Husband left

[Queseyoya]

Hi a week ago my husband suffered a mental breakdown. He has anxiety and is trying to get himself better. However he has decided that being away from the home is the best way. He is also unsure whether we will be a family again. He says I have done nothing wrong but is unsure whether we we back together.

[geoff]

hello Queseyoya, I am so pleased that Mary has been following your thread and offering the advice which she is experienced in giving you, so I can't say too much more than what has been said.
Depression has the ability to try and destroy any r/ship or marriage, that's how powerful it is, and even a loving, supportive marriage can be broken apart by this illness, and why, well that's the difficult part because it doesn't make sense, to know how someone can suddenly change, the trouble is that it could be creeping up on him, where he maybe pretending that nothing is wrong, until it then becomes far too strong and he doesn't have the strength to push it away.
Maybe you could tell your children that daddy has had to go away for special treatment, you may have already, and that he will be back, but you're not sure when.
This doesn't mean that you can't send him an SMS or ring him, but I wouldn't flood him with phone calls, and it's important that you do seek counselling yourself, because you and the children need to be looked after. Geoff.

[Queseyoya]

Thank you Geoff,

I have had my first counselling session today it has helped slightly I am feeling drained emotionally though. The counsellor has suggested that my 10yo see a counsellor also. She has been have sore belly, diarrhea and reluctant to go to go school. What I don't understand is that he is depressed yet is out getting tattoos done etc. I don't really understand 😣

[White_Rose]

Hello Queseyoya

Sorry I have not replied earlier. I have been away for few days.

What I don't understand is that he is depressed yet is out getting tattoos done etc. I don't really understand. Join the club. It really is hard to grasp what happens with depression and anxiety. The anxious person does not have a clue what is happening, at least not at the start. All they know is they feel different. They hurt and want the pain to stop. While this is psychological pain it hurts as much as any physical pain. The wound is as raw for them as a physical injury would be to you. It's not imaginary as many people profess to believe. It is unfortunately only too real in someone's life.

Your marriage was probably as perfect to your husband as it is to you. It is the depression that is changing him. Love him as much as possible and show that love because he knows he needs it even while he appears to reject you. Just be aware that at the moment he cannot manage the idea of being with you and the children and at the same time listening to himself saying how useless and unworthy he is.

I notice I keep saying depression not anxiety. Quite often these two go together. Has your husband been formally diagnosed? It would help you to know what is happening for him and whether or not he has been given any medication.

I realise I was starting to repeat myself. Please read my comments in my first post.

It is difficult to understand how someone can apparently change from one person to another. But that's not really the case. Your husband has, I presume, been busily keeping all his anxiety in check, carrying out the role of husband and father very successfully while underneath there is a huge fight going on. Part of him worries about all sorts of things and that little voice that we can hear ourselves at times, is constantly telling him he is not good enough for you, that he makes the wrong decisions, cannot cope as well as others. I don't know if these are his actual thoughts. They are just examples of the sort of things that come up.

Perhaps you can think of occasions when he has commented that he does not do something well? Inside all this is churning around like a volcano getting ready to erupt. And one day it does. Not quite as dramatically as a volcano but just as deadly. And once the cork has been removed it cannot be easily replaced. Well it probably will never be replaced because you do not want this to happen again. Short story but I hope it helps.

Mary

[Queseyoya]

Hi Mary

Thank you so much for your reply it is greatly appreciated. He has not been officially diagnosed and is not on any meds. It has been a month now and says this w.e he gets his blood test results back. He hopes to take action from there on. I have tried to show my love and compassion. However he tells me I need to move on as he is moving on as well. He says there is no one else that he just wants to focus on getting himself better and enjoying his life. He is currently living with a family member, still working 6 days to save and get his own place. It is wonderful to hear your perspective as it is difficult to understand the effects of the illness.

Ggreatly appreciated

[White_Rose]

Hello Q

Your husband living with a family member is making it easier for him to stay away from you. I expect he is getting some measure of support and is feeling relatively comfortable, which is why he can stay away. At this stage he is quite determined to leave the family because it makes sense to him. The logic faulty but only to others. He has no doubts.

One of the things that happen when we become depressed is to see the world in absolutes. He has become unwell and it's not something a doctor can cure so it's best he leave home and manage for himself. Of course there are all sorts of flaws in this argument but not when you are depressed. It's like the pressure on high school students who believe the rest of their lives depend on how much they accomplish at school. It's a straight forward story. Go to school → work hard → go to uni → get a fabulous job →live happily ever after.

There is no room for shades of meaning or other possibilities and it will lead to his happy ever after. This is really what happens when people get depressed. They lose sight of themselves and other people and set out to achieve on their own. It may eventually work out for him the way he sees it, but I have my doubts. I think the likelihood is he will become used to his life and walk away from his family unless he comes home soon.

In a similar situation someone on BB starting dating their partner again. I can't remember which way round the story is but that was the start of this couple getting together again. It's worth a try.

Does your husband see his children? It would be most unfair of him to ignore them and very distressing. Are you going to take your daughter to counselling? It sounds like a great idea. So often children blame themselves for a marriage break up. It's unlikely to be their fault but this is the only way they can accept what has happened. You daughter needs to be reassured she is not to blame and she needs to know her dad loves her.

So take her to see a therapist or counsellor, tell her that dad loves her but cannot be with them at the moment. You could ask your husband to take the children out at the weekend because they miss him. It's a reasonable thing to do and may help them accept the way life is at the moment.

Keep going because you never know what's round the corner.

Mary

[Queseyoya]

Hi Mary

Yes he does see our children, our son is having a sleepover with him today for the first time since he left. You are right in saying the likelihood of him returning is unlikely. He days he feels a weight off his shoulders since he left. I have come to terms with accepting that our marriage is over. He wants to be able to move on and encourages me to do the same. As for my daughter she is booked in to see a counsellor as I believe it will assist her in gaining an understanding of the situation. She holds onto the hope that we will become a family unit again. I have tried to explain as best as I can that we will always be a family and that daddy will always be daddy to her. However I have began the process of moving on in life without him, I feel deep remorse towards him and could never forgive him. I know it seems harsh but it's the only way I can move forward. Thank you for your wise advise Mary.

[White_Rose]

Hello Q

Lovely reply but oh so sad. It's good he is keeping in contact with the children. Sadly they are the ones who get most hurt and confused because they have no knowledge of why it is happening.

Moving on alone is a daunting prospect. What about finances, should you go to work, where are you going to live are huge responsibilities and when you add the children it gets even bigger. Makes deciding what to have for tea less of a problem. By the way, I'm not asking you those questions above, just commenting.

How are your counselling sessions going? I see you have had at least one session. Sad to say but feeling drained is often the way we feel after one of these sessions. You will start to feel better and perhaps understand your husband better as time goes on.

You say you can never forgive him and I totally get that. Forgiveness is not about the person who has harmed you but the way for you to move past this awful event. Forgiveness has connotations of saying what someone has done is OK and clearly this is not true. You can forgive someone even after their death or just know it inside without actually saying the words. What it is really about is letting go of the hurt. I think it will take time but you will get there. When the rawness has healed and you are managing your life and the children you can start to let go.

It takes away your anger and hurt, the constant memory of what happened and how it affected you. You will be able to say I have let him go and all the hurt will go as well. You will remember but be able to do so without all the horrible emotions of that event.

Mary

[Queseyoya]

Mary I can genuinely not thank you enough for your on going support. I was to have my second session today. However today I had to start training for a work position. As much as the counselling it vital I had to cancel as the prospect of employment is paramount at the moment. I have not been in the workforce for over 5 years now.

I think that going back to work will help me both mentally and financially.

I understand your perspective on forgiveness, I could truly never hate him as the love I had and still have is so immense. It is through grief and pain that I see the situation for what it is at this current time. I sincerely hope that with time the pain will lessen.

Once again thank you so much Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Q

Yes, unfortunately earning your daily bread does tend to trump counselling. Still I hope you made another appointment.

What sort of work are you going to be doing? It's good you have found a job and I agree it will help you both in the immediate future and the future future. I remember some years ago I had a long time off work because I had post viral fatigue. I think I was away the best part of six months. When my doctor gave me the OK to go back to work I thought I would simply start going to the office and do the job I had been doing.

Fortunately for me my GP is a good doctor and she insisted on a return to work plan starting with working three morning a week and gradually increasing the times. I remember leaving after the first day feeling completely exhausted. Who would have thought sitting at a desk for four hours could be such a strain. You may find yourself in a similar position for a week or so. Try not to have activities that take you out once you have returned home. Also having easy, quick meals which allows you time to recuperate after tea, or making slow cooker meals in the morning. Make things as easy as possible for yourself and don't stress over the jobs you think ought to be done. Looking after yourself is more important than cleaning the house every day. However it is a good opportunity for your children to take responsibility for putting away their toys etc. That is unless they already do this, in which case, great stuff.

The process of counselling can be emotional as you will be talking about those events which have hurt you and that is always difficult. Many years ago I went to a psychiatrist and I remember crying through at least the first dozen sessions. In retrospect I wonder why I continued because it was so draining. But I did continue and I learned a great many thing about both myself and my now ex partner.

I am so pleased you do not blame yourself for your husband's depression. So many spouses beat them selves up by wondering if they could have prevented the partner becoming depressed. Not a chance. It seems to me you accepted responsibility for the care of your children and yourself, but not the care of your husband. That's good as he is the only one who can get him back on track.

Keep as well as possible. One day this will all be behind you, even the regrets.

Mary

[Queseyoya]

Hi Mary

Your advise has been so insightful. My husband has asked if I'd consider taking him back in the future if he figures out whether he wants to return. I love him beyond explaining but I am so scared. I am scared of still waiting on him to decide if he wants to return. I am scared that if he comes back into our lives if he will do it again in a month a year etc. The pain is unbearable and I don't think I could go through it again. I miss him so much and love him so much still. I don't know whether it's best to try and keep moving on without him or if to try to take him back if he comes around