My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Nameless1]

Hi Leth

nust wondering how all is goi f with your brother and yourself?
just reading back over the thread.

I am grateful to Borderline too deo his comments and advice especially as my son is now out on parole ans we are hearing the stories about prison life… good and bad and funny and sad .
hioe to hear back soon

Nameless1

[Guest_7403]

I truly hope he's learnt a life lesson by coming here, its not a place to waste your life away.

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline.
He said he was told by those who had been in and out, the regrets of wasting their lives and was told to change his life so he doesn’t come back. …Men in their fifties who had been in and out all their lives. One man in his 70’s in for life.

He saw what anger can do and lead to.

He told us similar things to what you said.

He felt the difference being away from what led him there and the hold it had on him and over him.
He sees what he gave up and regrets it.
He is showing independence, better problem solving, team work, self discipline and order and respect.
It’s sad it took him going to prison to learn it, but know he uses this for his advantage.

As one who was always busy, he experienced the boredom, which is why liked his job as it meant he could keep as busy as he wanted.
We will never know all that went through, the untold stories, his experiences etc as he dealt with the last few years.

He has learnt some important lessons and I hope he remembers them and that what he says and tells us matches up with his actions in the future…
and now it’s up to him with our support.
He is now started reconnecting with siblings, and a young nephew. Not sure about friends now he has a phone,( which he didn’t miss), but he doesn’t want to go out anywhere yet, not even in his car.

One thing though, He loved his work there so I hope he finds work soon that he loves just as much.
We listen, we talk, we watch, we encourage, we support.at
Littel steps every day.

thanks again for helping me through this far .
I will keep checking g in to encourage others and to get support as I need it

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi all,

Thinking of everyone in their different situations and send good wishes and and blessings for the week ahead.
These times can trigger reactions and reactions from everyone including ourselves . I know I do that and my Counsellor has worked in that and I’m trying to stay positive so that I am not the one to spoil the day by anticipating the worst in others from past years, and then those things don’t happen because the people have matured and learnt and understand . . ..I don’t want it to be that they have changed but I am the one who isn’t moving forward.
Keeping things simple and easy and relaxing. Changing things to be stress free and flexible.
The year has been demanding and I am tired. Navigating the new path is full of lots of positives but still exhausting. Focusing on the message of the season .. love joy and peace … and healing . Thanks for the support from everyone
Nameless 1
Lokk forward to hearing from you all.

[Petal22]

Hi Nameless 1,

Thank you, I wish you all the very best for this week 😊

I understand, just remember we can’t control what is happening around us but we can always control our reactions towards it. ❤️🙏

I really hope that things are going well with your son, it must be nice to have him home for Christmas.

If things get tough between relationships I always tend to try to choose understanding……. every one is on different levels and you can only do your best for yourself and your family.

Have a wonderful Christmas 🤶🏻 🎄

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal22 and all
After a few very anxious weeks leading up to Christmas Day, Christmas day went well thankfully for us all and things were calm and peaceful for the first time for a few years . He won’t talk about his Christmas in prison last year. Although inwardly nervous , he outwardly made an effort and seemed to enjoy the family time … only 8 of us, and it was close family. His young nephew was a real ice breaker!! Since coming home, making food is his safe place, learnt from the cottages he lived in for 4 months, so he did most of the cooking.
As the day progressed I relaxed more but it was still hard to completely relax wondering how he would be the next day. Again, no obvious outward signs, apart from being pretty tired as it has been fairly emotionally draining readjusting. More challenges still to come . He has started projects to do with his cars he was doing up so has plenty to do and keep busy rather than sit around too much.
We just take one day at a time as he reconnects with family. He doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to rush out seeing people, bit I know he has been checking up on Instagram and Facebook on what people are up to. He is focussing on getting into his own new new routine after 18 months of fitting into the prison’s routine. He has learnt many new disciplines he is sticking to though. He doesn’t share any of his deeper thoughts and feelings really so it is hard to really gauge how he is feeling. I’m not sure how much I should ask . He sees the parole officer but don’t ever push for him to tell us anything unless he wants to but I think he has goals for each week and things to achieve. Talks about the safe topics mainly, but happy he comes to talk about anything really and joins in when family is over. That is a huge step on its own!!

Thinking of you all , all the time and look forward to hearing from from you

[Evie15]

Hello Nameless1,

Wow!!! I’m so happy for you and your family. Such great news to hear about your son.

My family and I were luckily able to visit him the week before Christmas and it was so nice. The guards allowed for us to see him for almost two hours which we were so so grateful for. My Mum and I held his hand for the whole visit (we couldn’t believe how big his hands were and how much taller he had grown in the last six months!) The first Christmas without my little brother was tough. He called us three times that day, and I could tell he was feeling really down. His girlfriend told us he started to break down crying when he was on the phone to her as the announcement for their 3pm lockdown was announced over the PA. It broke my heart hearing that.

I’m so glad to hear that your son is doing well out of prison. It gives me hope that my brother will do the same! Your son’s experiences sounds very similar to my brother’s. I remember him saying that he knew a young guy in his “pod”…so I wouldn’t be surprised if it was your son? The older men also look out for my brother because they know he is the youngest of all of them. And he has also put on some healthy weight, which we are also pleased about because he was also very skinny and underweight. Mum and Dad have also been sending him singlets, shirts, sock and undies…he really appreciates it and looks forward to receiving his gifts.

I look forward to hearing his voice and talking to him. I spoke to him yesterday and I couldn’t believe how mature he sounded and how excited he was to talk to me. Visitations have been cancelled again because of the number of cases in Victoria so i’m not sure how long it will be until we get to visit him…fingers crossed that it won’t be for too long!!

Thank you so much for checking up on me Nameless1. Especially around this time of year. I really appreciate it 💛

I hope you enjoy the rest of your holidays. Sending you and your family love and light.

[Petal22]

Hi Nameless1,

Thats great Christmas Day went well for you all!

Im glad your son also enjoyed his Christmas with family.

Its also great that he’s taken up cooking…he must enjoy it.

I’m so glad that you’re son is doing well and that you are all back together 😊

It sounds like your son has had some personal growth while he was in prison.

Keep enjoying your time together I’m sure there will be good times to come 😊

[Nameless1]

Hi Evie15

Lovely to hear from you !!
Last we heard from you, you were waiting for the sentencing which was to be in another 3 weeks
What was his sentence in the end?
I’m so glad you got to visit him.
We never got to have even one visit in person at all in the 15 months due to Covid and being in a regional prison .
One things my son wishes now is that he was more in contact with people and in letting people know where he was. However at the time he was focussed on being okay and surviving there. It’s not always easy but it certainly matured him and you can aliready hear it in your brother . As he settles into a routine he your brother will

become more aware of other peoples lives and crimes and cultures and the need to look out for each other. Borderlines information and advice was spot on.
Hearing each other’s stories as they got to know one another, made him think and realise a lot of things. They have a lot of time to think .. too much if they don’t stay as busy as possible.

A huge change was not having a phone and social media

Had you visited the prison before?
We hadn’t till we picked our son up. I had googled the prison so I could see what it was like and know the areas he talked about.
He was very glad he did a skill and worked. He said last night it was like therapy. Gym too. He put on weight with regular meals and buying from the canteen … so the money is important. Then in the cottages the working in groups as borderline said was really good for him … structure and routine in the house which he has stuck too.. a positive thing. If he shows respect to the older guys and is polite to everyone, careful what is said, does what he is told by the prison guards and goes out of his way to help someone out , then life will be better. If you stayed out of trouble with the officers you get more freedoms gradually, I guess like earning rewards

My son did things like helped out people who didn’t have good English, or helped cook in the open areas, mend things in the art room, and you always passed on things to other prisoners to use especially when you left.
Working gave him a place to go and some things to plan . H

Je bought paddle pop sticks and made things.
I am not surprised there is lockdown again. Sometimes within the prison there was lockdown fir a few days which was hard. When he got to the the cottages at least they still has the whole house and could see three other people, not just the cells .
Write soon

Nameles1

[Nameless1]

Hi Evie 15

i hope everything is going okay with your brother. It is good that you were able to see him when you posted at the beginning of January and that he was speaking with his girlfriend. I hope they can make their relationship work. My sons girlfriend has been a wonderful even when he didn’t communicate much whilst in prison. We saw a lot of her and supported one another .

Have you seen your brother again?
Prison is a life changer but if he can find a place to work snd an interest and stays clear of trouble he will be okay, and will get more freedoms, like better accommodation with the chance to cook for themselves and be more independant which is good for self esteem.

If he makes an effort to look out for those around him then they will look out for him.

Hopefully he will realise prison is a boring place and he needs to fill his time with activities and courses to keep his mind active. Hid he does get a good job and learn a skill it won’t seem like wasted time and they earn some money.

How are you managing with it all now?
I think often of everyone who writes and wonder how they are going, Things are pretty good here, but we are always watchful to see he is going okay even though he doesn’t say much about how he is feeling. He is such a different, better person in many ways, and realises how good life really was before he went off track . I hope your brother learns that too.
Always here,

Nameless1