Partner with depression (ruining perfect relationship)

Speakforchange · ‎17-09-2018

I have been with my partner for a year, and although all relationships have their ups and downs I can honestly say we have had the greatest year, with love, laughter, great holidays, understanding and support and open communication about everything.

I knew my partner used to speak to someone a few years ago but that is all I knew, I also have gotten professional help once for some life direction at a time where I was a little lost but I was never clinically depressed or anxious. I assumed he meant the same thing. I found out that he was on medication and only came off it 1.5 years ago and was diagnosed mild to moderate depression/anxiety. I was surprised that he had not told me this sooner, the reason I found out was because I had moved into his place and we decided to live together as we basically were already, the only thing that changed was me paying rent and the title of me 'living' there.

One night he would not have sex with me, came home and had taken some drugs which he never does, maybe one since I have known him, plus some other strange behaviours that week.This was upsetting for me, he said something had changed and he felt like the dynamic had changed and he didn't know why or what and of course it upset me, i had not changed, nothing had changed. I initially thought it was me and he just didn't love me anymore but after speaking to friends and putting the pieces together I realised it was his mental health that was struggling which was the reason for his low libido and disconnection. I moved out for a week, gave him space, looked after him, offered him support in anyway he wanted it. I literally have done and read absolutely everything I am even going to a psychologist for myself to talk it out and get supportive coping strategies, but I know at the end of the day if he does not want to get help than I cannot do anything, I ended up moving out which shocked him and killed me.... he has started making slow steps, he has a lot of past hurt that he has never fully dealt with from family issues to never having anyone to support him... the fact we have discussed a future I think that scares him because he thinks it will all go wrong and that he will have to face more family break up and pick up the pieces.. He's struggling to let go and move forward, he says he doesnt want to lose me. I am not sure what else to do??? Not sure how long I can hold on.

Speakforchange · ‎30-09-2018

Yeah random and healthy!!!! I am the same any sex scenes or couples in movies or even in real life at the moment makes me feel sad, it’s definitely normal... as it’s like shoving our loss right in our face. Yes I understand for you Lost 6 such a sudden break up must have been horrible, I don’t know my partner told me because he said he didn’t want it to get to the stage where we broke up but his depression got worse and worse after he had told me to the point where I couldn’t do anything we could go round in circles and talk about it all day, our men don’t want to be depressed there’s a voice inside that wishes they could tell us what we want to hear but the other one with the horrible thoughts is too big and over crowds it... it’s hard coz I’m the younger one he’s 4 years older than me and most of his friends are in long term relationships or married or getting married, maybe it’s alarm bells for me and he’ll never be able to be in a relationship if he doesn’t push past the hurt and trauma from the past and deal with his depression.... so hard but we are all strong resilient women and are doing the best we can. Much love to you ladies

LeeA18 · ‎30-09-2018

I was deleted and blocked on Facebook today. I decided to message him to find out if I had done something wrong and if so, could we talk about it. He replied that it was on advice from his doctor and to distance himself from social media. I asked if it was distancing from me on social media. No response. What a load of shit. He was still posting on Instagram yesterday. So I decided to deactivate my account and give myself time to heal. I just feel like I am being punished. Feel so used as well.

lost6 · ‎30-09-2018

Hi ladies,

I hope you all managed to do something nice for yourself this weekend?

I think you are completely right SpeakForChange that our ex-partners have not worked through things in their past and are now letting them ruin their current relationships. My ex has been married before. He got married young and it was turbulent and didn’t last long. When we broke up he brought up things from that relationship as reasons to why he wouldn’t rationalise or talk to me properly. As bad as this sounds, I guess I am thankful this happened only a year into our relationship and not longer because I think these problems would’ve eventually arisen at some point as they are unresolved in his life. As soon as there was a stressor in his life strong enough (like there is now) the anxiety and need to be alone also came in the past. I just hoped that my love and support would’ve shown our relationship was different, unfortunately that didn’t happen though.

I also completely agree about seeing people in love. The Notebook was on tv tonight and I decided to watch it (rookie error!). I think we need to stick to some comedies and action movies for a while. Seeing real life couples is hard too, I know that’s unfair on them, but it’s a stark reminder of what we used to have. In regards to the random crying, I definitely experience that too. Sometimes I feel it building up out of nowhere and I just have to let it out. I cry often on the way home from work. Sometimes I embrace it and play a sad playlist on Spotify but other days I try and empower myself instead and listen to positive songs-it doesn’t always work but it’s worth a shot. Some mornings are also so tough that I have to force myself to eat breakfast just to try to get a routine. I feel sick and flat.

My resentment is still very strongly there. I find it so unfair that we are trying to build up ourselves again when all we offered was unconditional love. My pride has been hurt severely too, feeling like I wasn’t enough. I have moments though where I do truly believe that all of us deserve the same love and support in return and I really hope we get it one day.

LeeA18, I’m sorry that you have been blocked. That must be incredibly tough. I think in the end it will help you most though as it’s a step for you to take towards empowering yourself.

I hope you’re all finding little strategies that are helping. I agree, it’s nice to write on here with people who understand the situation a bit more.

Lost6

LeeA18 · ‎01-10-2018

It has been hard being blocked from everything as I don’t believe I have done anything wrong. He has done it out of either guilt or he is trying to move on and better himself. It just hurts that he feels like he has to lie to me. I’d rather know the truth. If he is angry, tell me why. This nice to my face and awful behind my back thing doesn’t fly.

I think forced no contact will be a good thing now. I am too angry.

i completely understand your resentment, like you are not good enough. Or that you are not strong enough to handle this. They need support. I hope your men realise this soon enough. The question is, will you want to go back into a relationship with them if you thought this could possibly happen again?

Speakforchange · ‎01-10-2018

Yes probably a good thing to not see each other’s stuff and have a clean break. I too have been having a break from social media and not looking at stuff online. Yes but you need to remember it has nothing to do with you, you are good enough. They in a way are not and are Ill. They are the ones that need help... we just need time to sort through the pain of loving a loved one. You can control all the things you do but not your emotions... so continue to ride the wave and feel it. I have been writing a lot and some days I think he is my forever and other days I think no I deserve more and I also am yes scared that later down the track if we did have kids imagine if it happened then. Ours was a year into the relationship too.... it is so hard to meet good people out there it’s truly sad....

Speakforchange · ‎01-10-2018

Yeah mine had to pick up the pieces of a nasty divorce of his parents and one parent relied heavily financially on him and still does and has put himself in a sticky position which stresses and frustrates him. I resent his mum because I just think how could you ever rely on your children like that it’s just not fair. He has 2 other siblings except one is disabled and the other has some mental health/drug issues so my bf was really the only one holding it all together he doesn’t live in the same city as them but still he knows he will have to pick up the pieces like he already has.... a completely disfunctional family and I feel sorry for him because he has worked so hard. Anyway he needs to face all this stuff and learn how to manage it. He is really scared that stuffs going to go wrong in his own relationship. And he’s never used to someone completely being there for him and being by his side (which i was) so understanding but he pushed me away and sometimes even said perhaps he wasn’t good enough for me.... I don’t know it’s all so hard but either way it will work and we get over the speed hump now or as horrible as it sounds I’ve dodged a bullet and eventually I’ll heal and be able to move on

lost6 · ‎01-10-2018

Interestingly I feel like we've all came to the same realisation at pretty similar time. Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like we have all realised that we miss our ex's a lot, so much that it hurts us that they are no longer in our life, but we have all also realised that we do deserve to be treated better and that we would unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, always have that fear that they could leave at any point. I have moments where I think to myself how bad I want him back in my life, how much I want my old life back and whether he will come back to my life and fight for us. But LeeA18 you made a very good point, would it be a relationship I would want to get back into if this could very easily happen again when the next life stressor rolled around? I truly know its not the relationship I want when I'm being honest with myself. SpeakForChange, multiple people have told me that they think I have dodged a bullet. It's incredibly tough to hear that because I had planned a future with him, but it's also comforting in a twisted way because it confirms our relationship clearly wasn't as healthy as I thought. My motto recently is that he contorted himself to make him perfect for me, he was not actually perfect and I questions how much was even genuine. You're so right about trying to find some good people out there... how is your work trip going? It's a beautiful day where I am today and a public holiday in some states so I hope you're getting outside and keeping busy LeeA18

LeeA18 · ‎01-10-2018

Omg Lost! Yes! I am starting to wonder how genuine it was as well. I tell people the story and they are all as confused as I am. If I am honest with myself, I don’t think I can go back now. I question if I can do a friendship too.

I feel like I have been somewhat manipulated. My head is such a mess.

It’s a beautiful day where I am too. I caught up with a couple of people and they let me rant. And they remind me that none of this is my fault. So we have to remember that. If you ever question your actions or what you did or did not say to him, don’t. We should be able to say and do anything we want in a relationship and not be walking on eggshells to make sure they are always happy, but neglecting how we are feeling.

Speakforchange · ‎01-10-2018

I know! I agree with what you are both saying. I’m in Thailand it’s pretty great, doing some community work. So it is very nice to put things into perspective.

I am still confused, I know none of it is my fault and all my friends are like we support you either way and what will be will be but some others are saying I deserve the best which of course I do... and all of us have done nothing but be selfless through it all.... one of my friends that is very adamant that it’s just wrong actually suffers from some mental health herself and pushed her partner away and eventually let him help not to the extent that our partners pushed us away but she was basically like they have to want to help themselves and not push you away in the process. Everyone is different though and so is every relationship. I know my relationship was very genuine and what’s happened me moving in 3 months ago was a trigger for him... which isn’t right but thank god it happened now and not when we had bought something together or had a kid...

I know it’s bad but I don’t want to feel sorry for myself I just want to be healed and get on with life either with or without him... I’m a person that likes control so this has been so hard for me by breaking up with him that gave me control back over my own life... I’m human I want sex and I want a loving relationship but the thought of being intimate with someone else would feel like cheating and I’m scared how long that feeling will last for... I guess while I’m still in 2 minds about the relationship i won’t be able to move forward. Since I collected the rest of my stuff 2 weeks ago almost we have had 0 contact I think it would have really hit for him and I left my key on the counter. No contact has been good as contact only made me more upset. Although I think I will now wait for him to contact me. And reach out to me...

Speakforchange · ‎16-10-2018

Hi All!

How are we all going?

I have good and bad days but have just had some friends arrive home which has been great as it has kept me busy, distracted and genuinely having fun for the first time in a while. After I broke up with him we had 2 weeks of no communication either side. I got in touch to just check in as obviously I still care for him. It took him a while to reply, and he replied with the most sterile, cold, emotionless, selfish, slightly sociopathic message. It is as if I do not know who even sent me that message. I will say though it was the most clarity I had been given in the past 2 months throughout all of this. It was so cold, it angered me though I actually thought good I can now move to the next stage of grief. I slept on it for a few nights wrote an amazing strong response back but decided against sending it, I think the best response is no response at this point, that will probably burn the most. He is completely delusional I will say though he has gone and got help and is speaking to a psychologist so out of all of it at least I have helped him even if it has resulted in us not being together. I also highly doubt I will be revisiting that relationship again, a lot would need to change but reflecting back on the relationship now I know that it is potentially a blessing in disguise and very much a bullet dodged, I was manipulated at times and undervalued in terms of my emotions being discounted for no reason at all. I learnt from this relationship, it is sad as I could never imagine a life without him but each day is getting easier... and easier.. sort of some days I feel really strong and others not so much. On the weekend I was like I wonder if I still know how to flirt, not ready to move on yet. Just healthy I guess I am thinking about that. Surround yourselves with good people it makes such a difference!

I am waiting for the last bit of rent money he owes me then I will pick up a couple of my last things and I am done.... I can give or say no more.... if he wants to try get me back one day come try your best but I think it is too late... he really is a fool, regardless of the issues he has gone through half of it is a not nice side of his personality shining through and I know now how much better I deserve.

Would love to hear how you are both doing Lost6 and Lee18