enough is enough....

[nlr]

This is weird. i know i have a problem yet i don't know what it is. To now I've lived what i thought was a good life. travelled, great jobs and financial freedom. The world i live in now is nothing like that. I mad poor judgements in trusting people in business and now have lost it all. I can live with that, after all its just money... i would have gladly given every cent i have for happiness.  In the last few years I have met two women. The first one lied and manipulated me when all i did was show love, respect and honesty. She took a major piece of me when i finally picked up the courage to walk. It was hard... probably one of the hardest times in my whole life. I lost a lot of myself when things ended. I never thought i could be with someone again. Then something happened. I met a amazing beautiful soul who welcomed me into her arms and her life. She showed me how to love again and feel good, no.. great. Only two weeks ago she wrote in my birthday card, 'thank you for being a beautiful part of my life and making me so happy'.

Now i sit here not even 24 hours after we broke up. I'm lost. I'm in a dark place. I'm tired. I'm really over it. I have lost the willpower and the desire to keep going. I never thought I would be this way. I thought depression was a lame excuse, when my mother first told me she was battling it i didn't believe it. Now i know what it is and I can see how destructive it is.

Now i sit here as a person that can't do anything right. i feel

useless and un necessary to this world. the hurt and pain in me is not worth living with for the lack of anything else. I have no friends that i can trust, no partner to love and nothing but problems. 

So I ask this.. When does enough become enough? Why try and move on just to be shot back down? The darkness in my life has now consumed my mind and body. I'm sick of living on 2hours sleep, sick of the pain and sick of the hurt. 

I am so, so tired.....

[nlr]

AG/WK

Firstly, Melbourne is only an hour and a half away, so I'm not in the deep backwaters of the world just that the town I live in is part of my problem i feel and that makes it harder.

I have lost my house/money/career/partner. Im unemployed, keep getting knocked back on jobs as i either have too much experience or too far etc etc... always an excuse but no one ever bothers to ask me if i want to travel, do the job etc 

Up until 8 years ago everything was sailing well business wise, my personal life wasn't but i guess my long days put paid to finding a special person to give my time and energy to. I quit my high paying job to go out on my own, it was good for a little while as i had my freedom and opened my eyes up to bigger picture things. Things on the work front suddenly became hard the last few years, got into partnership with a silver tongued lair who pretty much robbed me and eroded what confidence and trust left that i had in humanity. My major failure in life ( according to family & friends ) is that I'm too trusting and give too much. I grew up a generous and thoughtful person and gave it to anyone and everyone. Seems to be my undoing... relationships take advantage of my nature and business takes everything else. 

I guess you can say its my own fault for being too easy a target. I just expected people to do right by what i would do. My school principal said this when i was about 11yo "What you put into life is what you will get out". So... stupid me gives too much and gets it all taken away. Give money loose - money, Give love - loose life. 

Im 42, Ive lost everything. Never been married, no kids and now not much else. I think if i was born 100 years ago when love and honesty actually meant something then I would have lived a blessed and fruitful life. But today? Today I feel like a total and complete

failure, taken advantage of too many times and never learnt from it. I have a massive heart but it keeps getting me into trouble. In many ways I wish i had of been a bastard to people, the old 'treat em mean, keep em keen' thing ( never believed in it ) as at least I would be a stronger person and not one that is quite able to walk away from life right now. I know I wouldn't be missed apart from my parents but that is it. 

I can't keep on hoping for better days.. every time i do they end up bad, every time I try to do good I get nothing to show for it so

what is the point? I don't want this to be my life anymore, It serves no purpose....

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[white knight]

Hi again nlr

Readign about you, might as well be reading about myself- giving your heart to others and getting hurt. Boy that's me. 

Being taken down by a partner- no havent felt that but many fellow employees have done so. you automatically trust but most dont trust until they are proven trustworthy.

These inherit factors of our personality wont change, its us, its you, you shouldnt need to change and dont!.  When you realise one day that it is a gift and not a restraint, only then will you embrace this ingredient to your makeup. You shouldnt change but you should develop some basic protective mechanisms. And they are-

Social media....if you are on FB reduce your friends. Mine went from 180 to 45 earlier this year. I was vulnerable to bullying. This big guy at 58yo.!!

When any friendship is developing seek out others views on that friendship. you'd be amazed at others perspective.

Stay away from clubs. If you like golf, play golf. At the 19th hole stay there only long enough for others to feel you arent being rude etc then leave.

Now, what about letting yourself be a man with less self expectations?  We are always being a superman. About time you let go of your superman. People that have been successful in their field- high up the ladder, when they lose that they fall far. Yet in life's journey being that high up financially and career wise, are only two links in the chain of living.

A while ago I wrote a thread on "back to basics". It was to offload things that have attached to us that weigh us down. We live in the fast lane and lose sight of the basics. We forget how to find what give us excitement, adrenalin, laughter and comfort. We forget how to live lone happily or separate from a partner amicably. We need to retrain ourselves on priorities like need then all other things, our needs first then others. If we dont we run the risk of self destruction.

Many people go bankrupt, you just dont hear about it now. Many lose their homes through gambling. Many lose out emotionally and maritally.  Just visit a caravan park and you'll see.

In 1996 when I separated from my wife I had a credit card, a 4 metre long 30 yo caravan, a job and one good friend. I'd lost my full time fatherhood, my dog, my neighbours, my faith in life. I was 40yo and I'd been working for 23 years.

I was a failure also in my eyes until I discovered a direction. That was to save a little then some money from my credit card to buy a block of land. I was flying again.

Think of finding a new direction?