Negative thoughts about my Fiancee

[Damien2812]

Hello all

About 2 months ago I feel into negative thought patterns about my fiancee. My thoughts were- Do I want to break up?, Do I want to get married?, and Do I love her? Anyone else fell into this before marriage?

Damien2812

[Quercus]

Hi Damien2812 and welcome to the forums,

My gut reaction in a nutshell... You need to talk to your fiance as soon as possible.

Was I nervous? Yes. Absolutely terrified.

But was I doubting whether I loved him or whether marriage is what I wanted? No.

Marriage is a massive commitment. It isn't easy. Sometimes it is absolutely crap. If you're not sure whether this is the person you want to raise a family with or grow old with then it is time for a serious discussion.

Will she be devestated and hurt and upset... Hell yes.

But you need to decide is better to start out honest and work through this together or to bottle it up now and have to hurt her later if you decide you've made a mistake.

Whatever you decide I wish you well.

Nat

[Tess2]

Hi Damien 2812

you seem to be able to pin point when you started having these thoughts, what else was happening in your life then that may have impacted your thinking? Are there factors in your life history that might scare you about marriage?

quercus has given good advice. You need to address this with your fiancée. And have an open discussion. And be gentle with you both

tess

[Juliet_84]

Hi Damien,

If I had ever decided to get married, I believe that I would be somewhere where you are right now before getting married. The reason is that I have unrealistic expectations of that elusive soulmate, that person out there who is absolute perfection for you, who never makes you angry, never has a cross word for you, never bores you etc etc. but the fact is, that’s not real life. Your partner is, like you, human. And humans are imperfect. And I have a tendency to doubt that and whether that means we’re not meant to be. I once heard a quote that I think is a good test. Your partner is not the person you want to spend Friday night with, it’s the person you want to wake up and spend your Saturday with. I think the most important question you asked was, do you love your girlfriend? Do you see her in your future? What were the reasons that made you want to propose? There may be people out there who are more right for you, but marriage is about choosing to commit to that person every day.

[geoff]

Hi Damien, and welcome to the site.

Sometimes it's not about the person you are going to marry but coming to terms with leaving a life where you could make a decision by yourself, do what you wanted to do, dress how you like and go out at night all by yourself, but once you get engaged and plan for a wedding, then this means that the two of you will need to make a decision, agree or have an argument about what to do.

Can I ask whether these negative thoughts have become an obsession because it could make you feel anxious about your relationship, checking up on your partner, thinking whether you really love her, or does she love you, but perhaps it's not your relationship that is the problem, but these obsessions are giving you trouble, rather than a problem with your relationship.

I maybe going out on a limb here but just wondering whether you have been diagnosed with OCD then I will get back to you.

Geoff.

[Damien2812]

Well my fiancee knows what I'm going through and this started after her auntie didnt go with her promise on letting us stay for the 1st year after marriage in her granny flat. After that my partner decided to start looking for property which I wasnt ready for. So I started to not agree with that at the time. So this all started 1 week when I was stressing about learning something new at work. My stress relaxed before me and my fiancee went for the weekend to her brother in laws place. So what happen there was he told me to sell my car and buy property because I have money still owing the car. He kept ongoing on and on about buying property and my fiancee was agreeing that we should buy property. After that my fiancee told me we will have issues if you cant sort this out. Next day Monday I return to work and the thought I want to break up popped up in my mind and it just stuck and evolved from there..

[Damien2812]

I've been seeing a phycologist and he me tells do I have to know what I have? Just need to learn how to control it. Anyways how do I find out what I disorder I have? I thought Gad but not sure.

[Jigsaw9]

Damien2812

Welcome to the forums and good work on using this site as a means of help. I too have recently joined and find it to be a great means of getting advice. It seems (correct me if i'm wrong) that the underlying issue is finance. This is a common theme among many couples wanting to get married. You should discuss with your fiance your financial situation and how getting into debt will affect your immediate future. Perhaps getting a home loan is something you may wish to explore in the not too distant future. Before that however, you need to seriously ask yourself if her need for a property is what is generating these thoughts of not loving her.

Hope that makes sense and hope it helps. If you need anything we are here for you

[geoff]

Hi Damien, thanks for your reply.

The psychologist should be able to indicate what sort of disorder you have, if not then your GP would be able to tell you, so it's best for you to know so the appropriate treatment can begin.

These thoughts you are having are very strong, so we need to help you through this process.

If your psychologist is unable to tell you then perhaps you need to speak with your doctor who maybe able to refer you to someone else.

Geoff.

[Damien2812]

They are. Its caused me to lose sleep, constant heart palpitations, and some occassional sweat. Been on medication for 6 weeks now. Have some good days and bad days. Bad days generally happen when she is not with me. We have been seeing each other for around 20 months. Everything has been great up until the housing situation changed and yes was too scared to get into that. I've told her numerous occasions that I'm not ready for that but she would say the sooner the better if housing prices are low atm. My family never owed property and her family and her want property so it's been tough and I've already had some out bursts with her and it's been difficult to understand what I'm having atm. I've always had anxiety and from around my late teens got into depression. All I know is my anxiety has come from situations and not out of no where..