Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

There ya go right there once again , you've described it in all the same ways she always has and that l've also seen in so many other threads too.

And you use anxiety which is exactly what she also always pointed to in her bad times l think it's mainly what makes her think she has to be her mum to basically, anxiety and fear . Her anxiety was much worse than her depression side. She could lift herself from depression but anxiety she couldn't control.

Funny you should say focus on me too though bc l remembered something else l said over the wkend , told her l'd had 2 plans 12 mths now , 1 for us and one for me. That really peed her off and probably brought out the jab later on.

ldk how she'd possibly think l'd be stupid enough to just plan for us though anyway holy hell she'd just flip next day anyway.

l can really appreciate what your saying about that good place before him , it's such a shame . lt's so hard bringing ourselves back in life or even just reaching that place naturally over time. letting somebody else into ourselves at that point again almost becomes a gamble doesn't it. l actually felt that way when l met her and l was very very wary.

Thku cm.

[randomxx]

Thx again my friend.

ldk if we'd call her on offs ins outs flips left and right doing something wrong- would we? ldk if she could even control it and the anxiety or if she was even aware of half of it. l'd watched her many times just do weird things too in those sorts of ways , as if her head was just spinning.

[CMF]

She hasn't done anything wrong & I don't think she can control all the spinning. If you look deeper, you can't even be physically together. The ending of a relationship doesn't have to be because someone did something bad. Sometimes it just can't work or isn't meant to be . I read something along the lines of - if someone is not meant for you the Universe will continually make them do things to show you until you realise. I really resonated with that.

Hugs

[CMF]

Sometimes people are removed from our lives for a reason too. To allow other / better things in 😔

[randomxx]

Yeah for sure.

And l've thought about that side many times l;ately too. Even if l just take logistics alone, she's all the way up there and l'm way down here, and l can't handle staying at her place. The place is really nice it's not that, inside, it's the outside that's the problem. Zero privacy zero anywhere to even sit out and see some sun, air, you've gotta get out of the whole property first but it's one of these set ups that's just  really uncomfortable trying to come and go from.

5 yrs of course that could all be fixed , we get married and she moves to mine but l can't make that commitment bc she's too damn unreliable .

Anywayyyy, yeah, was this 5yrs meant to be, was your 5yrs meant to be, does it then lead us to somewhere else that couldn't happen if it wasn't for this 5yrs first- who knows right.

Time will tell. Spent all this time worrying about that 5yrs rolling on butttt, who knows , maybe it might've even had been meant to be this way to align with something else.

Oh well,. not worried about any of that anymore now, just my plans for now is enough atm on top of dealing with this too and life in general.whatever.

[CMF]

I think I needed it to know my worth. I'm so much better & know what I deserve.  I get so many compliments on how I look now. I wouldn't have achieved this with him. I'm in a better place in many areas of my life & I got to call him out on his bs so yeah, maybe there was a reason.

[randomxx]

Hmm, myself, l could do any of that without her no worries there buttttt, there were many many of our beautiful times and as pain in the arse as she can be, there was also just the pleasure of knowing her, being with her- so for all that l am v grateful l can say that much. But l wasn't looking for some short term thing and l wouldn't have given up 5 yrs for it though as l could've been with my real forever by now and there was much much stress which l also sure didn't need either that came with her too buttttt, trying to use the positives, yaknow.

But am l in a better place hell no lost 5yrs and have been on hold butttt, there is the aboves though soooo, what do l make of all that, ld bloody know, tis what it tis right.

[CMF]

It will take a few months to be in a good place again. It's taken me 3 after cutting him off. Give yourself time, enjoy things you like to do & focus on your plans for yourself. Before I was with him I wasn't looming for anything with anyone. Now I'm not looking for anything with anyone.

[randomxx]

Thks cm.

Missing her so much today, just am , her, and the classic person that she is and the way that we just chatter.

But also bc tbh l need her right now, there's serious house complications going on for me this yr but in just this last wk l'm having very serious discussions going on in negotiating things and it "finally"- may be coming to a head, that is just a maybe, within the next few wks .

She's the only one that knows the real situation and it's complications l haven't wanted to go into it with anyone else.

Mind you , she can't understand the whole picture and the big picture bc not only her English but she's never been involved in anything real estate here and doesn't understand it so it often ends up more frustration than it's worth but eh- she's all l got with this- had. D knows a little bit of it but l haven't told her the whole thing she's got enough on her plate.

Butttt, l just really miss her too atm. We'd been blabbering away a fair bit this last few wks all over again and it got me use to having that and just her again , us. l was sort of getting through before that but unfortunately now , well.

Been wondering all day how she's feeling and we usually align so l've been inside having a little wish she'd just say something, anything, just a little something, it'd help , l think.

At the same time though l suppose if this is the way it's going to be then maybe a dman good break in communication might also help. ld bloody know.

Not a happy vegimte though atm. And l trying to just brush this house stuff going on off as l go but that ain't easy either.

There's been quite a bit of very in depth messaging going on this last wk with it all and all that reading and tapping away and thinking , doesn't help for sure. Tends to implant it all into your head making it very hard to go on brushing it off damn it.

Back to work tomorrow so at least that's going to help a bit in both her and house stuff. Was off today and there was more of it so l didn't get my work therapy to balance out the stressors .

[CMF]

I'm sorry to hear you've got other things causing stress. I know what you, wishing she'd make contact, aligning. I was feeling that way till a month ago. Wishing he would say something I guess so I felt we had some connection still, despite everything. 

If you didn't have this other stuff going on would you still be missing her so much? Could it be you just need someone supportive/under