Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

Eh there fs and no problem at all you've got your hands full of late yourself and sorry to hear you've been crook too damn, sounds nasty, hope your on the mend soon.

But that's ok mate l just come in and do my circles which hopefully leads me to conclusions in the end- or not.

l'd feel guilty about sparky girl except l know O will be saying what she does next minute anyway and most guys would've been off yrs ago.

Anyway yep get back anytime you feel like it my friend no drama , hope things are getting there.

Cheers mate

rx

[randomxx]

Hiya cm and thx for the hugs back at you could cert use some of that atm.

How r you holding up ?

But yeah, as per usual it's like the moment l do relax around it all goes again l really hate not being able to feel secure in her ups , hate it. lt's just not the way things are meant to be and trust is one of my biggest and most important insistances buttttt.

She doesn't seem to get that, they work differently and any of that is more just like an ohwell , l'm sorry, what can l do and that's just that. But it's not just that to us it takes yrs to build she just doesn't seem to understand that sort of thing.

Even in all our contact it;s nothing for her to be all so full of love one minute but then to just change course on a whim and it's just an oh well, what can l do baby, l'm sorry and it's suppose to just be all ok. And she'd be exactly the same lf l just came home walked in and said sorry baby but l can't be with you anymore- she'd be ok , cry for a mth or 2 and that'd be that.

But it doesn't look like changing that's for sure - exception of actually being in person again and just seeing from there . l'd like to to l'd be willing to give that one last but it is a big deal and v costly but when l'm still getting this at this end now, seems crazy to even bother yet again.

And akl this contact isn't helping when it can go to such highs but yet next minute anytime just be then switched of like a tap again. lt just doesn't work like that.

l'm not really into being friendy with an ex if that's what it becomes personally l feel the book needs to be closed if that's the way it;s going to be.

l don';t feel new doors new life open in their natural way not mentally or physically if the old door is still half open.

[randomxx]

l haven't answered her stuff for a few days now l don't think there's any need to say anything she can work it out and it's about time she realizes she can't just be whatever the whim.

[CMF]

I agree with all you've said below. I think you know it's time to move on.

I hope you find some peace & happiness 🙏

Hugs 

Cmf

[randomxx]

Ahhh thx cm , me to , for you and for me.

[TheFarSide]

For what it's worth RX - I think it's been a good choice to let your communication and support response time drop down a little - to let her find her own feet without the immediate support - I get though that it prob feels counter intuitive to where you want to be. 

Sometimes though change is good - the old adage of: 'do what we've always done and we'll get what we've always got'...

On my side - for the life of me I'll never understand why a BPD operates the way they do - particularly the core driver that says, 'the way to make a relationship work is to make sure it doesn't'. 

We are still in the house together - separate bedrooms/lives/emotions/interests. 

It's prob been not the healthiest choice to grieve from within the walls - but for now that's the choice that makes sense in the bigger picture of life.

Rely on your strengths and inner values RX and maintain a good sense of decency and humor. 

Above all - if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck... we there's a fair chance it just might be a duck 🙂  

[randomxx]

Ah thx fs and man , so sorry about things, it's such soul destroying stuff and l certainly get that bigger picture.

But my friend you wouldn't be alone in it being so hard to even fathom BPD. Mind you you'd be an expert compared to my brief experience but with the person l knew, there's probably nothing she'd have wanted more than that forever relationship/marriage actually and she had many many qualities too no doubt about it. But l always use to think it was fear basically, she reals it in it's what she wants so badly but then she has to sabotage it destroy it so that it can't hurt her.

Unfortunately l wish my my duck was all duck but she's a big part white swan too, damn it.

You take care of yourself man eh in whatever way you can and believe there'll be light again one day for you .

[randomxx]

Well, l'm not off to a very good start am l , she called today.

She saw my weather here today knows l won't be out working in this or be out anywhere else but inside with a fire, watching movies.

l watched it ringing for a bit but felt like she could see me and l felt guilty so l answered. So there ya go l lasted all of 4days, baby steps, but Rome wasn't built in a day right.

And now l've felt guilty all evening bc we talked a few hrs and she was just her and it was so damn nice . But inside l'm thinking you can't have a relationship your too sick remember.

rx

[randomxx]

Speaking of that bpd type thing, we all have traits of all these different things too and l've often wondered if gf is sabotaging .

She's never has been that great at seeing herself though or connecting the dots but yaknow, l've never committed always held back for different reasons which she never has quite understood.Last few visits didn't go well. Mainly bc she was as ratty as hell and just not herself at all but l later find out she was still on those meds. So it's all come across as hurting her a lot to her but none of it's been intentional it's just been cause and effect , except she just often can't see the causes and reasons.

She's a highly intelligent girl , way above average butttt, like all of us she does have her stuff too.

Sometimes l've thought her off spats after such loving periods are fear kicking in.

One minute she can't have a relationship she's too sick next she's still calling and talking in all our normally loving terms and ways , messaging all the same , beautifully appreciative and loving long letters, next it;ll be she can't have a relationship again she's too sick.

[randomxx]

Although, whatever the case it keeps happening, l'm probably crazy even still here bothering .

Talked a bit last few days, wks, too much l'm thinking, if we aren't together mostly her, calls and lots of messages.

lt's hard not to answer though and l'm on my own most of the time to so although l appreciate some of the well- right company, and she would be of course if we still were - but we aren't.

Maybe it really is as simple as what she's been saying , she's too sick and too stressed to think of much else bc man she has some stuff it's even getting too much for me let alone her.

lt's all still going on and will be for a good few years yet and as we've talked about here earlier, sometimes l think she's addicted to troubles these days she's been living it so long and it's never gonna stop anyway.

A lot of our talking lately's been about more of it and l can't really not help bc she would not hesitate with me but not only. l'm the only Aussie she knows and a lot of it's all to do with the way things works here that she doesn't quite get yet and what's this what's that. There's also still part of her legal stuff goin on too so it's important stuff.

At the same time though, l'm starting to think 1, don't think it matters what it is anyway it's never gonna end but 2, we aren't together anymore and although l was open to it she's turned around and come out yet again she can't be in a relationship so it's all becoming ok, whatever, enough is bloody enough.

And l'm thinking it could even be a blessing bc man she has some stuff and l've already had 5yrs of it, it just follows her round, lawyers do to l think.

Thinking it might have to be time l start backing away and being less available bc if we're nowhere then l can't keep carrying on as if we still are when we aren't and l also can't just go on dealing with all her stuff forever.