Memories of Mum Taking Me to Cheat on my Dad

[Sad_childhood]

Hi All,

When I was around 10 years old, I have a strong memory of my mum taking me and my brother to another mans house. She told me to take care of my brother in this guys lounge room, while she went into another room with him.

I later found out that my mum was cheating on my Dad with him.

My aunty asked what we did on the weekend and I told her the truth but it was innocently. I had no idea what my mum did at the time.

From then on, mum blamed me for destroying the family and we have had an extremely strained relationship. She is also a narcissist and completely broke down when I came out as lesbian when 14. My mum, stepmum and stepdad (different man again) both destroyed my self-confidence, self-worth and any type of happiness I had.

I had no childhood because they were all caught up in their own lives.

I have anxiety, depression and maybe some PTSD and ADHD.

How do I deal with this ? Seeing a psychologist every 2 months (due to availability) is pointless to me because I have so much to work through.

Please help, I want to feel confident and happy for once in my life.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Gee, sounds like you didnt have much chance for a happy life, let's see if it can be turned around. 

I too had a narcissistic mother that I stopped seeing 12 years ago. I'm 66yo and she 91. It was the best thing I've ever done in terms of moving on to more loving and caring people. I even have another lady as a mother figure. That decision is yours however but it is worrying to read that she blamed you for her indiscretion. 

Some older people particularly parents have this future set out for their children. It really is a set of expectations and some ownership of their children instead of allowing them to be and become- themselves, whatever that might be in terms of sexuality, career etc. In extreme cases this can be a mental illness in itself but sadly most of those sufferers wont get help and in the end as in my case, people flee from them.

This forum is not a replacement for professional mental health treatment but can help fill a gap in between appointments to seek support and general advice on life issues and coping strategies. 

Self confidence needs a few things to improve it.

• Positive thinking
• self motivation
• tough decisions
• A belief you can change your world
• Research/reading

I wont flood you with reading but the following are threads that can give you some idea of what I'm talking about. Just read the first post of each and see what you think

TonyWK

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/ptsd-and-trauma/abusive-parents-and-their-effect-on-us-their-chi...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/control-your-life/m-p/296117/highlight/true#M28351

[Fiatlux]

Hi,

Sounds like my mum…

I will reply to you tomorrow.

Take care 🙏🏼

[tranzcrybe]

While you may have been the instigator in bringing mother's indiscretion to the fore, it does not therefore extend to you being the perpetrator - that rests entirely with the source.
Notwithstanding, the inference of guilt sticks to you like glue and if mother is as you describe, then this will also suit her preferences by shifting the blame away from herself.
If possible, love your mother for all her faults and to avoid potentially following in her footsteps (i.e. harbouring negative feelings and blaming her/others for how you feel). Releasing such thoughts may help you clear the territory she currently holds in your mind - that which you could better utilise to pursue more forward-looking prospects.

Without guilt or recriminations, you may one day be able to have the conversation which rekindles the relationship if you so desire.

[Fiatlux]

Hi Sad

I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

I was in my teens when I discovered my mother’s affair with a married family friend. I confronted her about it and she denied it, called me a liar and threatened me if I told my dad. My parents stayed married.

My mother is a text book narcissist and I severed ties with her after my father passed away in 2011.

I know that my parents had an awful marriage. There was no love between them, there was abuse and even violence when we were younger, but that was no excuse for what my mother did at that time. 

I have always had a zero tolerance to this sort of betrayal. Unfortunately for me, my husband turned out to be an abusive serial cheater and yet we are still married 35 years on. It’s an awful place to be in.

You are in no way to blame for your mother’s behavior or that of other adults in your life.

I am glad to hear that you are seeing someone. Talking to someone does help. When I told my older sister about our Mother's cheating, my sister laughed and joked about it. She even teased our Mother about 'her boyfriend'. No-one in my family took it seriously, except me.

My mother tried to explain things to me after my father passed away, but honestly this did not bring us any closer nor did it bring me any comfort. I followed in her footsteps and stayed in an awful marriage.

You can break that cycle. Take care of yourself first and foremost.