Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

Weird, just reading your last post on your thread cm saying how his words mean nothing.

That was a really strange thing about gfx , her words. They just poured out day one . Powerful words, words that to me you do not just throw around, words you'll probably only feel for one maybe two loves in your life . But yet from her, l mean l still don't know how deep any love truly went or tbh if it was even real, but her words were somehow just too easily said, there was something missing in them.

And here we are and have been 1/2 a dozen times, yet again, the flip and it's done forget words of love no l can't be in a relationship, yaknow what l mean ?

Sometimes even just a few wks ago , we'd have the most emotional phone calls both of us almost bursting , yet do you know a few times after one of our calls, very next day or through that very night, l'd get this big long message saying she couldn't be in a relationship.

Even the emotions often seemed just not quite right, affection was the same.

This is why l've tried to say their culture or ways even you might say or whatever it is l'm not even sure but this sort of thing seemed pretty common in them and it was something always scared me about really letting any love too loose on her and so l always held back.

The few times l did allow myself , didn't really change anything so that discouraged and worried me even more and so even more conviction in my gut telling me l couldn't trust it.

You know, she'll still talk all this love but yet she'll stil just walk away - l mean what is that, yaknow ?

Not sayin she was like m as such but your feelings about he';s character and words was def something.

[CMF]

Has to make you wonder right? I kniw you say it's her culture, and I understand what you mean,  but maybe it is just her also? Yes her upbringing had made her just who she is...like M, but maybe she really just says things in the moment without thinking of what it may mean to you? After the 6 months M & I had I think he's peverted & so in need of being validated as a man & "the best". He has no depth whatsoever. Everything disposable from one week to the next, even me. They're not our people rx.

Hugs 

[randomxx]

Yeah , disposable a pretty fitting term actually. like in my world and in heart, you don't say and feel this stuff and especially not with the intensity she'd show sometimes, yet next minute be disposable just like that.

l could never be sure either, culture or the person, the person side of it really really worried me if that's what it was and what would've been the outcome earlier in if l was fully in, ldk. But all l did know was l need to see if l was right or wrong and the test of time first.

My Columbian mate read faces and he was very very real with it could tell you anything about a person and it'd be spot on every time. He said man you are so lucky you know what l'd give to have a woman like that love me the way she loves you , and l could often see that in her face too but l could also see the other part that was the problem, well l thought l could.

Maybe he was right so early in , maybe cause and effect from my way made her start to guard up too later on in self preservation, l really just still dk , or maybe in the end l was just right after all.

l don't blame you feeling ways you do now , not one bit and don't you either hey bc all this crap of his thinking all this nicey covers his backside was just such bs, like you say that has to have some actual real depth to it and be real.

Hugs cm.

[randomxx]

l feel ready to start going my own way and on with plans. She'll probably still call and message a bit yet but l'm ready to fade it out from here.

Seen servo girl a few times this last wk or so but decided to let that go to bc one l'm not ready anyway although do these things ever come along at the perfect time, yaknow. Just bad timing in general too though. She looks puzzled now l feel bad, buttt !

And my plans too and how would anyone new even fit right now anyway and l'm not going on hold again for another woman. Even if - it'd still be quite awhile before we even knew anything and for who knows how long, could go nowhere anyway and l'd be back to square one.

Not that l even know if she'd really be interested anyway but eh, still gotta look at the big picture right now encase.

[randomxx]

Feeling very crap. Alright , l'm missing her, and us.

lt's really bizarre to not be yakking day and night one way or another, really bizarre and lonely to must admit . So strange at work now too there's literally no chit chat no messages no calls whenever, nothing, all day. May as well leave the phone inside. Gloomy damn weather hasn't been helping either.

Starting to get a handle on my other situations though worry and stress wise just this past wk or so though so at least that's something. That's all filed away in the stuff it see what happens basket now there was a lot of stressy stuff to do with it and sort but it's all done now and now that it is l just can't be bothered with any more so it's a whatever from here.

Feeling like this is it though with gf, couldn't see any turn around from here now after everything we've been through and for so long. lt's sad, as she says too anytime we have talked.

Today l've had our differences going through my mind all day and some of her ways too and just things l had trouble with. TBH though , even after all these yrs l still don't know if l could've gotten past some of them some really just put me off right though tbh but she refused to do anything about them.

One thing about still being all this LD and part time stuff, you never got some consistent normal everyday time for any period not like most couples so if there were things it kinda went unanswered bc you weren't together enough to see if they were gonna be real problems or workoutable or what.

So as it was still standing though not much was happening and they were till really bugging me soooo, who knows now.

But anyway so there are those things and they were important to me enough to often trouble me quite a bit actually in the background.

lf there was someone else, l suppose there'll be other things, l know, l use to think about that too right through.

Not that l expect perfect it just there there are things but then there are things, some matter some don't , well this stuff must admit did and it did use to effect me too quite a bit in ways that really count too tbh.

Sooo, there is that stuff.

l was thinking today God almighty over 5yrs l've been dealing with all her stuff, 5yrs, big stuff, some of it huge, 5yrs. Plussss, messaging or yakking one way or other all day and night.

lf someone would've told me l'd be doing that much massaging l would've said no hope in hell , but there ya go.

But so then all together, sooo much stuff. Man , it's a wonder, really, l don't feel about 100kg lighter it really is. l'm so use to the opposite these days this is really gonna take some regetting use again now just on it's own without the rest.

[randomxx]

lf there is no turn around and l really can't see one but just being without all the stress and worries that just came with her, all this time, that alone- l really just can't even imagine right now tbh what it'll be like now.

l remember way back before hand, back in the day for a few yrs there for once in my life there really wasn't much to worry about did what l wanted way l wanted when l wanted and l often use to chuckle at life back then but then, it was back into the frypan ha ha.

l can;t feel anything atm , it's strange. Earlier in the yrs l was feeling things but right now all l can see or feel are plans l'm working on and that's it- apart that, blank.

Although it is understandable right now.

[CMF]

I understand & it will get easier. M& I live 10 mins away & it was like LD as we never had day to day quality time. You just can't grow like that.  It will get easier but again, having said thst, I thinkbog him most days. I don't miss him bur I go over all the crap I put up with, what I allowed, what he said would change etc.  I hate him. Hecwas a waste of time, but I'm happier. You will too rx. It will take a while, but you will. If you read my thread this week you may have a bit of a laugh.

Big hugs my friend

Cmf

[randomxx]

Ahhhh, thx for that cm very appreciated , really.

Sadly yeah l often thought of you and m as LD , shame bc yeah you always needed more normal couple time together too just to see what you actually really had. Hard to believe really but we probably actually had a lot more time together than you two, mths straight at mine sometimes, but then mths and mths apart again too, just wasn't enough like you , to just see how things went yaknow.

Sad you feel that way now but at the same time good too l guess. Us, it really was 50 50 from us both, maybe even more me, so as pain in the bum as she could be , can't put it all on her.

Anyway , hope so and it's really good to hear your doin better and prefering it bloody good for you cm , you put up with his sill bs long enough for sure.But you also gave it a good go and that's important too right, and to know that in your heart.

Mad really but l felt we needed one more, there were revelations last few mths but there ya go , as usual she doesn't even see em anyway.

That was always scary about her, the stuff she just didn't see.

Many hugs cm .

rx

[CMF]

Oh I agree. It's the things they couldn't see that made us think wth.

I saw his sis this week. Have a read of my thread. I think you'll be proud 👏 

[randomxx]

Yeah fr sure. lf he or she doesn't just naturally see things that really matter it was really scary to me , especially if you can point them out but yet they still just don't get it. She was such a strange mix. ln many ways she was just so damn on the ball and intuitive,  far more than most, one thing l always loved about her.

But with her there were also big gaps in that sort of thing too, things that really matter yet you'd know they wouldn't even be noticed.

l saw it right through and l could see it was just her and so there'd be no changing it. lt wasn't about her getting to know me deeper , it was just her way in some areas.