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Depression with a break

Beats
Community Member

Alright, this is my first time posting here, so here goes.

I am a 27 year old male, and I have been struggling with varying degrees of depression and anxiety for a few years now, mostly stemming from my own opinion of myself. I was always one to kind of struggle in silence, as I don't particularly like relying on people or asking for help, so I had never really chased down my issues, more than doing my own research on the internet.

The one consistent support I have had is my partner, and she is incredible. We have been together for almost 10 years.

It seemed like things were going really well about 2 weeks ago. I felt happy, because I finally had most things sorted out. We have just bought a house, which we are waiting to move into; I am getting recognised for my work efforts; and things were good with my partner.

But then out of the blue, just over a week ago, she told me she wanted to take a break. And I am not doing so well.

Her issue was that I was smothering her. She has a lot of friends, and is generally a social person. We also live with her family, until we move into our place. I, on the other hand, have inadvertently pushed everyone else away over the last year or two, aside from her.

We set parameters around the break, and I have been trying to deal with my issues. I am finally seeing a psychologist, although I am unsure if that is going well yet, as we have only had one session. I am working to see my friends and family more. I have been up and down trying to work out where this is headed. There is just under a week till we agreed to talk, but I am really struggling with this on my own.

I love her more than anything, and I want her to have what she needs. But I don't know what to do about myself. Nor can I face the possibility that this could be it for us.

2 Replies 2

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Beats~

Welcome here to the Forum. I'm sorry just as things seem to be going well this problem comes up. Perhaps the two are related.

You mentioned that in the past you have not sought help for depression and anxiety, and now have just started, I'm guessing if that was something that came out of your partner's actions.Incidentally it can take a while to get used to a psychologist -or any therapist, so it is as you say very early.

You also mention trying to see more of family and friends, again I'm guessing this is another part of what might have been agreed.

If your partner is a social being it may well seem daunting to move from a family environment into a house with just her partner. If in addition if he relies upon her a great deal and does not have support and interaction with others this may exacerbate the feeling.

In a long standing relationship a gradual reduction of contact with others and a consequent build-up of reliance on a partner might not really be noticed and come as a surprise when matters reach a head. It can very much appear as smothering.

All of this does not mean a hopeless situation. Trying to strike a balance with a partner is probably the most difficult thing in a relationship, taking practice and care on both sides. It needs doing more than once as circumstances change.

You do not have problems of unemployment or housing, two things that can place great strain on a relationship. In addition you are taking steps to improve things by seeking treatment and being more social. These will not only help the relationship but help you directly too. Isolation is not that good for anyone, not is living with an untreated mental condition.

Hopefully in a week when you talk again things can be put in order and you can both get back together. You will have demonstrated that you are taking the matter seriously and doing things to improve. Hopefully a little less reliance on her, by having a larger world together with starting treatment will be enough.

We'd be very pleased if you posted again and say how you are getting on

Croix

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hi Beats

l'm sorry about the sitch.

Being together for so long and since then so young and her support for you , would've been very taxing on her because that's a big ask at any age so you've had a great lady there.

But it's also a little confining and she's starting to feel the pinch.

l know for a long time l leaned on my wife too much , just too much , l sorta over did it and she was such a giving person that she never complained so l became unaware l was over doing it. And l bit like you l didn't really have any interest in most other people either , where as she was also quite social.

l'm not sure what the answer is in the social thing sorry , it's kinda hard when your both different like that and she'll be needing to stretch her wings now too after so long in a relationship so from so young. So l hope some others here like croix can help with that,

But l do know all about the leaning on her too much thing.With myself to even just cut that habit in half , was really pretty easy once l realized. And cutting it in half made a massive difference. Thing was , l didn't even need to be leaning on her anywhere near as much as l got into the have off, l needed to stand on my own two feet and handle more of my stuff myself and we're easily capable of doing that , yaknow. And what's more , it's also really rewarding and a pleasure to take that weight offa her for a change.

Just push yourself a bit to start taking your own reins so to speak. Handle more stuff your self or if think you've just gotta talk to her about your stuff too , yaknow, just think , do you really need too this time. Instead ask her about hers, let her lean on you , it's very very rewarding too and she's so earnt it you know.yu'll start to feel really good about it,

Good luck anyway and l hope you guys work it out..