persisted bc of not only in the way that l felt and our potential but l also wanted us to get through her stuff and to have gotten through those times together , just like we still did even being 1200k apart all through Covid.

A couple that have been through a lot together are very special if they can get through it and we did, but now this.

l know there's many big things l could've done differently, like just gone for it for example , instead of all my holding back, l just don't know though.

And l don't know if things lately were the real her coming out as we do over time and so it's lucky l did hold back, or if they're just the result of everything else her problems and the frustration and hurt from me to or what.

l don't know if l could've or should've saved us and gone on to be that thing in us l saw at the start. The timing was like a gift from the Gods back then and so was she a lot of the time.

On the other hand, the way things had been going of late and then now have turned out, was that an omen instead- finally getting it through to me that this wasn't the one. l just can't tell.

l've always said right through l couldn't feel anyone else and that's another reason l persisted bc that would mean l shouldn't be feeling anyone else l'm already with her and we will stay that way.

l've relied on my gut and instincts my whole life bc they've always been far stronger than most, they've even saved my life, a couple of times actually. But this, why can't l feel what is what . l've never been in this position l've always known and felt it.

There have been other confusing times in other areas in life where l just couldn't detect the real , but never in something like this. l even felt her coming just like l did ex w way back l knew l'd meet gf to.

None of that fits with us not working out.

AT the end of the day though now, l just don't know if l've just completely blown what was offered to me when the time came along again , or whether later on as is now, maybe it just wasn't meant to be after all , maybe it just wasn't the offer coming along after all. l just can't feel which this is, which is really bloody strange for me. Tbh, if anything, l think it's feeling wrong we've ended. But l just can't quite tell if that's real.

logically and through all the normal ways, l just can't see though if we could've or should've gone on. And in other ways like that l'd could say it might be best we didn't in that many things were bothering me and in ways we were just seeming too different as time went on.

But l can;t be sure, that's what's so weird, l should be able to.

rx 

[CMF]

Rx, you said...

And l don't know if things lately were the real her coming out as we do over time and so it's lucky l did hold back, or if they're just the result of everything else her problems and the frustration and hurt from me to or what.

Either way,  this is her. What I mean is that if it is a reaction. It's still showing you how she'd be if other things didn't go her way. The way we react is still us, we can't blame the situation. 

[randomxx]

Hmmmm, well, that's true isn't it.

l often worried even yrs ago about the way she reacted to things. She showed some really worrying traits in that way very early in. That's what started my trust in her problem but everytime l started to relax, she'd show them again.

That sounds bad l know, what can l say.

[CMF]

I get it. I saw things in M that I wondered about. When I actually asked him he got very defensive. 

Goes to show that the things we think are ref flags probably are. 

[randomxx]

Yeah , and what do you think about those things now after 5 yrs ?

Trouble is for me, they're still there and with some more thrown in.

Maybe that's all been the read l just couldn't seem to be feeling , when in fact l was feeling it, it just wasn't what l was expecting to be feeling so it kind of got jumbled.

When you say you asked him , you know at my last trip up to hers , l actually sat her down saying l want to point something out to you.

She was still showing them and plus new ones to and l said you know, all this is why l just haven't been able to trust this and why l couldn't jump in at the start.

l tried to explain it to you then but you sent me on guilt trips but now you see l was right bc look at this look at that right now still, it's still happening.

She said , ok , so you were right, what can l do.

Welllll, that wasn't exactly the encouraging answer, explanation, l hoped for either.

[randomxx]

l had hopes that she'd understand and maybe say something like oh, l'm really sorry l didn't even realize , l'll try to .................

and all could be restored.

But her answer just made it even worse than ever.

[CMF]

When I asked him he said he was offended blah blah but then said he hoped his actions moving forward showed me etc.  Very next day he daid yes to another holiday with sis. Right in front of me haha.

I guess we can't change who people really are.

[randomxx]

Ah right, well at least his answer was something like what l was hoping for it was sounding great for a minute there but then he does it again.

Dk who got the worst answer really, you or me.