Separation with Kids Involved

Anthony1 · ‎27-07-2014

Hi,

My marriage is ending after almost ten years. We have two wonderful kids together. The relationship has been under stress for a couple of years. Main problem has been my wife is very aggressive and wants things a certain way and in the face of this I retreat and avoid conflict. This is a very broad explanation of course. I have been studying at uni to become a teacher but have had to defer until things get better. My wife has already started seeing someone else and stays with him alot and the kids miss her. I have to try and get a new job so I can move out and get a nice place for my kids near their school but its so expensive. I don't know whats going to happen and my main concern is my kids and my mental health. I am seeing a counsellor and talk to friends. Initially my wife suppported me staying in our unit and continuing with uni but things change every day it seems and now she wants me to find a job and move out so she can rent the place out. Feeling lost and like life has taken a surreal turn. I just want to be set up with my kids in a nice place, but I don't feel like I have any control. I want to avoid any legal stuff and to behave like "adults" but its hard...

white knight · ‎27-07-2014

Hi Anthony1, welcome here to BB forum,

I had a similar situation and found my answer. My kids were 7 and 4. My wife used silence as a weapon among other issues.

I purchased the cheapest caravan I could find. It was only 3 metres long and was $1200. I could afford anything dearer. I went into the nearest caravan park until I sorted myself out.

In my case, in a rural area, I found a block of land and built my own house. My kids loved the van...bit like a cubby house, and building my own home every fortnight they saw the progress, played hopscotch on the slab etc. it was an adventure. Kids are resilient and adapt better than us in these situations.

You seem determined to "get them a good home" which I might point out is natural but its you they will visit not your house. Any home will do.

As for legal dramas, take your time. Eventually when reality sets in with your wife and she seeks legal advice , they often come around to a settlement rather than a drawn out procedure. In my case I took the garage and she kept the house and mortgage. I tore down the shed and put it on my block of land. You might find another way to settle. But dont sell yourself out.

As explained on other posts of mine you will need to find some strength to adapt to being without your kids on some nights. Remind yourself, you are their father, no one will ever replace you as their dad even though it seems that way. Stay strong but allow yourself to grieve for the loss you are enduring. Dont feel a failure. Eventually this period of hell in your life will be replaced with a better life, your kids would ahve fully frown and you will find happiness. Then, like me now, will thank your lucky stars you stayed positive....

geoff · ‎29-07-2014

dear Anthony, welcome to this site.

From what you are saying is that you appear to be caught in limbo here by your wife, and sorry to ask but is the flat jointly owned.

She has done the dirty on you and the kids by living with someone else, so I wonder who has jurisdiction on deciding who can live in the flat.

The other option is to settle this mess and get a divorce which would mean to sell the flat in which you can then go your own separate ways, this is going to be heartbreaking for the kids, but it seems as though the marriage is over, this is never pleasant for the kids when it happens, as I have experienced myself.

This is going to be most difficult as it seems as though she will dominant this but your own sanity is important, so you have a few problems here, the safety of wanting your kids, not to be controlled by your wife, and mostly your own mental health, which is very important.

You say that you seeing a counsellor which is good so I wonder if it is sort of helping at all, and whether you should be on some medication as well.

We always ask people if they are taking AD's because sometimes it works and sometimes people struggle with taking it.

Can I ask how old your kids are, and hope to hear back from you. Geoff.

Anthony1 · ‎29-07-2014

Hey Geoff,

Thanks for your reply. We do own the flat jointly but she has paid for the majority of the mortgage. To make things clear, we did initially attempt an open relationship as a foolish way to try and give each of us some space, but I suspect this guy was on the scene prior to this decision. Seeing the counsellor is good and I am on medication which does good. My kids are 8 and 5. Girl and boy. I am spending the majority of the time with them at home at the moment which is great, but that won't last forever.

AGrace · ‎29-07-2014

Hi Anthony,

WK and Geoff have given some pretty good advice from their experiences. I think you'll need to tackle one thing at a time here. It sounds like you're already on top of the mental health issues. In terms of finances, it might be worth pushing your studies back to part time so that you can find employment. Effectively your wife can't actually kick you out of the unit, so stay as long as you can until you can fund moving into your own place. If the unit is in joint names it doesn't matter who payed the mortgage. While you are setting yourself up with a job and finances I'd reduce your contact with your ex. Keep it strictly about the children and only when absolutely necessary. It's not going to be of any help to see or hear from her.

Once you've found somewhere to live and you're settled then you can start looking at legalities.

As the others have mentioned you will be surprised how resilient your children are. From my experience I will just say keep the adult stuff to yourself and only share with them what effects them. You want to be honest, but let them be kids for as long as they can be. I'm assuming that your children are both in school, have you got family around that can help with school pickups so that you have more hours in which you can spend working?

I hope you'll keep us updated with how you're getting on. I know what it feels like to have your life turned upside down, but you will get through this.

AGrace