Hi Stasia71. Trying to exist in such a turbulent, exhausting relationship is something many of us took for granted as kids. My mum (she's passed) was extremely narcissistic but martyrish too. My ex is narc too but not as direct, so it took me longer to see him. I decided that instead of excusing him or arguing I would agree with him (but agreeing is one thing, actually following his direction is another). I discovered that by agreeing with him he had nowhere to go as far as abusing or belittling me. Narcissists believe that they are right 100%, agreeing with them stops them because they can't argue with someone who agrees. He would delight in continuing to tell me I was too stupid to listen to a simple statement. I started saying you're right, I am what you say. I would then question every statement he said. He always got angry at being put on the spot and he would sulk. I don't say that would work with everyone but questioning someone means they have to silence you by replying. They become so wrapped up in the importance of the wisdom that they're actually being asked something that the abuse is forgotten. Yes, they frequently continue insulting by talking down, but where the wisdom of the sufferer comes in to it's own, is when the sufferer pretends to listen, but mentally switches off. I frequently switch off when my ex begins his insults. He has no idea that I have switched off because he's so engrossed in his own importance that I cease to exist. The hardest part is stifling the laughter watching him. We're separated but he does visit now and then. I'm determined to be a person who would rather be amiable for a couple of hours. Someone taught me how to switch off and it's the most rewarding lesson. I mentally drift off to a t.v program or I hear songs in my head that I enjoy. I automatically nod or verbally agree (and hope I've done right). If I haven't, it doesn't matter because he will never notice.
