Ex Jehovah’s Witness ?

[Gj1]

Hey guys my first post here😊

To start off with I want to say that I was born and raised as a Jehovah’s Witness and left the faith when I was able to move and support myself. Leaving and coming out to normal society has been pretty tough tho. I just feel like there’s a really distinctive loneliness of being an ex Witness that a lot of people won’t ever understand.

I’m wondering if there are any ex Jehovah’s Witnesses on these forums that have been able to sort of overcome those feelings and find happiness outside the organization.

Could really use some good stories that it does get better because at the moment it feels like I’m seeing the world from behind glass

[rolled_oats]

Wow reading your story was like looking in a mirror, my story is very similar!

I have been disfellowshipped twice before and that is why i am reluctant to go through the pain of it all again so i have been living a double life for the past year but the inner stress is really hard to live with. I have a very supportive partner so i have made the decision to come clean at the end of the year.

i do recommend seeing a therapist (i recently started). I've found it helpful just to be able to talk to someone non-judgemental and get everything off my chest. I've been sleeping better and now i really look forward to the next session.

Anyway, i also relate very much to starting life over and finding new friends but never really feeling the same. It certainly is not easy but it's so important if you have a few close friends that you can call 'family'.

[PatsyWu]

Hi group,

I was a JW for several years. Left when I found some things were making me uncomfortable in their attitudes and teachings. I had two pre teen daughters when I began attending meetings.

Early on the lady with whom i was studying (an elders wife), put the wind up me when I mentioned that my husband was being taken along by a work colleague to another type of religion that evening and she almost screeched her car to a halt as she warned that 'satan knew that i was studying the "truth" and this was his way of putting a stumbling block in my path'. Didn't want that to happen to my two girls so I meekly kept on going.

Eventually I left but it took me years to stabilise and become normal again. But I just recently found out that my two girls, one now 48 and the other 45, both suffer terrible anxiety. I knew that they did suffer from this but they've just told me that they put it down to growing up JWs.

I googled, as you do, and found that so many children of JWs have this problem in later life - this is not good!

Thank you for reading this and love to all those struggling with anxiety and other forms of mental problems brought about by this and other misguided upbringings. x

[Croix]

Dear PatsyWu~

As you can see from the others in this thread you are by no means alone. When one is given a community to live in who have their own values it is only natural for one to adopt them too. This is particularly the case for those who are younger.

If one then leaves that community the ingrained beliefs and habits, together in many cases with a sense of abandonment can have a very long-lived effect, with the person involved almost caught between two sets of beliefs and values, and genuinely have great difficulty in knowing what choices to make.

As an adult you say yourself it took you years "to stabilise and become normal again". So it is sad but no surprise that your daughters, even though they are at their current ages, suffer an ongoing reaction, and it would appear to have manifest as anxiety.

An anxiety condition, as I know myself, is a horrible and often life-limiting illness. May I ask if your daughters are seeking medical support?

Croix

[PatsyWu]

Thank you Croix,

My elder daughter's anxiety was felt early on and she is relatively calm now. My younger one got on with her life and her anxiety has not long surfaced, and yes she's currently undergoing psych treatment.

When we left the organisation my eldest left first, she was 14. I didn't make her go back because I was realising by that time that, although there were some genuine, devout people in the congregation, there were also many who I could see weren't ... they were saying one thing and doing another, and excusing their behaviour with the words: 'we're only human and make mistakes' ... and I count many long standing members in this last group.

I was still attending meetings with my younger daughter. Because of their teachings I thought that I didn't want to risk her life in armageddon as I was told that if the parent wasn't in the 'truth' their children, as faithful as they may be themselves, wouldn't be saved as 'they couldn't have all these orphans running around' I can't believe i swallowed this line but it was told to me in a study by someone who I was sure knew more than me.

We were getting ready to go to a Sunday meeting and my younger said she didn't want to go anymore, I asked why, she said she thinks that it wasn't true, so I said 'well, if you don't want to go I'm not going, because I was only going these last couple of years for you'.

I think when you start your study it is implied (more than implied really) that their organisation has a direct line to Jehovah and everything they say, everything they tell you to do, everything that comes out in their printed material is surely the 'truth' and if you have questions which they can't answer immediately to your satisfaction you are being influenced by bad forces ... and that, without doubt, steers you right back onto their course ... when I think of it there were a lot of scare tactics, in my case anyway.

Anyway Croix, thank you for your response to my post and I will keep a lookout for anyone on the Gold Coast who may want to meet-up after the virus allows us.

[Croix]

Dear PatsyWu~

I think you are both wise and eloquent, and as such will make a big contribution to any support group you start or join. I am sure your children will have inherited those qualities and end up like their mum, secure in themselves.

Croix.

[Palm_trees]

Hi intronaut and All

This is my first time posting so abit nervous must say!
the reason that compelled me to write is the comfort of hearing others have faced the guilt part of being conditioned as a JW aswell. Only now I’m in my early 40s and been gone for 20 years but it still seems to permeate all of my relationships and cause issues. I thought I’d just drop the whole thing at some point but it still causes me so many issues in everyday life. That coupled with a fear of being judged as bad is very soul destroying. Im not sure how to navigate away from this atm but want it gone. I have a wonderful partner and don’t want this to keep being a problem for us any longer. It now causes me fear and anger which I can’t seem to get beyond. Any thoughts on experiences and next steps I’d be so grateful.

thanks

Palmie

[smallwolf]

Hi Palmie,

welcome to beyond blue. Your story seems to mirror the posts that others have made here, and the period that is post-JW seems to difficult for the reasons you mentioned. While I cannot give to the next steps, because I have not been in your shoes, but familiar with the trick my mind can play on me. So I have this question for you...

Who do you fear is judging you as bad?

Brene Brown has a good way of determining whose opinions matter to her - a group of name on a small sheet of paper. The opinions of these people matter. These rest... there opinions do not matter. It is had to get to that place. I hope you come back and chat some more.

Tim

[Speak_up]

Hi Palmie,

This reply is my first post on the forum, I was on here looking for advice because I'm currently going through a separation but then this topic caught my eye.

I grew up as a JW, and have been out for over 20 years. I can relate to your feelings about your background impacting your relationships. This is something I have an ongoing struggle with and don't think there is any quick fix. I feel very lonely and disconnected from other people and experience embarrassment and shame - I tend to push people away.

Recently, I started schema therapy and I found it really useful for understanding how my behaviour has been shaped by early experiences and how this plays out in my relationships with others. I've also had CBT, which helped, particularly with understanding cognitive distortions which would definitely developed due to the teachings of JWs. It may be worth looking into, particularly black and white thinking.

Anyway, a bit of a rambling response but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone

[blondguy]

Hello Palm trees

please dont be nervous...you are very strong for writing your own post so well as you have

I have had a very kind and elderly JW gentleman that has knocked on my door for a few years and I always provide him with respect...and a glass of cold water in summer...until I just received a letter (due to Covid19) from him mentioning that we are living in a time that has been 'foretold' long ago

Not being a JW I cant comment on his faith/beliefs

All I do know is that our own well being is paramount and all other considerations are secondary

Its only my very humble opinion that we can find some peace on an individual basis without judgement

I hope some of this post is helpful Palm Trees 🙂

your thoughts are always welcome

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Intronaut]

G'day Palmie,

I hope you and your partner are well, I always thought by the time I was past the equator (you know? Been out of the JW longer than you were in?) I'd be fixed, but after reading your post it sounds like you're closer to that than I am and still have some residual thought patterns, for lack of a better term. In my opinion, talking to those who shared our model of upbringing always helps, even if it's just through a keyboard like we're doing now. In some way it helps to know that there are others who have the same scars or at least have been cut by the same blade so to speak.

If I'm honest, I completely ruined my first relationship at 21 because of how incompetent I was at dealing with my emotions, i can relate with you on that front, the guilt and shame I put on myself was atrocious, therefore I ran away from it because I felt bad putting her through it too. But I put that stuff there. I let it be there. But Ive come to learn this, We don't call the time in our lives in which we were the most impressionable we will ever be the "formative years" just because it sounds cool. The Watchtower society installed in us a kind of software or programing that made us govern ourselves by guilt and shame when we were children. (Our formative years) An Inbuilt way of making us shy away from anything wicked or "wordly" no matter how tempting we may have found any of it. We were to feel shame for wanting, or at least being curious by any of it. We all wanted to enter the paradise earth with our family but were made to feel unworthy if we had feelings or longings that didn't harmonize with jehovah's standards.

I always tell those who don't know much about the Jws style of upbringing this; you know how parents tell their kids that "if you misbehave Santa won't bring you any presents this year"? Or the Scandinavians would tell there kids not to go deep into the woods because the trolls will get them? Obviously, when the child is mature enough the parents say actually, Santa isnt real we just don't want you being a turd all year, or there's no such thing as trolls, we just don't want you to wander too deeply into the woods and get lost. We never got to a point and were told that Satan isn't really going to invade your house if you listen to Pantera or play Doom. Guilt and shame were my go to feelings, I dragged them along with me everywhere in life.

I cried at the scene in Good Will Hunting because it resonated then like it does now, "It's not your fault"