My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline

Thanks for the replies .

Sadly no visits yet. He rings a lot and chats to both myself and his dad.

We have sent the maximum amount of money we can every month and he has bought things and done special orders… watch, shaver, windcheater runners, good. He has a lot of phone money saved up as he didn’t ring often before but we help sending money for that.
what happens if family don’t support them with extra money? Is there anyway division between prisoners over that?

We sent undies, socks, and tshirts when we were allowed then that stopped and then wasn’t encouraged unless really necessary.

Yes we do need to let him know we are happy to pick him up if he would like to be picked up (or they do provide transport If he prefers ).

I mentioned in another post about a gone. He is about to fill out his application to call in his warrant. He tried to before but it was too soon. We know his fine is now just past the date due on his final demand so should be at the warrant stage by now surely but have received no further mail. We haven’t had anyone coming here demanding payment either thankfully!!! We did ring Fines Vic time served programme as you suggested and got further advice and information which was helpful.

I hope your days haven’t been too stressful with COVID lock-ins like at some prisons .
Nameless 1

[Petal22]

Hi Nameless1,

Thats great news that your sons parole application has progressed.

I think it’s great that your son is sounding excited about his work.

I understand that you’re son wants to explain to people himself and I think that’s understandable I hope when he does open up to people they can react to him with an open positive mind.

Your son sounds like he has a stronger mindset which is really positive ……

I wish you all the very best

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal22

Thanks for the reply
He said he feels a bit more mature as he is one of the youngest he said so has had to connect with people a bit older than himself, and has had to change the way he thinks about doing things.

Now lockdown has ended the protective bubble around myself and my husband is going. More questions and queries about our son and some excuses we can’t use any more. More news about other friends sons and getting married and their new jobs snd successes. It was a bit hard to hear about these things yesterday and felt a bit sad. I thought about opportunities he is missing out on
Bit…Actually I love the work our son is doing and I am pleased it allows him to develop a skill had done little bit before.. I am really proud of what he has learnt through it as well. He spent quite a a while telling us all that was involved .

[Guest_7403]

Heya, no they can only earn money working in the prison industries, its about $27-$35 a week.

They are not technically allowed to share or divide their canteen, but it is not something that is enforced within the prison.

But $140 extra plus his prison wage is plenty for them to live on. They're supplied 3 meals a day regardless.

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline

Thanks for the info .
Are you able to say how much notice a prisoner gets about when they will be on parole. The parole officer who interviewed us about accomodation said between 1 week and up to a months notice. Things are progressing he was told but depended on how many before him and if they require extra information . My husband and I want to visit family interstate before he comes home m, that I haven’t seen in 2 years. My mum passed away and we couldn’t go even when she was sick or for the funeral due to lockdown which was hard …but then she died at the time of our son’s arrest snd going into remand so it would have been hard explaining why we couldn’t go. !!!
Thanks for your help again

Nsmekess1

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline.
Parole granted!! Home soon.
Next part of the journey begins!!
He rang and talked about how he was feeling and some plans and wanted us to tell family so they had time to process it. That made a few things easier. Timing will be interesting as a sister from interstate had organised to stay for a few days shortly after he gets home and we were having his brother and sister and nephew over as well.

we had mentioned this to him and he sounded okay. I think he has made some gifts for us all .,, he seemed proud of. .. very excited to see them

A few outstanding things to deal with He hasn’t been able to call in his fine as vic roads dragged out the process so much it hadn’t reached warrant stage yet like it was meant to and he spoke to ATC and was waiting to hear. Not sure if it still can be done on parole .

I haven’t heard conditions of parole yet but I presume he will know by know and have a letter about that.

We have a bit of a drive home after we pick him up so not sure what to expect . quietness, talking or questions.
Into the unknown!!
Nameless 1

[Petal22]

Hi Nameless1,

Thats fantastic! Enjoy your time with your son….

I really hope that your family can be positive towards your son and let the past stay in the past……. He’s done his time.

All the best for yourself and your husband you are both great supportive parents.

Im always here if you ever to chat.

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal22,

I will still be checking in very regularly . He is still serving a sentence and has requirements to fulfil hopefully willingly and productively.
The family is very supportive as are the few friends he asked me to contact. His brother offered to come over and help sort out car parts and our garage that had been left in a mess when our son was arrested. He wanted room for his gym equipment as he has been going to the gym everyday.

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline and everyone

Well he is home!! On parole till next year.

Newroutines now. Twice a week to the parole officer, and to urine tests.
Talk has been filled with stories. Probably only some of the bad, more in the early stages after his arrest, and some good thing he did and made and learnt, and stories of prisoners and “screws”, food etc.

He wasn’t sick once, and learnt how to adapt his food with canteen food.
He has out on weight and muscle . That helped he said to look less vulnerable and frail. He was very thin going in. Also in the different accomodation it allowed him to cook with a group with a few experienced cooks so has been cooking many of our meals… exceptional !! …and or cleaning up . Likes it neat… good improvements!! He used his time wisely and learnt many new skills… however
long evenings a meant he Watched lots of TV bit that seemed to include lots of documentaries that was good.

He even saw how they made homemade yoghurt … not allowed apparently. Learnt some patience and understanding and the importance of respect and the need for it and benefits. He has heard stories of what happens when anger gets our of control and you kill or hurt someone.

Many people, many different walks of life and ages and nationalities. How to get on. Stuff was left to him as people moved on and he left stuff to others before he left.

Lots of hugs to us and grateful for the money we sent and emails even though he didn’t say at the time.
Buying protein shakes and magazines and extra things was important as you said.
He kept busy but prison was boring and wouldn’t want to go back… I’m very thankful for that!!
He seems to have a very good mindset. He is punctual to meetings.
Meeting family was hard and his weekend home was the same as a return visit from his sister who had flown down who we hadn’t seen for a long time. He didn’t speak to any of them… too much to soon and we didn’t push and he apologised and explained to us, though he did give his sister a brief hug when she thanked him for an amazing gift he and made .

He feels different and found it weird being home, but each day gets easier. He has his new skills and valuable experiences in life..He has learnt resilience and learnt how to survive in a difficult situation.

I will never know all he went through or his ongoing thoughts ..or see into the future , but for now he is off to a good start, staying positive,rebuilding broken relationships.

Many thanks.

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi Evie15

just wondering how you have been going? I hope you can update us as I think of everyone and worry and hope all is ok

Nameless1 1

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