Partner with depression (ruining perfect relationship)

[Speakforchange]

I have been with my partner for a year, and although all relationships have their ups and downs I can honestly say we have had the greatest year, with love, laughter, great holidays, understanding and support and open communication about everything.

I knew my partner used to speak to someone a few years ago but that is all I knew, I also have gotten professional help once for some life direction at a time where I was a little lost but I was never clinically depressed or anxious. I assumed he meant the same thing. I found out that he was on medication and only came off it 1.5 years ago and was diagnosed mild to moderate depression/anxiety. I was surprised that he had not told me this sooner, the reason I found out was because I had moved into his place and we decided to live together as we basically were already, the only thing that changed was me paying rent and the title of me 'living' there.

One night he would not have sex with me, came home and had taken some drugs which he never does, maybe one since I have known him, plus some other strange behaviours that week.This was upsetting for me, he said something had changed and he felt like the dynamic had changed and he didn't know why or what and of course it upset me, i had not changed, nothing had changed. I initially thought it was me and he just didn't love me anymore but after speaking to friends and putting the pieces together I realised it was his mental health that was struggling which was the reason for his low libido and disconnection. I moved out for a week, gave him space, looked after him, offered him support in anyway he wanted it. I literally have done and read absolutely everything I am even going to a psychologist for myself to talk it out and get supportive coping strategies, but I know at the end of the day if he does not want to get help than I cannot do anything, I ended up moving out which shocked him and killed me.... he has started making slow steps, he has a lot of past hurt that he has never fully dealt with from family issues to never having anyone to support him... the fact we have discussed a future I think that scares him because he thinks it will all go wrong and that he will have to face more family break up and pick up the pieces.. He's struggling to let go and move forward, he says he doesnt want to lose me. I am not sure what else to do??? Not sure how long I can hold on.

[LeeA18]

Those cold messages are hurtful. The 2 worded responses. Like they just don’t care. I don’t know how people do it. If it was a normal break up, I’d move on. But this is with someone that I know has a history of mental health problems and used that as an excuse to leave the relationship.

I have been thinking along the same lines as you. I’ve seen a really awful side of his personality that I don’t like at all. If he came back, he’d need to have sorted his stuff out and then I would entertain the idea. He also needs to understand the hurt I have been through and mistrust. At this point, I don’t think I would take him back. I can’t risk going through this again.

[lost6]

Hi SpeakforChange and LeeA18,

its good to hear from both of you. I’ve been meaning to write on here and see how you’re going.

Similar to you speakforchnage I have my good days and my bad days. Some days I truly can see all the little things that were unhealthy and wrong in the relationship and I think how lucky I was to get out before a house load and marriage etc. we’re involved. There are days though where I miss all the adventures we used to go on, the amazing times we had and his company. Sunday afternoons are pretty lonely, it does give me a lot of time for reflection though on what I need from a relationship.

I ended up talking to someone to try and get some clarity. Maybe it’s my personality, but the confusion of it was consuming me. She was great and told me that it wasn’t mental health that led my ex to treat me this way but just his personality. She told me he was a coward and emotionally unavailable. It was also comforting, but slightly concerning, that she also told me I had dodged a bullet. I have been feeling more empowered since then. I even had a small win and went walking along the track my ex and I used to go on. I guess the small wins for us are pretty strong steps.

I have decided that I won’t ever be in a relationship with my ex again. You’re right that they’re fools to leave us. I have also received the sterile cold messages from my ex. They make me so angry at his emotionless and sociopathic responses. Sometimes I feel like screaming at my phone to get something out of him, but he is so closed off. But it solidified even more that this was someone I wouldn’t spend my life with. My trust is broken and it and be regained.

I hope you’re all having a great day

[LeeA18]

Yeah, I believe a lot of it is their personality. My psych pretty much said the same thing. This was before I told him about what I saw on my ex’s phone. I am the same as you and needed to talk to someone to get clarity. I think it’s inportant to keep going as it can cause damage within you that might not rear its ugly he’d until your next relationship. Best to deal with it all now. That’s probably something that my ex didn’t do. Just swept it all under the carpet in the hope it never returns. Unfortunately it usually does. The psych will also be able to help you with what you want in a future relationship etc. I have found it really helpful.

funny that you say that you just want to scream in your phone. Now that I am blocked, I feel like going to a group that we are both a member of (along with just 1 other mutual friend) and yell and scream at him on there. As I am blocked, he won’t be able to read the messages. I think......might be awkward if that’s not the case hahahahaha.

I find it great to be able to talk to you both. Even if it’s just to do a brain dump. 🙂

[LeeA18]

I am now Day 17 of no contact. I facebook stalked today using another account and my ex changed his relationship status to single. I felt so much relief. For me, kind of felt like another person wasn’t involved in our break up. Doesn’t explain what I saw and I think it will always puzzle me. I feel like that question I always had about there being someone else has been answered and I can move on. It was because of his depression/anxiety. Maybe he blocked me because he was struggling.

puppies.....it is hard to stay positive. Do you work? I found the funniest and happiest person in my workplace and have started talking and laughing with him. I only really started doing that a week ago, and it has truly helped me.

what I write about is, I have a letter going to him where I have put down all my thoughts. How much I loved the way he loved me. How he spiralled and how we should have talked about it. A few questions about some of the things he said to me after our breakup. I’ve been working on it for a couple of months now.

Another thing I have is my journal. When I have somethjng going around in my head, I write it down. When I am angry at him, I write down all the angry words. When I don’t understand something, I write it down. When he hurts me, I write it down. I take it everywhere with me.

[Speakforchange]

Hi Lost6,

I feel like maybe our boyfriends were both sociopaths.... completely and utterly emotionally unavailable and yes cowards... and to be honest I think the fact that I broke up with him really hurt his ego hence the sterile cold message I received. I still haven't replied to it... I just can't reply to it... It was not the person I fell in love with that wrote that... It was so horrible and cold.... I got the last of the rent money today and to be honest the other things I left in the apartment I am not even sure I can be bothered to go get now...

I caught up with a friend last night who is a mutual friend of ours as our bfs are friends and she agreed that everything I did was right and especially for me... but she was like it is always good to consider both sides... she is like I think he is still in a very lost place and has not even realised what he has done and what he has lost, say he comes back in 1 month or 2 months or whenever says he has sorted himself out... like he sounds like he really was the love of your life and apart from this situation you guys had a lot invested and like yeah of course we did, we lived together, if I got pregnant he wanted me to keep it, we were saving for a deposit, we had great holidays, it did all come out of nowhere.... she was like that is a lot to give up if he comes back committed and having dealt with his issues... but i just said i do not know at the moment like i am hurt, there would have to be a lot for me to go back... like I am just not sure it is good enough after all i did and offered... a person should in a relationship feel respected back or be given something just something to be able to stay in it... and i was given nothing at the end of the day and now treated coldly and horribly... it is interesting.... but i guess that is future problems and really our break up is still very raw only 3 weeks since the official split.

Hi Puppies, yes we are definitely all strong but we were in relationships that weren't good for our own health and I think at the end of the day we appreciated and valued our selves to much to stay in a relationship that offered us nothing when we gave everything, when I write I have not been as much but that was through the break up and before it when I found out he had depression, I just put the pieces together tried to make sense of it and how I was feeling as well as reflecting on past things that had happened in the relationship that in hindsight were not healthy.

[Puppies]

Hi LeeA18,

i do the same thing. My diary is basically a massive letter to my partner about when things are both good and bad.

i don’t currently work as my partner and I have been juggling long distance so I’m not in one place all the time. I do make money casually but haven’t recently.

- puppies

[Puppies]

Hey!

My situation is also very similar, unfortunately. As a bit of background, my partner and I have been together (in a long-distance relationship) for over 4 years. I am 22 and he is 24. He deals with depression and anxiety (increasingly getting worse) and I deal with my own anxieties.

I find that I also have to do a lot of waiting and be very patient. It is very difficult for me. I hate the uncertainties that come with his wanting alone time/space. I don’t need space so I don’t really understand what he feels he can accomplish while being away from me.

We are currently going through another tough time that has been dragged out for almost a month. This time is the worst; he tried to hurt himself. I felt alone and upset. I was there. I couldn’t do anything to help or stop.

He says he loves me and does want to be with me as long as we are both happy. Last week he suggested we meet at a hotel and stay the night together to talk things out. He even went so far as to pay for it. We had a lovely time. It was the first time we’d seen each other in a few weeks since everything happened. We were very loving together, lots of hugs and kisses (he initiated a lot), and we spent a long time talking and catching up about what had been happening. We also had sex twice (first time in a month). Prior to meeting up, the three weeks apart were very confusing. One minute he seems fine and says he wants to be with me still and that he’s willing to talk and put everything on the table, and the next minute he says he doesn’t want to do it anymore and that he wants to end it.

I agree that there’s a lot of confusion! How do you all deal with the confusion ? I understand you have decided to part ways with your partner but I’m sure the confusion is still there.

i hope things are getting better for you all

- puppies

[LeeA18]

I don’t think the confusion goes away for a while. Even now I am wondering if they come back. I miss mine every day. He has made it clear that he can’t be in a relationship when he is like this and he needs to sort his life out. His life is a mess.

I really don’t know how to help with the confusion. Don’t react to anything and try not to overthink. Which is sooooo incredibly hard. I did this. Just go with the flow.

[Puppies]

Hi LeeA18,

Yeah I think I agree. Going with the flow is hard though when I do a lot of waiting. I want to know what’s going on but sometimes he needs time to sort himself out after a bad bout of depression and it’s difficult because he distances himself from me too

[lost6]

Hey everyone,

Puppies, I’m so sorry that you’re in this position too. It’s an absolute head mess I agree. It’s been 4 weeks of no contact for me and I am still very confused about the situation but having space apart has very much given me time to reflect on the relationship. My ex walked out on me in a very tough time of my life, if he was my soul mate he wouldn’t have needed 6-12 months for himself. Talking to a mental health professional and trying to understand what makes a person act that way was really helpful to me. It made me realise that love and commitment just isn’t enough for some people to overcome their psychological problems. I keep busy by going to the gym, seeing friends and I work in a challenging sector of health care so my days are pretty full. I think one day I will hopefully make peace with the the confusion. I don’t think I’ll ever get a reason and I can’t wait around for one. I think the problem may be that it also wasn’t the relationship that was the problem, it was them, and that’s why it makes no sense to us. But we have all been hurt and we deserve far better, the reason doesn’t matter on that account.

I’m sorry your friend said that to you SpeakForChange, you were so strong to take a stand for yourself in this scenario. You shouldn’t have to be focusing on the ‘what’ and ‘if he comes back’ because he might not and he may not ever change meaning you’ll be in the same position as before and he can leave just as easily. Keep doing what is right for you, don’t live your life based on what he may never do. Stay strong!

I have also started writing a journal. Mainly for the angry thoughts in my head (that I do wish I could say to him haha) but I keep them in a letter format that I’ll never send.

This weekend we were meant to be going interstate together so it’s been a rough week. We booked the flights 5 days before we broke up..that’s how messed up this situation is.I don’t know how someone can flip their emotions so quickly. Anyway, definitely trying to keep busy this weekend to stay distracted. My friends are coming over for a girls night to keep me company instead. I hope you all have supportive friends?

Keep your chins up ladies, I know we can get through this