Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[CMF]

Or maybe not. The fact she's caught your eye is interesting. 

I know what you mean about meeting someone 'normal'. M was financially intertwined with sis,  joined at the hip with sis, living like a married couple,  she has him by the b@!!$ cos he feels indebted. They are co dependant & in love in a sickly way. It is creepy how a 55yo man & a 43yo woman,  brother & sister can be like that. I'd love a man with no strings attached to someone else. Not a self centred, Insensitive little boy who is like his sisters' puppy dog.

[CMF]

They were often mistaken for a couple. That in itself tells you they give off a 'couple' vibe. M found it offensive when someone called her his wife. They were getting passports.  I had to point out they were a man & woman with same surname with his 2 boys. Why would anyone think they were siblings not a married couple? He really did not see it. Then again, he never did see the obvious.  His wife has a 5 year affair under his nose...and then another one. 

[randomxx]

You see this is it. That ain't normal, nothing about m is normal , not the way he doesn't see anything or understand how things or himself ticks, and this sis thing is def not normal, all the mister nice, the way he was with you two, nothings normal about him. The sis thing alone would put most women off.

gf, should just start calling her O , is such a special girl , person, she has so much soul, butttt, she has all her stuff too and this damn head of hers. The only way l've stayed sane plus coped with all her other stuff is by keeping it all grain of salt. l've been doing it day 1 bc l saw her day one, as cool as she is, all her stuff- and then there was her 3 1/2 yrs of legals back then too.

l mean l don't expect perfection nor mind a few problems l've got a few too but you know, this was way way above and beyond anything even close to any normal. And then there's financially and man it'd be so nice for my woman to drive.

l mean l can live with those things too but at the same time, a more normal situation would sure make life easier and so nice nonetheless tell you what. 

ldk, when someone pops up at this stage and with the way we still are the way she still is to this day, tell ya, it just really makes you think.

l mean could you even imagine after all this time cm, being with someone else with just no crazy sis thing, yaknow, just that one thing alone.

What a breath of fresh air would that be right.

l mean O does know and see a lot of her stuff herself and l suppose she's saying that anyway with her oh l'm just too sick stuff and a lot of things weren't even her fault she's been through hell , nor her situation now butttt, it still is what it is combined though that's the thing.

[randomxx]

l mean l could live with most of it and she's the most supportive person l've ever known with any of my stuff, but it still is what is it and then her head and the too sick attitude , thinking, or whatever you'd call it.

She says no one can see what's going on inside not even doctors and l get that and know it can be like that but she still has her fitness and mentally she is still more than capable of having a lovely relationship , she thrives in it actually and she's so much happier butttt, she gets alone and it all starts again.

She does stuff, l mean l can see a lot of it , but she can't see the goods she has too, she only sees the bad stuff.

[randomxx]

Then again , depression and anxiety right there right, that is what it does.

[CMF]

Normal. Gees,  imagine that. Just the thought of it feels like a weight off my shoulders. I'm do glad I finally told him where to go. 

[randomxx]

Probably what l should be doing to just in a different sense .

Been thinking about everything and read back through messages of the last mth or so. Jezuz.

She sent me this beautiful long letter of course l hadn't forgotten it but it was now burried way back in miles of other messages but of how much she loves me and appreciates me and well, won;t go into more of it but it was so soulful so from the heart. And l'd thought ahhhh, thk God she's finally coming back down from wherever she's been last 12mths now this,is the girl l knew.

And about 2 wks before that she'd said  ha, we should just get married, why not, we can be long distance until l finish here, why not. l even ran it past d bc of course it concerns her too ha, she thought it'd be a pretty cool way of cutting through the bs and said the same ha, why not.

Bugger me a mth later gf's telling me she;s too sick can't even look after her self can't cope and it's back to couldnt have a relationship.

You see, that's the extremes she can go and all that's why l haven't been able to commit . She was steadier earlier on but even then l could still see this side of her and l knew she could still just turn in a heartbeat, love or no love.  51/2 yrs and it's still the same.

l need my head read even being here.

[randomxx]

Anyway.

 l know now l can't go on with our chatter and still being in touch like this if we aren't even going anywhere or going to,

Earlier l'd been thinking l might just go up later on and take it from there but now with this l can't cope or be in a relationship stuff, againnnnn ! Following talking about marriage and the most beautiful letter she's ever written, how could l ever even trust anything still after all this time.

How could l waste all that money and time and distance going all the way up there again later when here she is back to square one anyway. She'll change if l did yeah we'd probably be us again but as soon as l'm gone again she'll be back to this.

lt's feeling like it might have to be time , l don;t even feel like answering her last messages from last night now,stopping this here, it just feels pointless.

[TheFarSide]

I haven't been able to pop in for a while - had a bit of normal winter illnesses that come with both the veracity and the damage they can do at this time of year - also then compounded with some other time demands. 

I wish I had something magical to say RX - but I don't... However, that said I am glad you got to feel that little spark of new attraction at the servo.  That little glint can be an absolute fantastic feeling sometimes even if it pans out to be nothing. 

Really the worst that can happen is you may engage in a light way with someone with whom you can say hello to as a friendly face.

I'll pop a story in from my misspent youth with something similar in a little while.

[CMF]

I'm sorry rx. It does seem it isn't going anywhere & you still have so many doubts. Perhaps closing this chapter will make room for something else. Something not so complicated.

Big hugs

Cmf