Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

Yeah , it can't be right surely somethings wrong.

ldk l've only been certain about marriage once in my life ex w and with us, l knew 2days after meeting, there was no doubt.

Alright sadly we both changed a lot 20yrs later unfortunately but, l knew it 100% at the time though.

There's was none of this stuff and nothing at all really it was just a given.

[randomxx]

Things have been adding up more and more with time and from actually one of you posts in your thread to cm.

Not that it's gonna help at all and l wouldn't even know if l'd wanna risk trying to mend fences with us again now anyway, not only but our last communication went badly.

lt wasn't even a fight or anything bad at all l actually just sent her some new information l found that could really help with her situation hugely.lt was really big stuff so even under the circumstances l still wanted to send it to her bc it could change her whole situation. Next minute though she's totally confused and misunderstood what l'd said, translation was often a nightmare and something you had to be really careful with sometimes buttttt,  that lit the fuse and she cracked it. Didn't end well.

Don't worry it's happened in reverse to plenty of times, some of the things she's said , man. Wth she's just said that to me ???? it's turned out down the track she'd totally misunderstood the translation in what she was trying to say.

Butttt, anywayyyy. Not that it matters now but l see more and more now huge turning points yet really they were chance after chance yet messed up. A lot of it on me to for sure.

Man what you'd give for time over sometimes yaknow.

Thing is to though , l don't know if l could change anything too much bc it's all cause and effect, that's how a couple work right. You either effect ea other in the right ways and that causes, and encourages things to happen as they should, or you effect ea other in the wrong ways and that causes all kinds of crap.

So l wouldn't be too sure at all whatever l see now could even change much long term anyway. l needed her to make some changes then things wouldn't have effected me in the ways they did but she'd need me to make some to.

Thing was though l was willing and trying but she was totally blocked about needing to change or compromise or improve anything.

ldk how you'd describe it but it was kind of this arrogance edge she had.

[CMF]

I get it. People's behaviour can change your attitude which then affects your behaviour etc. If the relationship is right that shouldn't happen. I understand the sort if arrogance too.  I saw that in M sometimes. The over Confidence, thinking what he has is better over what someone else has. All that comes down to insecurities. Needing to be better than others, be liked by ever, be the winner & then even saying "everyone knows I'm a great guy". It is all insecurity.

[randomxx]

Yeah for sure , you of all people know all about cause and effect with that sis of his and then all his ways on top of it.

Gf , she's incredibly and beautifully to l must add, humble at times but man when it came to other certain things though, it was her way or hwy she just couldn't even fathom how she could possibly need to do one damn thing about whatever.

Do you compliment ea other in other ways though ?

On the other hand there were also things with her and the good side of us that it was all about for me bc in other ways we were just so damn comfortable around ea other and just so in zinc, so alike. lt was all such a real mixed bag with her and us bc normally you'd never have this side of us but then the other side to as a couple it'd be more so toward one or the other. Just loved our good side.

Didn't see this one coming though after just mentioning our last message eff up from the other night in the last post.

low and behold she just sent me some info last night now , just via message.

Didn't say anything with it much just that she thought this might be helpful for my d and then the link.

Think she realized she blew up and completely misunderstood over nothing on the one before.

Anyway, l haven't answered it, don't think l will bc that could be twisted around into another blow to atm , mood she's been in.

rx

[CMF]

If you answer it could start another round of communication too. Up to you If you want to or not.

You asked of we compliment each other in other ways.  I think we did.  Both easy going. Got along with each other's family, we had trust. Neither one was demanding.  But I was upfront whereas he would sweep things under the carpet. I'm ok with people not liking me, he can't handle it. I've had to get thru tough things alone, he's always had someone to help. We did compliment each other but then are so very different. 

[CMF]

You cannot change someone who doesn't see an issue with their actions.

[randomxx]

Yeah , l did thank her. We usually never don't answer ea other no matter what so l did in the end.

Differences are a weird thing aren't they , importances change with time and age.

The biggest thing for me with was was always that we just existed and lived so well together, and we felt the same about just live, people, beliefs, the world.

That's all been huge for me and why l persisted bc at this stage they're huge and really important things , someone you can happily exist with and just do your thing, and of cause feel all the right stuff for.

Unfortunately though the other side of things, her ups and downs, mh and all her stuff, so much, messed with everything none stop. l could've handled a lot of it differently l see that now but l'm not a magician.

rx

[randomxx]

l've thought some reactions or denials were more defensive than real, she is a little bit that way especially if her feelings are hurt.

Bc at other times l turn around just in awe of the heart this girl has. lt really was something so so special.

l could fill 5 pages of things she's just did even when often there wasn't any need to but bc of that heart she just did anyway.

like once l said could you get me some beer pls babe - l hurt my ankle couldn't walk 2k and back to the supe down from hers. She was of to get beer but l forgot she didn't know beer and you know what, she carried a whole slab 2k back up hill from the supe. She's not a big person and very petite, she didn't know they had 6packs.

There were things no woman would do but she didn't think twice, lots of them she'd just do. Not things ld ask l wouldn't have asked she'd just do them.

Just thoughts l've been having in trying to make sense or closure of sorts l spose but there's just so many things that made her on ofs just not add up.

This is why l often start realizing things l didn't or did do and just what she actually did do for us, me.

[randomxx]

ln a bit of a low.

Would so love to just see her face again right now. l know , not good letting that stuff creep in and l suppose l do need to figure out wth l want but lt still just doesn't feel real.

Can't believe we've gone this long now tbh actually. And l know that's probably for the best to well, right now anyway. But it's all feeling so strange, void, sinking in.

Can't help but wonder what she's thinking feeling right now about it all.

[CMF]

Hi rx 

Sorry to hear you're feeling low. I know how much it hurts wondering how they're feeling & what they're doing. 

What are you doing this weekend? Much planned? How's the kayak coming along?

Hugs

Cmf