My past trauma has been triggered badly tonight

[Bee1998]

my partner and I were having such a happy and amazing night together tonight, until he put a movie on about porn. 
Before he put it on, I didn’t feel like watching that movie tonight, because I wanted a break from sexualised things (they are triggering for me). He completely disregarded what I said and put it on anyway. 
 

After about 15 mins into the movie, the porn sex scenes came on, and a waited a few moments before walking away in spite of my partner trying to make me stay. I went straight to the bathroom and slammed the door. 
 

I could hear through the bathroom door that my partner was still watching the sex scenes and it was extremely distressing for me. So I walked back to the lounge room and asked my partner if we could watch a different movie, and explained that this movie was traumatising for me and also making me feel extremely uncomfortable and distressed. 
My partner’s responses were, “Well, I’m enjoying it.” “I want to watch it.” He also laughed when I told him I felt uncomfortable. This triggered me, and I ended up throwing the remote at the wall, smashing it to pieces 😞

I stormed to the bedroom and in my distress without thinking I started punching things in the room. I felt all of my traumas creep back into my all at once, and was being laughed at as well, and so misunderstood. My feelings were being invalidated and ignored. I felt so helpless in this situation and like I had no control over any of it. 
 

A few moments later, I returned to the lounge room and apologised to my partner for throwing the remote, and also tried to explain one more time that the movie he had put on was triggering for me, and that I had already expressed prior to him putting it on that it would upset me. My partner just continued to play his game of chess on his phone, without looking up at me once, or responding. So, I went back to the bedroom and started bawling my eyes out. I feel like complete crap right now 😞

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I can see clearly your situation and I would like to evaluate as much as I can both sides of this story.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was from a family counsellor... "if challenged by another person, ask questions, get them to account for their actions because often lack of communication leads to more serious events".

Re: "He completely disregarded what I said and put it on anyway."  So the question to ask him here is "can you mute that TV now please... I asked that you dont play that movie tonight and the reason is that I get triggered. you are concerned with my welfare aren't you"?  

That ensures-

• there is no chance of miscommunication
• clarifies if he has your interests at heart over his desires
• will have more chance of not leading to a fight

Door slamming is provocative, it is not what adults should do and although you apologised for the remote event it raises issues to do with temper.

When you returned to where he was and apologised you had expectations that he would act a certain way. However, he was already in the mode of thinking you were unreasonable and had observed your behaviour, he wasnt ready for communication. Some times an apology, however meaningful is not accepted as it is bad timing. Him playing chess on his phone was "I cant talk right now" type of non reaction.

Clearly, at the beginning of your request not to play that movie was a strong indication he was inconsiderate with the possibility he "misread the room". Is he often inconsiderate or does he commonly take your concerns into account? If he is so uncaring regularly then you have a future issue to deal with. If it is not that common an event and his caring and loving nature is sufficient for you then this whole episode is a miscommunication. 

Sometimes we have expectations of our partners that they should react a certain way. You expected him to do a number of things if you read your post again. He also failed to read you and take seriously your triggering and that is a minus.

Work on this together, make a cuppa and set aside 20 minutes with no distractions.

This thread below might be helpful.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pip...

Thankyou for writing in and I hope I've helped even if it is a bit confronting, its better to point out all problems

TonyWK

[Bee1998]

Hi Tony, 

Thank you for your reply. 
My partner is more often than not, not  understanding of me, and often disregards my feelings and what I have to say. 
we can never seem to communicate or get through problems we have, because he thinks everything is an attack, and never takes blame or apologises for anything, so we end up arguing every time. 
I feel extremely alone and helpless in this relationship. 😞

he has not hung out with me all day (we live together), and even slept on the couch last night after the incident (I didn’t ask him to). 
he is being very cold and cruel towards me, and it’s making matters worse. 
He came and finally spoke to me at 7pm tonight, and told me he was going to continue watching the movie tonight. This really upset me again, as he was saying it to me in a smug way, as if to try and push my buttons. 😞

[white knight]

Thankyou for replying.

I think you have an ongoing problem with him and for the sake of personal stability and mental health you might have to review your future.

It's OK, these things happen. Whatever his issue is (immaturity?) It is not actually mostly your problem. I say this because I have pointed out some actions you were better off not doing, you accepted that and have the maturity to be logical and reasonable. He is sadly displaying a game of dominance.

I don't have anything else to say but I am here at least daily if you need an ear. 

Do what best for you. As a man, I am often disappointed in some men that don't treat their partners as the princesses they are.

TonyWK 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Bee

I'm only going to talk to your part in this, as you are the BB member here.

I would like to paraphrase a question I was once asked my psychiatrist once asked, " What sort of partner treats you like this?" This question could be asked of any sort of relationship, be it about a friend, family member, co-worker, boss, teacher, fellow stutent, whatever. He was basically asking if that was any way anyone in a relationship with me ought to treat me, if the relationship was a good relationship.

So, what sort of partner is this who treats you this way?

I can see so much disrespect & disreguard for you & your feelings going on & you are apologising for being upset & angry enough to throw the remote... 

What does it take to say "No, you don't get to treat me this way"?

I know, I'm not in your shoes, just been pretty close, having been in a relationship where my feelings had not been acknowledged nor respected. I hadn't realised how much being in that relationship, (even as 'friends' & 'co-workers' after the 'extra-marital fling' was over), kept the trauma 'alive' for me. In a way, it was as if I was reliving the relationship which had become the trauma I was trying to escape ... but not by going into another abusive relationship, no, no, no we don't.

Please, I would suggest for you to call 1800 RESPECT, on 1800 737 732.

I am suggesting this, because you deserve to feel safe & comfortable, secure & respected in all your relationships.

Hugzies

mmMekitty