enough is enough....

[nlr]

This is weird. i know i have a problem yet i don't know what it is. To now I've lived what i thought was a good life. travelled, great jobs and financial freedom. The world i live in now is nothing like that. I mad poor judgements in trusting people in business and now have lost it all. I can live with that, after all its just money... i would have gladly given every cent i have for happiness.  In the last few years I have met two women. The first one lied and manipulated me when all i did was show love, respect and honesty. She took a major piece of me when i finally picked up the courage to walk. It was hard... probably one of the hardest times in my whole life. I lost a lot of myself when things ended. I never thought i could be with someone again. Then something happened. I met a amazing beautiful soul who welcomed me into her arms and her life. She showed me how to love again and feel good, no.. great. Only two weeks ago she wrote in my birthday card, 'thank you for being a beautiful part of my life and making me so happy'.

Now i sit here not even 24 hours after we broke up. I'm lost. I'm in a dark place. I'm tired. I'm really over it. I have lost the willpower and the desire to keep going. I never thought I would be this way. I thought depression was a lame excuse, when my mother first told me she was battling it i didn't believe it. Now i know what it is and I can see how destructive it is.

Now i sit here as a person that can't do anything right. i feel

useless and un necessary to this world. the hurt and pain in me is not worth living with for the lack of anything else. I have no friends that i can trust, no partner to love and nothing but problems. 

So I ask this.. When does enough become enough? Why try and move on just to be shot back down? The darkness in my life has now consumed my mind and body. I'm sick of living on 2hours sleep, sick of the pain and sick of the hurt. 

I am so, so tired.....

[white knight]

Hi Nir

"When is enough enough?.  Truth?  It never is enough. You keep going, fall down, pick yourself up and keep fighting, fall down, do it all over again and again. Because that's what life is for some of us emotional souls out there, often laced with depression like you and your mum.

My current wife of 3  years. When we first dated (we'd know each other for 25 years at the time) we broke up after 3 weeks. I said that's ok. I will continue to seek out that perfect partner until I'm at least 80yo. If you dont want to proceed then that means you werent right for me and that's good because I wont be getting involved heavily then get hurt to someone that will bow out.  We got back together 10 days later.

But the principle is the same, no matter what we do - we get up and dust ourselves off and keep going.

As for sleep. I suffered mild sleep apnea and rented a CPAP machine. Now I sleep soundly for 8+ hours. I'm a new man. Maybe you need a sleeping tablet or a sleep study. Pursue it.

Good luck. Life is a roller coaster- once that is accepted it is easier to roll with the waves.

[geoff]

dear Nlr, I'm sorry but it's a sad story that you told us.

Everything that you have trusted and wanted in life has been destroyed and I can't blame you for feeling this way.

I can understand the rejection from wanting to be with company and being in a relationship and perhaps being taken advantage of especially by the last relationship.

The trouble with depression is that it does 'consume your mind and your body', and it controls the way we think, and it blocks any positive thinking.

I know how low you are feeling so this will affect you in every way as it already has, so you need help, and even if somebody comes along you will hesitant and not confident, so you need help with your depression first of all, which means seeing your GP.

There's no magic pill to take for loss of a partner as it is always so difficult to cope with, but when it draws you into depression then it's time to seek help.

You have lost so much starting with your business and believing that people would not financially dishonour you and then go through two relationships you would be wise to get assistance.

It is a sad story and by losing a partner is just as bad as a marriage breakup.

I hope that you get back to us. Geoff.

[nlr]

Thanks for your words,

Truth is, I'm over falling down and picking myself up time and time again. I just get to a point where i think it is enough. every part of my life in the last decade has been pretty much all down hill. Once i find something good it disappears. Just as I thought I had finally found happiness its ripped away from me. I don't feel alive anymore and to be honest i don't care about anything anymore. Im fed up with this life..... Ive had enough

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to youon issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[AGrace]

Hi nlr,

Sorry to hear of your troubles. I think here at the forums you will find a lot of generous, supportive people, so I can only hope that by posting here the journey gets easier. 

I can understand how you're feeling, your trust in others has been shattered by a number of people. You are experiencing a form of grief just like anyone else who experiences a difficult loss. You will get through this, but it will take time and the necessity to experience a whole gamut of emotions. 

I went to a group some weeks back called "fall down 7 times, stand up 8". It started off by introducing us to the only innate fear that we are all born with, the fear of falling. This was interesting because it made me realise that all my other fears I've learned. As adults I think one of our biggest fears is risk taking. Unfortunately if we don't take risks then we don't experience most of the things life has on offer. So if we fear taking risks why do we take them? Literally because we feel the benefit of taking the risk far outweighs the consequence. At the moment you feel like the consequences are so painful that you can't take another risk. One day your heart and your mind will feel and think differently, your traumatic experiences will teach you resilience, and you'll open up to taking another risk. This is the secret for standing up that 8th time, learning resilience. 

Life isn't only happiness, otherwise we wouldn't know what happiness was. In life it's more ideal to aim for balance. You feel a little off balance at the moment so it feels unjust, sadly the only way you'll recreate balance is by bringing some happiness into your life. This is why we keep going. 

I always tend to ask a lot of questions in my responses, this time I just want to leave you with these thoughts and you can get back to us.

AGrace

[nlr]

Thanks AGrace

Yes I feel totally destroyed right now. My world as I  know it has collapsed, everything I have felt good about has been crushed and now I sit here all alone wishing for it all to end. I don't like living like this, I used to be vibrant happy and easy going. Today I feel totally the opposite in my head. Sure, people on the outside don't know whats going on in my mind and just see me but I'm consumed with a darkness, an emptiness inside of me that i want to end. 

Resilience has been lost on me lately.. as much as i try i always end up in the same spot. if not tomorrow the next day. I have just turned 42, yet i don't want to live another 42 years feeling like this. I hate this feeling, these emotions and I just want it all to go away, yet it won't. I am so tired of it all. Life just has no real purpose for me anymore

[AGrace]

Hi nlr,

It sounds like you want to throw a lot of things out with the trash, which is easier said than done. I wondered whether you have ever researched Acceptance and Commitment Therapy? It's focus is more on accepting our thoughts and emotions rather than pushing them away, acknowledging their presence, but not buying into them (after all they are just thoughts and emotions they are not facts). When we accept them we can choose to distance ourselves from them. If you're at home with nothing else to do it might be a good distraction for you to look it up.

My second question is would you consider getting some support from your GP, a therapist etc? If you feel like your life no longer has purpose, it's important for you to recognise this a sign that you might need some external help. Start with a visit to your GP, or take a look at the list of GP who specialise in mental health on Beyondblue's website.

AGrace

[nlr]

Hi AGrace,

I feel like trash, so yes. 

I don't have  a GP or therapist. I have always been reluctant to speak with someone face to face rambling on about my problems. that and the fact i live in a small coastal community so I'm not going to talk to someone here. 

[AGrace]

Drs love a good ramble!

O wasnt implying you are trash. By the sounds of it you're far from trash;) Dont let living in a small place stop you from getting support. Do take a look at BBs list. You moght even find a GP in a nearby town.

Your feelings are all very valid given that you are hurting.

Are you working or studying at the moment? It can be helpful to have something to take our minds off our problems.

[white knight]

Hi nlr

I was about 42 when I wrote this short poem. I was separated, emotional and I believed I had no future.  I was building my own home and working 12 hour shift work in security plus my kids some weekends.

I'd hung many sheets of plaster by myself. My old back injury was killing me. I walked to the rear verandah and on the way picked a daisy flower.

PROBLEM FLOWER

The world is upon me

as I pick a daisy flower

pick the petals for each of my problems

and count them by the hour

And when all the petals are gone

problem as big as a city tower

I think of how many I have

....but not as many as that flower.....

WK

I then got up, made a coffee and continued on and kept doing that until my house was livable. My kids came over for their first stay. We hung up fairy curtains, outside was a fairy garden.....there was a peak of achievement.

I'm now 58, remarried. Happy with my wife and home life.

I'd like to know more about you. Keep chatting. We are listening.