Do not know what to do next

dawes · ‎16-02-2016

My husband of 24 years is suffering from depression. He has been seeing a councilor which is good. Unfortunately he has always had an issue with my only daughter and I think feeling is mutual. Talk about being torn. Well it all came to a head at Christmas something was said and I confronted him but instead of being my normal calm self I snapped at him. Well he walked out spent a night at a Motel. He did come home but would not talk to my daughter & her husband. When they left he moved into spare room and told me to consider him a boarder. He said he didn't love me anymore & I did apologize for the way I reacted and told him that I still love him. Well he has been intimate with me so I am so confused. He went to councilor again today and he said he still didn't love me & Councilor advised him to stop being intimate with me as it is no good to him or myself. What the hell can I do?

trustlife · ‎17-02-2016

Hi Dawes,

Thanks for your post. "The Councillor advised him to stop being intimate with me", that doesn't sound right. I'd probably start with a joint visit to the councillor. If your husband agrees to the meeting with the 3 of you then you're on the right track. I won't get into the issue with your daughter. There are many many reason for family spats, but in reality the solution is always the same. A quite conversation that involves listening on both sides, instigates a level of trust and understanding and re-kindles a bond and the strength to move forward. This applies to you, your husband, your daughter and her husband. I'm not suggesting a big 'free-for-all' discussion but take it step by step. I'd get you and your daughter to have a quite word first. You need an ally. She may have some insights on your husbands state of affairs. Don't be confused by his intimacy but use it as a stepping stone to building your relationship back.

Kathryne · ‎17-02-2016

Hi Dawes,

Family dynamics!

You love them and forgive just about everything, obviously something had been building for you "not to be usual calm self"

"He went to councilor again today and he said he still didn't love me & Councilor advised him to stop being intimate with me as it is no good to him or myself" I tend to agree with the councillor here.

My reasoning being:

If you remain intimate and he does not love you , what does that do to your mental health? Are we confusing love with sexual release.

The councillor may have stated this , however in a different manner. In an attempt to assist your husband sort through his feelings. If he does not love you, why does he still feel an intimate connection? areas to explore!

How do you feel about his current status? Has your daughter explained her reasoning for the " issue" can you resolve that issue and move forward from there.

Wishing you well

Kathryne

Stollie · ‎17-02-2016

Depression Sucks. My last partner also suffered from depression bup despite antidepressants he still had a high.sex drive, which isentitled to help some people out with there feelings. Although my w partner has lost.all interest in sex, which is ok but makes me feel rejected. Hope this gives you some insight to the differences can happen between different peoples bodies

dawes · ‎18-02-2016

Thank you so much for your reply. I had mentioned to my husband that I would go to his session if he wanted me to or the councilor thought it may help. No answer but at least he didn't say no. He appeared to be a little upset after his session and didn't sleep well but yesterday he seemed quite happy. I thought I would wait a few days and then ask him if we could have a meeting with councilor together. The issue with my daughter is the very strong bond we have and many years ago before we married we were on holidays with another couple and my daughter called and advised her fiance left her and their 4 month old baby, obviously very upset and need to talk to me. She did ring 3 times. When 3 rd call came they all remarked it would be my daughter again. Well I stormed out and husband came after me and he mentioned she was calling all the time. One thing lead to another and I said "Don't ever make me choose between you and my daughter' that has haunted him since as he brings it up often. They did sit down together a few years later and admitted they were jealous of one another because they both wanted my attention. He does not have any children of his own so perhaps that is part of the problem as well. Perhaps too much water under the bridge?

dawes · ‎19-02-2016

Well I would like to thank you for your words of advice but it looks like he may have made up his mind. He has asked his work to pay his wages into his own account and said that he is only staying because he cannot afford to move out.

Guess I will just have to deal with it the best way I can. May need a counselor myself.

pipsy · ‎19-02-2016

Hi dawes. It's so sad, the predicament you're in. Depression can make people hurt others when they are hurting as a way of getting back at whoever they think is responsible for the original hurt. He seems to be blaming your daughter for his inability to 'connect' with her. There's possibly fault on both sides, I can't say, but usually when stepfather and step children have problems it's because there's issues with biological father. If your daughter's father is not on the scene, jealousy for the connection between you and daughter seems to be causing problems. How long were you alone before you remarried? If your daughter had you to herself for several years, she would've been a bit put out when you started a new relationship. The fact that your hubby had no children would've made things difficult too. He would have no idea how to communicate with a grownup girl. How are you going to survive financially if he has arranged to have his wages paid into a separate account? Sounds as though he wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants to stay with you, but he doesn't want to look after you financially. I think I'd be suggesting he leave. I know you love him, but you have needs that he's not accepting as part of marriage. I definitely think you seeing a counsellor to help you get your life back on track is a good idea. A counsellor would be able to steer you in the right direction with financial help too.

I'm concerned about how you're going to manage.

blondguy · ‎19-02-2016

Hi Dawes

I am sorry that I am late in the thread. Like Pipsy said...This is a sad predicament you are in and your husband seems (just my humble opinion) to be out of line here...Id be suggesting he leave as well Dawes.

I am sorry for the anguish and the dreadful time you are going through right now

I dont have the experience that Pipsy and others above have, but can you please let us know how you are going......if you wish of course

We are here for you

Kind Thoughts for you Dawes

Paul

Stollie · ‎19-02-2016

As well as dealing with the whole depression crap myself, I also worked in mh. I found that some people whether they do it on purpose or not, when.they get unwell they start to draw away from those who are close to them. Also these actions also need to be watched as some people at this time think about hurting themselves . I don't wanna scare you but sometimes depression can make anyone do things they usually wouldn't consider due to the emotional pain they are suffering. Hope this helps

dawes · ‎22-02-2016

Thankyou Pipsy for your input, appreciate this very much.

Not sure where to find a counselor.

As far as how I am going to manage. Well I am still working but we have mortgage & neither of us can afford to pay the other out so would have to sell the house. We also have my Mother(96) living with us for last 13 years. He is very good to her and said would be hard to find anything around here with the comfort she now has. Guess he is thinking of her which is nice.

Just feel emotionally drained but need to hold it together for everyone concerned especially my Mum and I do not want to put too much pressure on him either as I would not want him to hurt himself.