My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline,
Thanks for the idea of sending magazines . He was sent a picture of one of his cars he restored.
Thanks for sharing some of your experiences with PTSD and ways of coping with it… lifestyle changes and how you manage it and your commitment to it. It must be hard if you still work in the environment it happened. I glad you have got to the point it doesn’t control you or affect you as often but I have seen how debilitating also from a friend who is an ex detective
I know these last 2 years have seared in our minds a series of experiences we would rather have been with out and are sometimes triggered by watching a police show or driving past a police station or law court or people talk of criminals prison (we have never been able to visit the prison due to COVID and he never replies when we asked ). Nothing like your PTSD or my sons PTSD I am sure , but I understand the concept of triggers, causes and emotions. Opening my door when I was on my own to police wanting to search his room was something only seen in the movies !! Something only shared with a selected few people. I have seen someone to deal with the impact of those and other memories and their triggers and doing well. I too find exercise, food, diet, hobbies, music and sleep helpful.
My son let his PTSD control him and he was resentful and every family event was a reminder of what others had that he didn’t, how he was different and what he didn’t like about himself . Easier to blame us . He felt hurt and betrayed by the lack of support by his employers and would rather send them angry messages (lor be angry with us ) made worse by his “self medication “, than search for ways to help himself or continue with help until he was arrested and on bail . I have mentioned other stuff in previous posts and I don’t want to dwell on this, but rather the fresh start we will have the positive changes there has been and how we
facilitate it. .. continued in next post

nameless 1

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline

No CCO but longer parole with treatment for his mental health and continued support for prevention of drug use as set by the court, and regular testing. Psychologists , like for you, didn’t seem to help before but only reminded him of past events and talking only brought them back to relive. Was that the same for you? He did like the forensic psychologist he spoke to in prison. It will interesting, now he is clearer and sees the need to improving himself.
I do worry that he might not have thought about some things for a while that might trigger a reaction, so it is good to hear you get them talking about future plans and communicating. I heard from one mum that her son said he hears many prisoners crying at night.
Do they have regular prison officers that they get to know or do the prison officers move around different areas. Do you some much time talking and are they happy to talk about their lives? I hope that he has spoken about what has gone on before prison, and had a chance to see how he can change his reactions to it.
More calls are helpful in us reconnecting. At the moment he is asking for recipes and describes his work and the things he does and other day to day stuff he didn’t talk about before . I still take care what to ask and tell him and hope he asks more when he is ready so he can ease back into the outside world. Overall he is sounding positive and keen to know when parole is.

Thanks again for writing.
Nameless 1

[Guest_7403]

Heya!! That's good news about parole....hopefully it comes through sooner rather than later.

To be honest I don't ask much at all about their personal lives. It's more observational stuff I/we do....can see if their on the phone alot, can see if they get regular visits etc.

They don't typically share information about their personal lives with officers. It is frowned upon by other prisoners to see an inmate talking to an officer on a personal level.

For the most part they'll come to me if they're having an issue....such as DHS visits, issues with phone numbers etc.

A good officer knows their case load prisoners.....they know their court dates, know their release date, know their temperament and how to approach them on certain subjects etc

Jails like to keep regular staff in units, so yes is the answer to that question. Prisoners get to know staff very well....they learn our routine...when we're on, what weekend we're off, who they can approach for help on certain things etc....they're very good at working out which officer does what best.

It's a hard answer for psychologists, because every individual has a unique experience and response to how they receive treatment. The problem with ptsd is that it is very complex and treatment styles vary considerably as their is no one type of therapy to treat it.

As ptsd is an form of extreme anxiety most therapies are around treating the physical side of it....hence medications for anxiety, or mindfulness techniques to relieve anxiety and stress....but they don't really address the underlying cause of the ptsd....and personally I feel treatments only look at symptoms....not what caused it.

Its a very individualised illness ptsd....theirs no one size fits all approach to treatment. Follow the professional practioners advice is all i can say really.

hope that helps

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal22
Thanks for you encouragement through all this. I have appreciated the support.
I know anxiety is normal as you said however many of our support people haven’t been around the last month or so and we are missing that. We realise how important they have been to us this last year or so.

Our counsellor went overseas for month for his mother’s funeral, another friend has family issues needing her to care for a mother going through broken relationship, a Covid scare and a brother who’s ex girlfriend had a baby and now has full custody. The other two also have children with mental health issues that have flared up in Covid and so not so easy to catch up. Of course when we all can, be are supportive of each other.

However, only these few know about our son being in prison as he didn’t want us to tell anyone. We however needed to tell the right people for our own mental health and guidance.

Our son had withdrawn from family and friends already and they all presume he is away and just needing his own space.
We just say the basic “has work, keeps busy, goes to the gym, … he’s an adult now… contacts us when he wants to….lives in the country.. Covid etc Little do they realise….. Not a lie, but still hard knowing I am having to hide the truth. At least my husband and I have each other and can pray.

Anyway, thanks for listening.
Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline

Thanks for replying
It is interesting to hear your side of a day in a prison from a prison officer.

Yes I understand the need for distance to be kept from both sides. He has only mentioned with no other comments or opinions or details obviously, the very general role of the prison officer or “screws” (I guess that is the prison slang) …in the wake ups, check ins, advice and help giving, help and general banter about the day.

It took a long time fir him to be able to tell us about the routine of the day and meals and courses and work and processes. I did look up stuff myself but there is not much information understandably. When he seemed in a better place we would listen and ask questions based on what came from the conversation so we learnt a bit more of what the place and rooms and areas were like and about getting hair cut or seeing the optometrist and dentist etc, what he buys etc, what they eat, activities he does. Now he is a lot more relaxed it is easier to talk and he even rings us back again the same day. He has stayed healthy he said, so that is good. Our only experience of prison is from TV shows and I am sure that is not accurate and probably makes you cringe. It’s hard having any in depth conversations.
Another question: he talks of friends he has made… do they usually want to reconnect after prison and is it recommended? I can see the reason not to of course , but I can also see that when prisoners come out particularly when still on parole they might drawn to people find who have gone through the same experience easier than answer the questions of other friends who have no idea of his experience. I presume the parole officer will talk through these issues . There might be friends who once they find out he has been in prison may not want to be around him anymore though I suspect he had pushed a lot of those long term friends away and he has made friends that weren’t a good influence. As he lived a way from home for a year and always went out when he moved back home and was an adult , we didn’t know his friends except one or two. We have told no one where he is.
Thanks again for insight into the different things I have asked.

Nameless1

[Guest_7403]

Your questions a good one.....and as the saying goes "they come to jail and leave better criminals". Unfortunately they create networks in prison, find more access to drugs and money etc.

Prisoners will tell him to call such and such when they get out, if they call this guy he'll give them X to make Y....etc.....before you know it re-arrested on trafficking charges, possession etc, and each time the sentencing gets longer and so on.

If he/ or anyone is serious about changing their life, they need to cut ties with anyone who is not above board.

Everyday I see them return, same people, same charges, same excuses....the revolving doors or prisons.

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline

I agree he needs a total separation. My biggest fear is reconnecting with those above board, not because he will want to , as I believe he really wants a fresh start , but because of pressure by others and because can’t fit back in to a new life or can’t get work to occupy him. That’s why the magistrate gave him parole … to help with transition he said I have read stories and articles . I have read from another post about the heartbreak of having family coming our being positive but ten reoffending, returning to prison coming out only to reoffend again. We don’t want that and nor does he . I know he doesn’t want to go through this again
That is high on my list of how we support him. I too think it is VERY important to cut ties from those not above board … to avoid any temptations.
I am fearful that though he wants a clean start that when people find he is out someone will contact him… people that he knew before eg and put pressure on him , others who may not be happy with him for getting caught may contact him.
I hope he can become the young man he was … who hated doing the wrong thing and was a caring and loyal friend and can get the right job where he can help people as he wanted to do.
. Any other advice you wish to give is welcome.!!
He finished a programme to find out about help available after release and is trying to do a few more before he is released

Many thanks

Nameless 1

[Petal22]

Hi Nameless1,

I understand it would be difficult not to have your support network and I also understand how it feels knowing you are telling a lie to people in regards to your son.

But you have told the people you felt that needed to know for you own mental health and guidance and that’s ok… not every one needs to know as per the wishes of your son which you have respected.

I hope when your son is released he will want to live a positive way forward, he is on parole so any offence will land him back in jail which I’m sure he is well aware of and doesn’t want this to happen.

I guess it can be hard on the outside for prisoners when they are released because they have all of those influences around them again but if he can keep clean he has more of a chance to keep a straight head so he won’t re offended.

I hope your son has a renewed mindset and that he wants to live a clean life but that’s totally up to your son.

I understand that his mental health may have him wanting to self medicate so he can have some relief but I hope that he can find relief in new positive ways…..

Yes yourself and your husband can always pray 🙏

I wish you and your family the very best for a positive future together ❤️

I’m always here to chat to you

[Guest_7403]

Have personal visits started at the jail housing him yet? It might be nice for him to see and hug his mum.

Do you transfer money into his prison account? If you can afford it I'm sure he'd appreciate it....maybe tell him you'll give him some money for special spends to buy some protein to help with his training....or to buy headphones or something.....little things like that make such a difference for them.

Maybe remind him you'll be there to pick him up on his release day etc....little things that might remove some stress etc

I hope you are well

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal 22 and borderline

My son rang to let us know that he received a letter saying the parole application has progressed and various reports are being considered. How long depends on how busy the board are and if they need more information. So it is progressing at least.
Conversation otherwise stayed around his work and daily routine and finding out what my husband and I had been doing . We are happy to be finally talking more no matter the topic but he was excited about his work so happy to listen and encourage .
He has said he wants to prove to everyone he can make a change. He had told us not to tell friends and family where he was, as he wants to explain himself. Having stopped attending family events and not being around and struggling with his issues our explanations seemed to satisfy inquiries or were to polite to comment or ask more. That discussion is still high on the list of things I worry about… how the family will react to him a d to us for not discussing it with them but that is up to him to manage his way. They are all pretty forgiving and accepting fortunately.

Thanks for ongoing support

Nameless1