Im Bad At break Ups and hurt people I care about

[Lolue]

Hi Everyone,

I am bad at break ups and end up hurting people I care about 😞 I struggle to let go and end up messaging my ex when they want to be left alone.

My most recent relationship ended 9 months ago I went a month of no contact and then message my ex on my birthday cause I missed them. (I didnt know this at the time but I made them feel super uncomfortable, which I feel really bad about)

A month later I messaged my ex If his offer to be friends was still available, they said yes but wanted to wait another month. I waited another month and messaged again if they were ready but they needed another month.

whilst waiting for the next month I messaged them saying my anxious attachment was starting to get bad and the waiting around and could we discuss what a friendship would look like and what are  boundaries would be.

I misinterpreted there meaning of "All good for it" in their message as we were in all good but on reflection their meaning was all good for it was a no.

late in October I tried to talk friendly with them but definitely came on too strong and they were being politely with me before saying why wasnt I getting it.

I stopped messaging them. recently this month I got a scam message that looked real and for a booking for them. they were polite and checked their accounts and confirmed they werent hacked.

I should have left it at this but a week later, during the day I messaged them How are you. They replied with saying they were not interested in talking to me.

I sent an angry message saying that I thought they owed me an apology for saying they wanted to stay friends and not put the effort in and and how they went about the break up (i was upset about being broken up with at an end of a treatment for a physical issue that was affecting our relationship.

I asked my ex to block me which Im really glad they did as I think being blocked will help me.

I feel absolutely horrible and regretful for my words and actions and my sister has given me some stern words today. And that I dont come accross how I think I do, instead of coming accross as wanting talk things out or fix things I come accross as confrontational. And that I end up hurting the people I care about and that I need help.

Im hoping by writing this out it will help me when I go to speak to psychologist as I havent stopped crying since I sent me ex the message.

Im hoping if anyone can share resources, tips, books on how to stop being a bad person, to stop hurting people and to let go that I can use.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

How honourable of you to be so honest in your post and self reflect upon what you have insight on- your attachment issues. Having insight is one of the most wonderful assets you can have.

The situation you mention with the difficulties you have of letting go or not being able to abide by others boundaries is not uncommon particularly with those suffering anxiety disorders. Up till my mid 40's I did have this and overcame it (there is a link below). It took a long time and now I have other ideas on how to help.

Clearly this situation exposes your trauma you feel that is way over what is commonly experienced eg your recent relationship where they were less "clingy". You are more emotionally committed and this is difficult for others to comprehend. Therefore there is work to be done to curtail those emotions but not to a degree whereby you lose a very important part of your character- love and care. Let me explain.

When I was attached to a lady decades ago (I'm 67) I was so emotionally attached and in love that life without her was almost non negotiable. That led to uncontrollable actions not unlike yourself. But I also had deep love and commitment to caring for that person. This developed into issues when that love and care wasnt enough to keep us from separating.  So how do you keep the capacity to love yet abide by others limits?.

Commonly or normally, people have other parts of their life that fill their time. Sport, hobbies, interests and other friends. If you are like you are then you might not have enough of those activities to fill your time. Hence, you'll dwell and that leads to breaking the request they made.

Anxiety is a big problem, a serious illness.  A visit to the GP and subsequent treatment will help enormously but you are already going to visit a psych so I applaud you again. You are not a "bad person" you might be on the rim of behaviour that your anxiety dictates and that leads to your heart ruling your head when it should be the reverse.

I can assure you that your empathy for others is outstanding and your positive qualities are rare, so try not to be so hard on yourself. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790 

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[Lolue]

Thank you very much for your kind words.

It definitely is a continuous learning path. I had  bad break up from a relationship 6 years ago where I was a lot more clinger and was a lot worse. I spent a year in therapy Im really disappointed with myself for falling back into behaviors led by my anxiety and attachment issues.

I definitely once I do connect with someone and fall in love go all in so I need to work on not coming on too strong and at the same time not lose my love and care.

Thank you for the links.

[WisdomWhisperer]

Hey Lolue,

I really want to acknowledge your openness and honesty in sharing such a personal and challenging situation. It's clear you're going through a tough time, and it takes a lot to reflect on your actions and express your regret.

Breakups can be incredibly difficult, and it seems like you're grappling with not just the end of the relationship but also your own reactions and behaviors afterward. It's commendable that you're considering seeking help from a psychologist; that step alone speaks volumes about your commitment to personal growth.

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling regretful about your recent interactions with your ex. It's never easy navigating these emotions, especially when things get complicated. I hope you find the support you need through therapy, as professionals can offer valuable insights and guidance tailored to your specific situation.

As for resources, the books you mentioned sound like they could be beneficial. I'd also recommend looking into local support groups or online communities where individuals share similar experiences. Sometimes hearing others' stories can provide a sense of perspective and solidarity.

Remember, it's okay not to have all the answers right now. Personal growth is a journey, and the fact that you're seeking help and looking for resources is a significant step forward. Be patient with yourself, and I hope you find the support and tools you need to navigate through this challenging time.