Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[Carus]

Hey Random,

No need to cut it off completely.....unless you actually want to end it and heal....which I suspect you don't just yet.

But you and her are still texting, still talking...so just lay back my friend and give her the space to come to you at her own pace.....Are you able to do that?

In the meantime just focus on other things....

Regards

Carus*

[randomxx]

Hey carus , how you doin ?

Thanks for that v appreciated .

l could say l'm back to just not sure what l want right now. l had been pretty well resigned to it done mainly mainly bc of the ways she'd been but then the distance problem needing to go on longer than we thought now to. But since she called the first time and actually acknowledged her stuff and even skimmed some ideas, that was a really big thing and changed a lot.

l will try to do as your saying ,l do agree think it'd best to atm been trying to keep pretty loose about it buttttt l do feel "us" ,  creeping back in , don't know if that's good or bad.

Hoping if l just don't worry about it, light will come either way from somewhere.

Hope your ok.

rx

[randomxx]

Feeling v confused atm with everything gf.

Missing stuff in sydney and things we do , her, us, talking ,holding, everything. But it all feel strange too.

like it could go either way from here and l don't know whether to reignite things or to move on . luckily l can't just take of right now , l usually can this is one of the rare times l'm better to get back to work for awhile atm so maybe that's a blessing to make me take this time rather than jumping back in. or maybe it's a sign, or the gods, or maybe it's just typical of how life goes when you wanna do something.

l feel all the same stuff coming from her too.l think about her goods our goods and there's a lot and of why this then why don't l just except well l call them in my head the offs, doesn't sound nice they aren't off offs , just things . keep thinking that's what you do if you have everything else between you and love, of course it's not gonna be perfect , we could easily marry and go on forever probably a lot better than many, what more could l want, what else do l bloody expect , why all this crazy rubbish.

[Carus]

Thanks Random. At the moment I'm ok........at the moment lol

Yes by doing what we've discussed here, that changes the dynamic so it's not surprising you feel 'us' creeping back in.....Keep doing it if that's what you want....Let her come and go at her own pace while you focus on bettering and maintaining your life and your health etc.....

A Man must be decisive. A rock. A mountain. Your confusion will only add confusion to the overall situation. This is also why I'm trying to get you to switch your focus for a while....to gain some clarity..... You've been wound up on this for so long now it's gonna take some work to turn it around....

Do you believe this is the only girl in the world for you and there's no others out there that would love to be with you and love you as you are etc....?

My friend is suggesting I do a 40 day juice fast. I'm considering it but it looks pretty full on....!! 😬

[randomxx]

Sounds painful man there's more pleasurable ways to get healthy and clear right. GF loves torturing herself with all that stuff and then she wonders why she's such a mess it cracks me up. Not to say that would be you but you do have a helluva lot on emotionally right now.

But alas, yeah, your right and it's always been one of my "why for then " things.

At first it was her on going legal stuff, very serious shyt , but then that finally finished 3 yrs later but that finishing lead her into a whole new situation, now a new and huge part of just wth to do next.

l have wondered though a few 1000 times. l knew with ex w day we met and l know now ex ok that sounds like well so much for that then, but it wasn't like that. We just lived a very big life but that took it's toll 20yrs later.

But nah my friend it's not really that l feel gf's the only one out there more about the things we have and ways we live, views, everything. She's Portuguese and so between us we just have this thing that in those parts nope,  they've never been nor would be with anyone else but they mean so much to me.

So yeah there'd be someone else, she could have no problems, be gorgeous and probably be comfortably of, be beautiful to talk to and a beautiful partner but it couldn't have these things. We're a strange combo of who she is and who l am.

She doesn't really know about my confusion as such. She does know why l haven't committed though.

Anyway , thanks for that my friend l hope you've been ok. Just the head talking here but the life side has just been doing it's thing and l'm happy to let it to atm.

[randomxx]

Although, l knew it with her to when l saw her from 20mtrs away for the first time and she felt me seeing her turned and smiled.

Thought right there l could marry her,the only other time l've felt that and then we met.

Problem was, from day one her situation was precarious , very and that went on 3 yrs then some more begun.

[randomxx]

Ahhhhh, well, we talked this morng l called her. Not only wanted to just hear her voice and see how she is but also needed some help with a work decision. She's absolutely brilliant with my business knows it all inside out and just has this really black and white way of looking at any problems and decisions she's just so damn good with it.

lt's a one man business you see and no one else knows the ins and outs and intricacies some of the decisions involve except her she's like some human computer with it. Like you just type in the deal she goes click clack and out comes the solution , boom.

Butttt, so apart from finally sorting that one out which l've been wresting with two wks now, we just talked too. So nice, just about stuff and life and what we've been up to and whatevers.

In a way maybe it wasn't such a smart move business or not bc we both got pretty emotional our calls are just , well , there's no one else on this planet l'd rather call except my daughter put it that way.

We messaged a bit later to but l was heading out to so .

Anyway had a great day later down at the beach river, bit of swimming bit of fishing, no kayak today.

Beautiful day but alas , the Gods are pretty cruel or maybe they just like messin with you and women for fun sometimes, honey's all over the place.

But l felt guilty anyway bc earlier gf was wishing she could come too. We miss all that up at hers it's inner sydney hrs from anything like these spots near my place and mountains of insane traffic it's not even worth bothering.

And l wish she she could too , so where the hell does that leave me right now, especially after our call.

But ldk.  When you drop back CM, it kinda feels like a you and m thing it's like we're both still hovering and just waiting until we say to hell with this we aren't letting this go.

But l was set on making up my mind by last Christmas max especially with her Sydney thing now. And to top that of now she's fallen out of love with sydney and missing my place anyway but she can't even leave now anyway, not for another yr or two atm stuff is locked in.

So that means we either go on as was or make a damn decision but time is rolling on all over again now.

And yep l have thought the fact l feel l need to force myself into a decision would normally mean that decision would be forced and wrong then anyway, l probably should be just trusting fate and rolling with it- maybe !!!! 

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx

Yeah...a forced decision is tough. It was I was trying to do last couple of weeks but you just don't know if it's right. I like the go with the flow.  If you didn't have this distance between you would be so much easier even to just be a little more casual but exclusive.  Im glad you got down to the beach again.

Why does life do this to us?

[randomxx]

Hey cm and yeah exactly.

Do you worry about time though in not making a decision ?

l know how fast more yrs will just roll on and stop me either having this life with her or going on to a new life of my own, more yrs of limbo, that's the problem for me.

[randomxx]

Welp , beautiful day over at the lake mouth today. Not the one from the wkend , my other favourite.

D met me over there we kayaked and fished and walked and talked and had lunch and swam, great day great fun.

Not sure if l shoud've sent it but l had a poem come to me about gf yesterday , l did tell her but wasn't intending to show it right now. But of cause opening my mouth in the first place ahhh, dumb move and she wanted it.

l don't think she'll be able to translate it anyway actually butttt, now l've been worried ever since.

lt wasn't a love poem , just a poem about her and who she is.

Anyway, not much else going on atm we have talked a bit but about it.