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Gaslighting and Narcissistic tendencies

Stasia71
Community Member
I’ve been learning a lot about people who gaslight and have narcissistic tendencies. This is my husband 100% and today while listening to my audiobook Gaslighting, How to recognise manipulative and emotionally abusive people, I was almost in tears because he has been manipulating me for so many years (26 married years!) to the point I’ve been questioning my own sanity! I plan to leave him, I’ve decided that its going to happen, but in the meantime I’ve decided to educate myself on how to handle this behaviour so that he won’t be able to talk his way out of things anymore. I didn’t even realise that these behaviours even existed, and was always trying to make excuses for him or worse blame myself for his behaviour.....he has been so clever to turn any argument around so that I’m left feeling I’m to blame, or worse the kids are to blame, whether it’s true or not.....I have been living in this cloud of confusion, brainwashed in a way. I’m so thankful that I have found these resources so that I can empower myself to follow through with separation and divorce.
17 Replies 17

skybluecoast
Community Member

Hey Stasia71

Good on you .

I had never heard this term before. It comes from a movie, I just read, about a man who keeps dimming the lights in his house then denying it. His wife thinks she is going crazy.

Can you share ( point form ) some of the main techniques to stop this kind of manipulation? I am interested.

Thanks for sharing Stasia71 Always good to find a new technique. Today I found out about 'Rolling with resistance'.

Sky

Guest_7403
Community Member
Google grey stoning amd covert narcissists.

Use the grey stone technique to nullify him

Welcome

Also google

Beyondblue topic narcissism

Beyondblue topic emotional blackmail likely BPD

And

Witch queen hermit waif

This is a fascinating topic. And good for you. Once freed Stacia you'll slowly recover and never alliw yourself to be trapped in anyones web.

TonyWK

Thank you for the info, I will google those topics! ☺️

Once i find out, I will post. The main recommendation was get out...and stay out....that’s what I plan to do, I will not play his game any longer. ☺️

Thank you! I have just finished a book called “Will I Ever be Free of You?” It was really good. I am enjoying this new book I’m reading (actually, it’s on audible ☺️) listening to....I feel like I’ve been conned and conned so well that I’m sure once people find out I’m leaving him, they’ll be asking “why? He’s such a nice guy” 😕 I am so excited about being free of him. Even though I probably will struggle a bit at first, it will totally be worth it! ☺️

paddyanne
Community Member
Hi Stasia71. Trying to exist in such a turbulent, exhausting relationship is something many of us took for granted as kids. My mum (she's passed) was extremely narcissistic but martyrish too. My ex is narc too but not as direct, so it took me longer to see him. I decided that instead of excusing him or arguing I would agree with him (but agreeing is one thing, actually following his direction is another). I discovered that by agreeing with him he had nowhere to go as far as abusing or belittling me. Narcissists believe that they are right 100%, agreeing with them stops them because they can't argue with someone who agrees. He would delight in continuing to tell me I was too stupid to listen to a simple statement. I started saying you're right, I am what you say. I would then question every statement he said. He always got angry at being put on the spot and he would sulk. I don't say that would work with everyone but questioning someone means they have to silence you by replying. They become so wrapped up in the importance of the wisdom that they're actually being asked something that the abuse is forgotten. Yes, they frequently continue insulting by talking down, but where the wisdom of the sufferer comes in to it's own, is when the sufferer pretends to listen, but mentally switches off. I frequently switch off when my ex begins his insults. He has no idea that I have switched off because he's so engrossed in his own importance that I cease to exist. The hardest part is stifling the laughter watching him. We're separated but he does visit now and then. I'm determined to be a person who would rather be amiable for a couple of hours. Someone taught me how to switch off and it's the most rewarding lesson. I mentally drift off to a t.v program or I hear songs in my head that I enjoy. I automatically nod or verbally agree (and hope I've done right). If I haven't, it doesn't matter because he will never notice.

SammiSam
Community Member

Thank you Stasia71,

I've heard of gaslighting before but have never thought to look into it more. I've done some Googling and am deep into reading up on the topic.

Stasia. Most people questioned why I left my ex. Narc's are extremely clever at manipulating any situation and making it appear that all they care about is their families. Don't concern yourself about other people. Rejoice in your newfound life. I love being free to enjoy my life without fear of abuse or being belittled in public. He can't hurt you once you leave. As I mentioned in an earlier post, it took me about 7 months to get the courage to move things around in my flat. I could hear him telling me I shouldn't do this or that. He frequently told me I have no coordination. My answer now is: who cares. I couldn't do right for doing wrong. I do what I want and when I want it. I have settled down but it took me 7 months to free myself from the self imposed prison created initially by him.