Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[CMF]

Yeah, and M was never gonna agree his sis was intrusive. It would mean he'd have to change things & it's clear now he was using her to hide behind. If he asked her to give us space he'd have to man up. He needed his security blanket. 

[randomxx]

They were also just so into ea other though too , he shoulda just married sis.

god l just saw this thread started about gfx not being able to be in a relationship 10 or so mths ago and here it is now just ending about the same thing.

So l certainly persisted then didn't l eh can't say l didn;t try.

l feel pretty well resigned now , don't think we've spoken this wk either but it's the feeling of why, l think we've both given up. l did decide this time to though l'm not taking it any further now where as earlier l kinda stayed open for when she did her next u turn buttt, no more uturns for me now.

lt all feels v weird , and very sad too, especially to have lost my best friend part of it bc she was much more but she was that too which l believe a couple should be, but also the part of that in just having ea other to turn to anytime anything day or night. She was beautiful like that, so special, so giving in those ways and l didn't do too badly either.

But in another way l sorta feel just a tiny bit of peace too . l think it's just in the finally excepting of things now , things that like the start of this thread have been up and down and all around all yr but now it's time. As if at least there's an answer now.

ldk, it's a strange feeling peace being so entwined with all the other emotion about things but at the same time, there is a peace creeping through.

[CMF]

I'm glad you are feeling peace amongst everything else. 

I always told him it was like they were married. People thought they were.  That in itself is creepy cos it means they give off married vibes. Ugh 🤮

[randomxx]

Thanks for that cm , l hope it sticks around . lt's really really weird bc in ways it's sort of nice even though this outcome obviously wasn't what either of us were hoping for but you know, it's all been as stressful as hell really to yaknow. l know you know all about that yourself too but ldk.

Said to my d just last night yaknow, 5yrs l've been going through all her stuff right there with her and it was big stuff, and for the last 18mths been also going through all this on off stuff too now. l'm thinking l prob won't even know myself in a few mths time the freed up mental energy from it all now is going to be hard to imagine. 

Creepy alright and you said somewhere other day and they'd kiss ea other when one got home and all l just mean, it was all just very very weird.

[CMF]

The freed up mental energy is nice. You'll still feel sad, hurt, lonely but the thought of not having to  deal with things that drained you will be so nice. I'm struggling. Don't know why, but I know I'm happier & so relieved to be out of it all. It was too much for too long & now I accept who he really is. A jerk.

[randomxx]

Yeah it's hard to imagine and on top of it all texting alone takes a helluva lot out of me too when your at it 24 7 l'd never have believed l'd ever be texting like that but now, there's basically none of that either. Just an odd message here and there with someone and that's it. Can't imagine how l'll be feeling in a few more wks mentally wise now after everything combined for so long.

Butttt, sorry for the waves to cm . l mean there were good things too and lots of nice times and the connection and emotion too . Even if you know somethings going to be for the best and feel this or that too on the other hand, there are all the other things and side of it all too. 

Truth is, even for me l should be thankful, thanking my lucky stars really tbh after everything she put me through butttt, maybe later on l'll turn around and feel that way looking back.

[CMF]

Imagine standing in the rain. Look up to the sky with arm out wide.  Let the rain fall on you & wash away all the crap. Wash away the drama,  the weight, the frustration of the last 5/6  years. Feel the raindrops falling on your skin, fresh, washing it all away.  Run through the rain, jump in puddles, spin around & let it all wash over you until you are soaked. All the crap has been washed away with the rain. It's calming, refreshing, liberating,invigorating.  Let it all go, down into the drains with the rainwater. It's cleansing.  Cleansing your heart & soul. Freeing your mind. Let it all wash away...

[randomxx]

Ah cm , what beautiful thoughts, thank you my friend.l copied it to keep on my phone.

We'll run through it together and wash it all away.

Many hugs.

[randomxx]

Funny about that.

Yesterday went over to my fav beach lake.lt's got a huge sand bar strip that rises up and drops down to the beach on one side and down to the lake on the other and we love just roaming all over it.

Storms were comin and l wanted to watch them from the car so headed back up but ahhh, you got me thinking last night.

lt'd be the most beautiful place too for a happy rain dance.

[randomxx]

Bit of a relapse , God l hate this crap.

And been wondering where she's at and how she's feeling. We usually match but since her latest l can''t be in a relationship and a bit beforehand too , she hasn't been herself again so it's anyone's guess. l know l'm really feeling it though.

At work today was so bizarre bc l'm so use to having messages and calls flying in all over the place but it was just a still .

So l should've been coping well then with this problem child job l'm doing atm then you'd think right but nope, l found myself very out of sync and with no patience , short fuse and all over the place, think l focused better before with nonstop interruptions.

D came out to talk and help me with some stuff the other day and it was really weird bc l kept having kinda mental replays of it being gfx not d bc she was always coming out to work.

Thought l was good last few days well, better, excepting , but l feel backwards and nowhere all over again. Almost cracked and called her, pretty poor isn't it, not that she'd mind or bat an eyelid either but l just feel it's better l don't atm. She probably will herself soon but then again , might not either.

l suppose it's time a decision was made and stuck by though and probably best.