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I just ended a friendship with my ex but I'm not sure it's the right thing to do...I'm so confused & it's complicated

Community Member

Hi guys,

I just ended a friendship with my ex a couple of days ago but I'm not sure it was the right choice as he was a positive influence in my life.....I think anyway...maybe you guys can enlighten me?

I'm writing to you people here so I don't cave in and write to him coz my head is all over the place at the moment and I need to know I'm doing the right thing before I say or do anything.

We haven't been a couple for about 5 years but stayed friends all this time.  My depression was what made us break up, he just couldn't deal with me yelling and screaming at him and taking out all of my anger and frustration on him.

We didn't 'break up' like normal couples do. I was so dependant on him that we never had that time apart from each other. I would just keep calling him and we'd meet up and hang out and I got stuck in a cycle where I would hope that we would get back together but he didn't love me anymore.....I just couldn't accept that there was no chance of us getting back together.

To his credit, he did stick by me as a friend and he even helped me find alternative treatment overseas. This alternative treatment lasted for about 6 weeks and I felt amazing. I really thought I was ok with us just being friends but now the feeling has faded and reality is setting in & I'm not OK with just being friends.

We did start up a sexual relationship when I came back from being overseas but then I decided to stop because I realised that having sex with him didn't mean that we were back together and that he didn't love me but I was ok then to just have some fun with him.

Once I started to recognise the signs of my depression returning, I thought it would be best if I stopped contacting him coz I didn't want to put him through all the crap he had to deal with before. I emailed him to let him know that for his sake, I was going to stop seeing him.

I thought it was better for him to not have anything to do with me coz I don't wanna bring him down with me and I feel like I'm preventing him from moving on with his life.  I thought that I was doing him a favour...giving him a way out.

I feel like I'm being selfish by keeping him in my life but he's my only real friend. I do enjoy his company but I just can't get caught up in the cycle of wanting to get back together again.

It's been 2 days since I contacted him and this is the longest I've ever gone without talking to him. I hope I have the strength to stay away and let him move on with his life.

1 Reply 1

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi H&H,

Your friend/ex is a big boy now. He can make his own decision if he wants you out of his life. You refer to times when you emailed him to ward him off as you were depressed. Why not elave that to him. Ok, you are meeting for coffee and you are in a depressive cycle. You meet and you explain up frotn you are not well but you are happy to see him. Let him know but dont deny him. Otherwise your friendships are conditional upon your illness and that when the illness takes hold as number one and not the friendship.

I think you are somewhat scared. That's because you still love him right?  You feel guilty that your depression caused you to break up, yelling etc. But how long ago was that?  When are you going to let go of those things that are part of your past that you cant change?

People change and they are allowed to change.  People are fluid, love can be fluid. You can place this great friendship, even him personally as number one as a friend or you can choose for your depression to be number one and friends down the line.

I'd choose the former..