Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

Just reading yours about feeling better after the call.

As l've said we'd have the most beautiful calls and we'd often both be just overwhelmed by the time they'd end- with feelings l mean, they were just so special.

Well , to me and certainly to her to l mean her emotions showing were real surely but do you know what.

And it happened after our very last call to.

3 or 4 times over the last 12mths, just a day or 2 later after one of our calls, l've woken up to some big long text usually written 3 or 4am in the morng, saying she can't be in a relationship.

l just mean, wth , yaknow. How does that even work ?

So yet more trust problems bc we could be on the phone like that a day or two earlier for hrs , yet later l get that.

[CMF]

I think it takes alot to say you can't be in a relationship so I'd be leaning toward that being how she really feels.  Despite being hurt by M I know it woukd not have been easy when he realised how he was feeling. I don't think yours would be saying she can't be in a relationship if she didn't really feel it.

Another thing, saying something like that would put enough doubt in my mind too. Sadly, it's pretty clear they aren't fully in.

[randomxx]

yeah l'd think the same normally but l never took it seriously from her bc it was often like  just a brain burp in the middle of the night when her anxiety was going of. bc usually 2 days later she'd be normal again like it never happened.

She'd come out with anything when her anxiety ran wild but you stopped even taking any notice after awhile , l'd often stir her or have a chuckle and she she'd realize and settle down again. l tired other things and care and stuff but that one seemed to lighten her up again the best.

l probably should've been firmer with the call thing though, held her accountable for it. with calls though it was like the love would later scare her set of her anxiety she'd panic and run away type thing.

l was never sure.

l've read it a lot to with depression and anxiety in threads with a couple where one is bailing again but l always wonder with those threads to why their partner was bailing again and maybe their feelings just weren't right.

Wondered many times the same about gf to.

[CMF]

I see what you mean. Come to think of it, when I'd feel down with M I'd have thoughts of not wanting to be together BUT it was because something had happened that made me wonder why I was still with him. Maybe when she's having these moments something is triggering her. A bad memory or something happened between the 2 of you that you haven't realised upset her.  I understand it may be the depression talking but still think even if it  is the depression /anxiety that she's not able to come with a relationship & all that come with it.

Hugs

Cmf

[randomxx]

think you could be spot  on actually and the kind of continuation of the love thing scaring her later, the other part of it.

you two don't seem to have any big blow ups but although we could exist wks on end in some kind of beautiful bliss , we'd also often have blow ups. l can be a hot head if l'm set of before that l'm very patient but she can be a hot head just anytime it strikes her and over the silliest thing. Next minute it's all this yelling and drama over just total bs- and thats the part would then set me of bc it was just so bloody stupid and exhausting .

couldn;t see herself, wouldn't even realize she's yelling or going of to her it wasn;t even going of to her it's just like talking louder being an emotional person, but on the receiving end it's like someone making all this drama and yelling over some total bs. Man it wore you out fights would start and then hurt.

But not seeing herself just couldn't understand how exhausting she was sometimes.

l prob could've handled it different but l have my limits to.

[randomxx]

nearly did a silly thing last night.

before l met gf there was someone else for awhile. the only other person l'd been involved with since divorce but so although it was very strong, it also just never ran smooth.

we were both getting over our marriages but she'd been hurt in the most terrible way. l'm not sure if she was bpd or it was all just the result of her break up.

anyway, l almost contacted her last night , only reason l didn't in the end is l wrote a big text letter to her about back when but it wouldn't send. She's back in the US now and my phone wouldn't send to US.

Gotta be a sign, tried 3 times, even called them.

lt could've really been something with her but on the down side 2 things, one it just never ran smooth she was a really weird personality on the downside, or she was bpd. but 2ndly, as a partner, she would've been crap anyway, not even close to gf now,. We think gf now has problems this one , as cool and just mind blowing as she could be, she could also be like the devil himself's very daughter.

l'm sure it was someone protecting me when that message just would not send.

lt use to send no problem any time, last night, it just wouldn't.l even called them about it they couldn't figure out why it wouldn't send.

But a few hrs later when l come to my senses, l'm thanking the Gods it didn't.

[CMF]

Def a sign

[randomxx]

Don't believe it l only just realized there's an emoji thing there, always wondered how people were putting them into posts here.

lf l did know some of the last post and often others some things aren't meant in the way they sound in a post, sarcasmly exaggeration and stuff that just get lost in posts unless you explain that too.

Felt guilty later seeing with how it sounded bc the ex, she wasn't that bad we actually use to joke around about her temper and some of her ways though and she;d even chuckle at herself. lt was a weird thing really the ultimate in highs and she was so funny, classic soh and a real sweetheart to buttttt, there were buts you could say.

At any rate she contacted me a few mths back but l was still with gf so we didn't talk much. We have still talked a little over the yrs l dunno what l was thinking the other night though. Catch up or see how she is now that we could or something, cert not to jump into anything else right now.

Really weird how it just would not send though. Maybe it would tonight some glitch or something but l don't wanna try it just encase it does bc now l think it's probably better it didn't, for now anyway.

[randomxx]

D come over this arv and we went and got some tea later tonight. God she's a classic, diggin about , knows l'm missing gf and still midway.

l mean l do answer and lightly explain whatever if she asks but l try not to go into too much ha, not that she'd mind.

She reckons though she's caught midway bc she does really like gf and us as us to but at the same time she also knows a lot of her stuff to and says it's just not fair on me and l wouldn't be dealing with it with someone else. Which is true..

l realize today it was shear luck that message to the ex didn't send bc even just catching up with her would've started confusing things and l'm def' better of getting head and heart straight right now without adding more into the mix.

[randomxx]

We messaged a few today not much, just about some stuff had to be sorted.

She sounds though so miserable and ridiculously resigned to that's how her life has to be.

Coming from a chick that preaches being positive and she actually is when we're together she can be amazing when the chips are down or it's hitting the fan. Yet as soon as she's alone she's hell-bent on thinking she's destined to be her mother the rest of her life and there's no way out. Who's been wallowing and miserable for 30yrs.