Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

lt was just weird the way she'd changed again and so suddenly just before all this when she was finally just starting to get those meds out of her system and really seeming herself of late again earlier. Made me wonder what had been going on l dug a bit she made like there was nothing.

Well that is all one thing though right, at least l won't be spending the rest of my life moving in and out of all her flips and turns now.

[randomxx]

What a bloody crap wk , and this weather is really shaking me up to on top of it.

This whole yr ans been relentless. lt started off with 4 or 5 very big and very stressful things to pick off finally about 6mths in l'd gotten through them. Then gfx stuff and all this, then more things , and this damn weather. And l'm also 50k behind in everything.

Nothing from gfx , penny for her thoughts l'll tell ya. l'm in filthy moods all the time between all that plus her and stressed out. And then l realize again too how much l'm missing all our chatter and help to ea other.

Yaknow, when l'm so unhappy inside it comes through into everything and into not coping too .l've done pretty good first half of yr but then things started to keep coming and then gfx then this miserable damn weather- that really rubs me the wrong way l've been outside freezing and windblown all damn wk.

But it's just weird too , bc really gfx had that much damn stuff over so so long that was with me 24 7, l should have so much left in reserve now bc l'm not dealing with all that it should all be a cruise compared really.

But it seems to have brought me bad luck though too.

ldk wth is going on.

l know l'm miserable and really missing things though and l don't operate and cope too well at all when l get like that.

lt's usually her if we did talk other times she'd be that damn miserable , this time she didn't sound too bad last we did talk.

Mind you she might start calling again yet and only yesterday l';m thinking if she does l may not answer , as much as l'd like to but l just feel like it's about time l stopped over looking her flips and crazies and she was accountable for once. Been too damn easy on her.

This is suppose to help , maybe l'll feel better tomorrow now that l've had a good winge .

[CMF]

Hope getting it out has helped. M contacted me. It's all on my thread. I haven't responded. I don't plan to. 

Have no idea what he is thinking.

[randomxx]

Welllllll,  it's suppose to hey , we see eh.

Hmmm, l wonder , an excuse for the peace pipe maybe .

Don't think l'll answer either if she calls, thought she called today , didn't look but didn't answer- wasn't her though.

[randomxx]

Sadly, and incredibly frustratingly, even after over 5yrs, l still just do not know if l did the right thing. lt really really troubles me deeply and is with me everyday not just this last few wks, right through.

Yaknow, back in our first yr or two, l had the most loving and courageous girl with the heart of a damn lion like l've never seen in any woman, that was def' part of her people. Not only but she was gorgeous andddd, she was here and wanting us to build and start our life together wanted to share my work and help in any way she possibly could and my life and did , she did all and much much more, she even dived 4mtrs across the kitchen hardwood floor one day to save me falling of the ladder, broke her arm- no regrets said she do it again.

Traveled up and down all through covid cross borders man, the things she did for us. She wasn't all this flipping stuff back then she was different , persistent she hung in there and took a lot of shyt from me bc l was so hold back with her. She was just that damn loving and then there was her situation , l was just suss and just couldn't let it go.

l still don't know if l was right ro way off tbh. Bc all this stuff of our last few yrs only started later . But she was still giving us chance after chance but of course also getting more and more disheartened and discouraged . Her people marry within 2 or 3 yrs and she couldn't believe l was still this weird mix of hold back and not going for it if a man loved her by now he should have she'd say and she'd say l'd never find a more loving hard working loyal woman and she was right about that too - another thing her culture is known for once their minds made up.

So many ways l coulda shoulda, really it was amazing she was still giving us and me a chance 5yrs later, really was.

So this is why l'd let her off with all her flips and head, and right through all this she'd had incredible hardship and stress herself too on the side.

l still don't know, our situation was so complicated. lt was mainly me holding back that made it that way tbh. Bc she wouldn't have had to do and go through half the stuff she did if l'd had been in properly and she gave me 2 or 4yrs doing it my way, going slow and not jumping in.She gave me another 2 after that really too.

l'm still just that damn confused about things l've done and held back in it all and have l done the right thing. lf she was legit 100% , you could not have found on this earth a better lifes partner, wife, friend.

[randomxx]

Hmmm, thinking, however.

lt has also crossed my mind that she doesn't really need me anymore now too.

Her stuffs pretty well been done 2yrs now- she's had new stuff since but that she can handle. She's always stressing yeah but these things now aren't even on the same planet to what she was going through back when.

And she's also pretty well set up to now with a small income and a solid place of her own again now forever if she wants it.

Yaknow, given her situation when we met plus all the what could've been love bombing ldk , maybe it wasn't , my mate read her and said she was v real, but l still couldn't help but feel suss- and since now all this flipping.

lf she hadn't had been so flippy would've fixed myself up and married for sure but all that started and actually gave me a whole new round of suss and was basically what l worried about from day one.

Only thing was she was still trying too in between and must admit still gave us many huge chances. lt's just that she was flipping on others.

,

[randomxx]

Just saw you said fresh energy for spring cm . l do normally do things that way not only doesn't it seem to work for me anyway but it's also too much like the new yrs res that we never do.

With all this ranting , circles and rehashing though l probably do need to try that too now atm.

Always comes back to the same thing anyway, at least l know that much but l'd still call everything us a real 50 50 bc man , l held back so much and made things so hard for her , hurt her a lot , at this stage anyone would be flipping anyway.

But 99% of guys would've also had been suss too, doubt too many other would've been jumping right in either and then right through she did on the other hand as much this and that that she was mostly , she'd also have these other traits showing too though which just kinda kept refueling that and many a man has been used up and spat out when it's all over in her situation back when, knew that too.

Anyway. 

Things feel very weird this time, different. l think she knew l'd had enough and l'm prob putting my foot down , prob why she hasn't called back this time like nothings happened.

Would be so damn nice to talk butttt, right now l can't afford more circles.

[randomxx]

Scuse rant in above post to btw if anyone happens to try deciphering it, l'm Dyslexic and so at times writing can be very awkward - others not so bad.

Anyway, we talked yesterday, just messages.

Her sons bd but he's in another country and going through very bad times right now and so she is too sadly. l really like her son and just wanted to give them both a bit of a hbdy for support. l thought about it last wk and in the end decided to even if just a quick message .

We wound up talking a bit too though and l think l'm glad bc not only the obvious but l'd really been wondering how she's going she said same about me,

Anyway she's not sounding good poor bugger. her healths been giving her curry, l think it's nerves - anxiety kicking in . There's herself but then her sons situation and she's also worried sick about her mum back home, their countries in a really sad way right now.

She's not a happy camper on top of the us part of things she's got new appointments starting next wk with different doctors hope they can give her something.

Said she's still dancing though l said o it might be draining you even further your prob not upto it she said nah it's actually the only thing that's helping atm so at least that's something.

Anyway we just talked a bit about what's been going on.

Her caring side still just blows me away though even under her circumstances she still goes out of her way to ask about every tiny little thing and still tries to help as well as the bigger stuff.

l'm glad we talked a bit though anyway it's helped both our spirits but l guess from here though it'll be onto the next leg of this not so nice journey .

[randomxx]

Had a nice fire day today weathers bloody mad up here atm and d came over for fathers day , really nice. Warmth and my fav girl , what more could l ask.

Brother got married this morng ha ha , it's os - couldn't go. But eh apparently they put the wedding online- well wth ????? what will they think of next eh , didn't even know you could do such a thing.

Haven't seen it.

[CMF]

Glad you had a nice Father's Day.

Hope this week is better for you.

Hugs

CMF