Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

Hiya cm .

Yeah, makes a helluva difference actually especially as last up at hers she had some troubles. Now l'm back and she's explained which changed a lot but we haven't even been able to touch base since.

[CMF]

I think with the distance you need to decide either in or out for your own sanity. If you're in you comit to going back & forth & accept that's how it is. If you're out you start fresh & move on. Grieve, feel the hurt & let go. At least you won't bump into each other. After M & I split I bumped into his friends & family a few times i went shopping. I stopped and chatted but it was hard.

[randomxx]

Well, l've been expecting it.

l can't do it any more. Today once again and straight after a beautiful few hrs on the phone yesterday , she's too stressed can't cope , can't be in a relationship, too much anxiety about her life, she's too sick and all the rest of the usual.

Bloody hell.

Yaknow, she started back at tafe so here she goes again, mad with stress and anxiety, was sick yesterday afternoon, but then goes and stays up till 6.30 am last night watching some show, and todayyyyy, brain fart.

That's exactly how she works especially if she didn't get sleep on top of her stuff so then she blows up her world and thinks she's dying next day bc she's tired and and messed up on top of it.

Sooooo sick of this bs, knew it was coming said to myself a few wks back ldk where we are but one more of those and l'm done done done.

Very sad day but l can't deal with it any more.

[CMF]

Hey rx,

I'm so sorry this keeps happening but it sounds to me like you need to let go. It's not fair on you to be on this roller-coaster.  It's the same pattern over & over. If it's all causing her so much stress set her free, and yourself. Sounds like your lives are just not fully aligned right now. It'd so unfair on you rx.

Hugs

Cmf

[Carus]

As CMF says, you either commit and accept that this is how it's going to be....or you grieve the loss and start afresh....Grief is a horrible thing but it's a process and we can get through it.....

There's also beauty and strength in grieving a loss....in hindsight that is*
Sux when you're in the thick of it....

Always sad when these things happen but I also look forward to a few months down the track when you start feeling better*

HOWEVER, things like this are never cut and dry Random. She will most probably be reaching out to you here and there AND the contact demons will come for you too as you withdraw off the addiction.....and yes it is an addiction mate. We get very attached to our partners and MRI studies have been done so don't make me start bringing up all that jargon lol

Just know that withdrawing off a relationship is akin and painful to withdrawing odd heroin or cocaine...

Will you be strong enough.....?

Regards
Carus*

[randomxx]

Hiya cm and thanks for that , appreciated.

lt is yeah , has been 2 yrs now, one minute it's much she loves me and plans next it's but but bc of all her crap. And it's true there's no doubt about it no woman would do and go through some of the things she has for us not even ex w of 22yrs.

Her love's not in doubt just her ability to keep herself together and perspective unfortunately, something she's never been able to do now now not before me either l had hopes after her stuff was done but unfortunately the pattern went on. But l that's depression and anxiety right there isn't it and what it does unless they learn how to manage it, she has tried, just about everything so far.

She'll be calling again in a few wks when it all settles down again butttttt, l don't want to let it creep back in any more.

Hi there carus and thx for that.

l always think those guys writing all the attachment addiction stuff have never actually loved someone, not truly anyway. They're talking to all those lost souls out there just date date date lemon after lemon and have 50 x 3 mth so called relationships.

For any real relationship, love, real life, plans, working living the real together and all the things that go on between you in that life and in supporting ea other to, being together, that's a wholeeee nother plane to what those guys are talking too. l dont think most of them have even known that world.

Sooooo much more to it and involved that stuff doesn't even scratch it it's only a a few small part of things.

But it is a part of and yeah , stuff you gotta deal with to, l know.

But nope, no need to drag out the jargon.

looking forward yeah , got me through the 4yrs after divorce , and it wasn't even about women l actually thought l've had enough of them , just things l'd hoped to do and live and bla bla bla.managed some of them.

Anyway , in a few ways l'm kinda glad it's come to ahead, no surprise but l can as you say look forward as time goes on now,  plan and move along. That's been split in 2 so long now with her ups and downs l'm almost relieved tbh.

Kayaking tomorrow with my daughter, can not wait and on the comical side, she'll be giving me the 3rd degree .

[randomxx]

ln a way and l've known it to so been in self preservation mode right through but it's in a way lucky we've had this space and distance last 2 yrs and the on offs with her health stuff.

lt's been preventing us and me from continuing on from as involved as were earlier and kinda sent a lot of that backward to this part time thing.

l've often thought right through it could unfortunately be a handy preparation and make things easier should things not work out.

It will help a lot.

[randomxx]

She messaged today about how much this is hurting. Well l know it is, of course it is and l can see it's hurting her very very deeply but no wonder, we;re not suppose to walk away from someone we love, yaknow !

She just goes into deeper depression/anxiety while she's trying not to have the relationship she thinks she can't have because of it but that just makes her even worse anyway.

Yeah, we've talked about that many times but she's never been great at seeing herself especially causes and effects .

She's been carrying so much hurt the last yr or so though too, l didn't realize it was so much until this last few wks and some things coming out.

l know there's not much l can do now , especially when it's her that's collapsing all the time like this. But l hate seeing her like this but what can you do she does it to herself.

[randomxx]

Ironically today just by the sheerly coincidently l met someone at the beach the exact, exact, nationality of gf . l haven't mentioned her full mix in here bc it'd be too identifiable.

Her dog just ran over that's all and wouldn't piss off so she come and got it and we wound up chatting a bit.

Double ironically was that she actually looked like she could be gf's sister too, damn near twin actually. l recognized the accent asked where she's from and she'd even spent half her life in the same city gf did to and of around the same period.

Life eh, what are the odds on the other side of the world on a beach a wk after we split.

Tell you what, after she told me l felt like running, VERY fast. About 5 mins later her dog took off and she had to go looking for him, hidden blessings, l think so.

Anywayyy, much thinking , too much of course , like you do.

One things for sure though in anything l ever talked about gf round here it was always her her her and her crap her drama and her problems, l know that. But that was life, just how it was. All 5yrs of it.

Never a good sign, l know, just a few wks in l worried it might go that way and tbh, there were flags left and right , knew that too.

l dunno if your better of regretting something like this or remembering the goods and there were many of those too and so being grateful for those.

Just trying to find some sort of positive spin on all the crap and the 5yrs,l didn't need to waste those at this stage that is for sure so is it a waste or does it really happen for a reason, who bloody knows.

[CMF]

Rx,

I feel the same about M. Alot of my posts were about his sis & him. When we split I told him it was a waster. He disagreed but for me I was listening to how it would change over & over & it didn't.  It still hasn't,  she's still there.  I think you need to find the lesson. You showed what a hood person you are sticking by her & helping but you deserve more, as do I.  The physical stuff isn't enough to maintain a full ongoing relationship. You did wait patiently & try. As did I.

Pretty freaky about tge woman you met. What does your D say about that? Interesting thst you wanted to run.