I think my mum is a narcissist

boilingpoint · ‎09-01-2014

I am 40 and have just realised whats wrong with my mother, I think she has NPD.

Last straw was when she picked a fight (wasn't really a fight) packed her bags while staying at my house and just left 3 days before xmas. Like I was not worth talking to sort things out, left me very easily. So I have decided no contact was the way to go. Realised a grieved for a mother a never really had but wanted so much, relaised she never did really love me and never will. Though do I still let her see my kids - her grandkids? Is it fair to not let her see her grandkids though what if she hurts them too as they grow older? they are 2 and 3

Vanilla5 · ‎11-01-2014

I don't know if everyone will agree with me, but I also suspect my mother has NPD, and I wouldn't expose my kids to her if I had any. From what I've read from other forums, NPD can be learned, so I wouldn't want them picking up on any unpleasant behaviours.

boilingpoint · ‎11-01-2014

Decided not to expose my kids to her especially after she didn't call to say happy birthday for my youngest son who turned 2 today. Very sad that I have a mother like this..

Vanilla5 · ‎13-01-2014

Sorry to hear that, but I think you're doing the right thing for your kids.

Pixie15 · ‎13-01-2014

Hi,

From what I have read if your mother has NPD she would have already probably had some impact on you when you were a child. Your own recovery might depend on your getting to know her better. You could be doing yourself and your mother a great disservice. I would not write someone off that quickly.

Peace,

Daisy.

boilingpoint · ‎13-01-2014

She is the one who wrote me off quickly picked a fight, just packed her bags and left whilst staying at my house. She didn't even attempt to talk, like I just wasn't worth talking to, now has completely dismissed me and my children. I just don't think I should have to beg her to love me. I don't hate her, just hate her actions. If she will never admit to something being wrong with her mental state what is the point?

Vanilla5 · ‎14-01-2014

If your mother is anything like mine, I wouldn't dwell too much. Unless you've actually experienced NPD long term, you don't know what it's like.

It's like willingly befriending your bully, only they're still actually bullying you, so they're not a friend at all. I would confidently compare it with an unhealthy relationship, where a husband beats his wife, and she won't leave him, because she still believes he loves her, only the beatings are emotional, and psychological, rather than physical.

They can't be reasoned with, because if you're the 'target' victim, nothing you say is right, and everything they say is. All they do is make you crazy, and make others believe you are too. You'll be much happier without, in my opinion.

If you're unsure though, I'd talk to a professional for advice, and maybe for a venting session.

boilingpoint · ‎14-01-2014

I agree they can't be reasoned with, they will never believe or admit they have issues so my only option is to give up..just like she did. Wish it wasn't like this but it is and have no option but to have no contact.

Pixie15 · ‎14-01-2014

I wasn't suggesting that you accept any sort of bad treatment for yourself or your children. I just personally think it is a good idea to get to know your parents as adults. I don't think people are born with personality disorders so there must be something in your mothers history which has influenced her own development. It might not mean you will like her any better but you may have more empathy.

Vanilla5 · ‎15-01-2014

I know you mean well Daisy, and anyone with a loving mother would not wish for anything like what we're discussing. I hope you understand that my advise is not based on resentment towards my own mother, but from the experience of over-empathising with her.

Victims of NPD are prone to do this, as they feel obligated to care for the person; after all, they're still human. The problem is, for every time I have had this decision, it has costed me. It can really burn a person out, and no one can truly relate to that feeling, without experiencing it first hand.

Trust me, I've told plenty of friends; all who thought I was over reacting, especially since she was lovely towards them (she keeps a front to hide her true nature). But so far I've had two friends live with us, for about 3 months each; both have changed their minds, and don't want anything to do with her now. Even every husband she has had, has left; resentful.

I've tried time and time again to try and make it work. If they don't want your help, then you wanting a good relationship with them isn't enough.