Husband left

[Queseyoya]

Hi a week ago my husband suffered a mental breakdown. He has anxiety and is trying to get himself better. However he has decided that being away from the home is the best way. He is also unsure whether we will be a family again. He says I have done nothing wrong but is unsure whether we we back together.

[White_Rose]

Hello Queseyoya

I think your husband wants a bet each way. It's totally unreasonable to ask you to wait just in case he decides to return. How can you be expected to concentrate on your life and care for your children while all the time wondering if he will want to return. Not on. You have only been separated for a short time, too short to work out how you feel about the separation let alone reconciliation.Keeping you on a string with will I/won't I return will cause all sorts of problems for you and is very cruel.

If I may suggest, tell him you are not thinking about a reconciliation yet, that you would prefer him to demonstrate he is committed to getting well before you can consider a future for both of you. Sorry if I sound directive but I am concerned for the same reasons as you about his potential future behaviour.

It seems he has realised that living without you is not all it was cracked up to be, at least in his mind. This is where you need some boundaries and it would be good to discuss this with your counsellor. I don't want to appear negative about your husband, but I think he wants the best of both worlds. It seems he has not fully understood the impact of leaving has had on you. I notice the return or reconciliation is to be on his terms if and when he wants this.

I suggest you make a plan about boundaries with your husband. He is not allowed to ask to return until he has gone to a counsellor for at least six months. At the end of that time he can talk to you about both his and your feelings and wishes. In the meantime he must commit to regular sessions.

Actually I think the conversation would be best held with your counsellor also present. Why your counsellor? I think you are less clear about what is happening than your husband and more vulnerable. I think you would feel threatened or overwhelmed if it was his counsellor, two of them to one of you no matter how impartial the other counsellor wanted to be. Your counsellor will understand your vulnerability and can comment if husband appears to be pushing or bullying.

But for the present simply tell him he needs to get well again before his return is discussed. Please talk about this in depth with your counsellor.

Mary

I know this may sound very regimented but I would have had difficulty with this conversation in a similar situation. You need to have some support.

[Queseyoya]

Hi Mary

Tommorow I have a session with my counsellor. I am hoping I can gain some insight of my situation. I have discussed my fears with my husband. He says he is getting himself better through breathing techniques, meditation etc. He believes he can get himself well without any professional support. I have explained my concern with his approach.

I have told him that he may feel he can get himself better on his own however any underlying issues are not be addressed. He is not equipping himself with coping tools for the long outcome.

He can collapse back into the state of anxiety, depression at any given moment. I would really need to see input on his behalf of getting professional help before I could even consider a reconcilliation. You are correct in saying that he does not comprehend the trauma that I and the children have endured.

I can not expose my children to another trauma if he comes back and then decides again that he is up and leaving. I am trying to strategize on how best to handle the current situation.

There is nothing more in life that I want than to have my husband back. However if I think that he is not going to be genuinely happy as much as it hurts I will have to set him free. I don't want him being here for us out of obligation or with the fear that anything may trigger him and he just leaves again.

[White_Rose]

Hello Q

How did you go with your counsellor? Is this your second or third session? I hope you are getting some answers but it can take three sessions to feel comfortable with your counsellor.

Well at least he is acknowledging, in a small way, that he has a problem. Breathing techniques and meditation are all very well but will take a long time for them to have a significant effect on him. I meditate and I found it very helpful when I was severely depressed. It helped me to look at what was going wrong. I still needed help to work out what was happening and why.

The reason why professional MH people are able to help is because they offer a safe place for their clients to express themselves. Perhaps if my husband had received help many years ago it would have helped him. His mom was very cruel to her children and that flowed on to me. I was not the person who hurt him but it certainly had a huge effect on me. Instead he buried his anger and hurt until they exploded at me. And not just once.

Meditation is truly great especially if it is consistent and meaningful. Remembering to meditate now and then will do nothing for him. Was this part of your discussion? It's a hard position you are in wanting to have your husband back but nervous about a possible relapse. Did you talk about any length of time before you can consider his return. You do need to make it clear that it will not be his decision alone. Just because he wants to return does mean it will be possible.

I think you are managing well even though you are in constant pain. You have been able to see the issues clearly and act in the best interests of your children and yourself. I hope the counselling will be a benefit to you.

Mary

[Queseyoya]

Hi Mary,

It was my second counselling session. I felt drained afterwards but I guess that's expected when you release build up of emotions.

However we discussed an exercise for my upcoming session. It will involve evaluation of pros and cons of my current situation. It will hopefully give me a more clearer insight and gain of control over my own actions.

i am sorry to hear that your husband suffered a difficult childhood. I am a beleiver that it carries on with them as they evolve into adults. My husband also didnt have the best childhood, I personally believe there are underlying issues.

We have not yet discussed a time frame of his return. I have however vocalised my conditions aswell.

Id like him to act upon seeing a counsellor and quite possibly if needed an evaluation for a psychiatrist.

However that is something he needs to take initiative upon himself.

It is a difficult situation but I am trying to deal with it as best as I can. I have realised that I need to be assertive on my requests aswell.

I Thank you so much for your invaluable advise.

[White_Rose]

Hello Q

Here I am at 2:30 am unable to sleep because I had a nanna nap in the afternoon. I really need to get this sleep thing under control.

Yes, counselling can be exhausting but there is the upside, you are talking. Yes I believe my husband's childhood has a lot to answer for and I know leaving him was not helpful for him in many ways. In the end I needed to go for my sake but I always regret we could not make it work for both of us. I think he sometimes wishes he could behave differently but his 'conditioning' would be very hard to change. His sister on the other hand has a lot more insight and left home early which I think was good for her.

The sad part about all of this is, as you say, the carry over into adulthood. Of course this is true of all of us as we carry the beliefs and customs of our families with us. My husband could never go to any counselling. I tried to get him to go to marriage counselling but he said he had no problems so didn't need to go. And I think that sums it all up.

I'm glad you are working so well with your counsellor. It's great that you can have an objective observer to talk to. Setting out pros and cons can be very helpful and give you a much more clear picture of what's happening. I've done that before. The part I find hard is including all the points both for and against because a part of me wants to arrive at a certain conclusion. This is where the counsellor earns his keep, checking to keep you honest.

When you want your husband to see a counsellor are you talking about a psychologist? This can be costly even with a mental health plan from his GP. Psychiatrists can also be expensive with the gap fee but at least you get a Medicare rebate for every consultation.

These situations are always difficult and I think you are managing well. I know it's not easy bringing up children anyway (I had four), but doing so virtually on your own is hard. It's good you are still talking to your husband, not allowing a silence to build up between you both. Take it slowly. This did not happen overnight and will take time to resolve and heal.

Mary

[Queseyoya]

Hi Mary

Thank you so much for your continuing support and advice.

I am coping much more better day by day. My husband and I have been communicating more and have spent some time as a family. However I am taki g things slowly as I need to still sit down and discuss things in depth with him.

I am adamant that he needs to get further professional help, whether that be through a counselor or psychologist. I know that psychologists are quite expensive unfortunately.

We have not made any mutual agreements as to when he will return to the family home as yet. I have devised up a list of issues that I want to address with him. I know it will take time and recognition from his behalf. I don't want to come across as setting demands but I do think it's necessary to voice my conditions. I guess what is really important to me is that he takes validation of our hurt throughout this difficult time as he still doesn't recognise the magnitude of hurt that we as a family have endured.

Once again thank you so much, you have no idea how much you have helped me.

[White_Rose]

Hello Q

It's great that you are feeling better about your life. I am also impressed that you and your husband are talking, it's sometimes the hardest thing to do.

About your husband getting help. He can go to his GP and ask for a mental health plan. This will give him six subsidised visits to a psychologist. Medicare will pay a large chunk as they do for GP and other specialists. After the six visits the psych can recommend a further four sessions. I understand that he can have a few more after this, again at the recommendation of the psych, but I'm not completely certain about this last bit. You or he will need to talk to your GP. And of course it depends how much work he puts in.

If you have private insurance it may be worthwhile checking if it covers psychs. I know they generally don't pay as much as Medicare but I have no idea what they pay. I imagine each insurer has their own rules and rates. Whether or not he chooses to stay on with the psych is of course up to both of you, but he will be paying the total amount.

Another alternative is seeing a counsellor from Relationships Australia, Anglicare or the Salvation Army. These organisations charge very little and in some cases nothing.

It amazes me that Medicare pays all the other medical experts but not psychologists. I suppose it's because they are not medical doctors. Anyway ours not to reason why. I hope that helps with the costs. It can be expensive. Just remembered , these ten visits are the number allowed per calendar year and as we are almost into September probably ten visits will take him to the end of the year. Then in the new year he can start again. I see you mention him seeing a psychiatrist. In many ways that can be a cheaper option. Do you know about the Medicare Safety Net? If not pop into your local office and ask them to explain it to you and then look up your records to see if qualify. It means you pay the gap fee for the psych visit as usual with these visits. But once you reach a set amount of out of pocket expenses the rebate goes up dramatically. Check it out.

Making a list of topics to talk about is a good idea. Not recognising the hurt he has inflicted on your family is sad but there are many people who seem not to notice the effect of their behaviour. That's a good topic for discussion with your counsellor.

How are your children coping? I understand your 11yo daughter was going to counselling. Did this happen? I think it must be as difficult for them as for you.

Mary

[Queseyoya]

Hi Mary

It has been a while since iv been online. I have reconciled with my husband. He's living back at home now. I am glad that our family unit is back together. Although I do feel that there is issues that still need to be addressed. I do still find myself resenting him at times for the hurt he caused us. I feel as though iv forgiven him too passively. Today is not really a good day for me, I'm feeling down. I'm not sure exactly why I'm not feeling complete in my relationship

[White_Rose]

Hello Q

Nice that you and husband are back together. Is he still seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist? From what we have talked earlier it seems he needs to be doing something about his mental illness. Sadly it does not just go away, or at least that's not what I have found.

Are you continuing with your counsellor visits? Being resentful is understandable and I think it will take a while to manage this, which is why I think you need to continue with your counsellor. It's also the reason for your husband to continue his counselling. If everything is swept under the mat in the interests of family harmony there will come a time when it resurfaces. Fixing the problem now will allow both of you to lead happier lives with no skeletons in the cupboard.

Please continue to write in if you wish.

Mary

[Queseyoya]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your continuing support and advice. I havnt had my counselling sessions, I need to reschedule as work commitments got in the way. I do think that I require further sessions. As for my husband he has not gone to any therapy of any sort. I also think that's it's necessary for him as I agree depression just doesn't go away. I personally think that he would benefit from medication he agrees with this. His work is very high stressful and he feels anxious at times with his work demands. It's it literally finding the time to see a gp as he's been so flat out at work at the moment. I do recognise that I need to to work on my resentment towards him. I guess I can only help my self in that aspect. It's a wound that I can't cover up over night, it will take understanding over time. I am at a point that I will always be willing to stand by his side to rectify the situation however at the same time if he thinks he can use it as a weapon I won't be taking it. I think having gone through the trauma once has made me more resilient in the event of it occurring again. I have expressed this to him and I am 100% serious. Not only for my own well being but primarily for my kids. If he does decide to up and leave again it will be a final point for us.