I feel as though nothing ever goes right.

Altered_ego · ‎09-06-2016

Long story short,im a 28 year old man. Id like to say im happily married but my wife never hesitates to tell me she doesnt love me or isnt in the least bit attracted to me. I mean, im not perfect. I think ive come to accept im everything she says i am. Useless amd the cause of all the disappointments in her life. Weve tried to have a baby thr last two years. Hasnt happened yet. When i get anxious she says its my fault and probably cause i dont love her. She says ill never be equal to what she is and reminds me of that daily. As soon as anything looks like or starts to go wrong, everything comes out as my fault. I want to fix things but i suppose how many times can i try before i lose hope right? Im probably jusy blabbing on but as i ttpe this im sitting outside on this winter night as shes inside the house. Im confused and i dont know what to do. Ive always been the happy jolly guy but its really hard to find strength when the onr that initially gave you the strength then puts you down.

White_Rose · ‎10-06-2016

Dear Altered Ego

Hello and welcome. I am very sorry to read you are having such a hard time. While one person may not be able to provide everything someone else wants, it does not mean you are hopeless. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership where both people work together on their happiness. You are not responsible for making your wife happy, just as she is not responsible for your happiness.

Are you often anxious? Is this a problem in your life? I don't mean just when your wife is nasty. How do you cope at work and in other areas of your life? Is there any reason you cannot have a baby? Have you checked it out with your doctor? There are all sorts of reasons this happens. My daughter did not become pregnant for years and both she and her husband got checked out. They decided to try IVF. Is this an option for you?

I think your wife is cruel and demeaning to you, very much a bully. In what way are you unequal to her? Marriage is not about who is the most wonderful person, it's about love and respect for each other. Why did you get in the first place?

It may help the situation if you tried marriage counselling but I suspect your wife will not attend. Why not suggest it anyway. I tried this but my husband refused on the grounds he had no need of counselling. Perhaps your wife will say this.

If your wife doesn't love you then why are you still together? At this stage I would be looking to separate and probably to divorce. If any of the above comments do not help then maybe you should get yourself a divorce lawyer and separate. After all, why should you be used as a punchbag? You have tried for two years to make this marriage work and it does not. Go your separate ways.

Having re-read this post I feel a bit dictatorial, telling you what to do. Sorry, it's not my usual way. From what you have said I can see you are suffering a lot and want it to cease. I feel the only way forward for your marriage is for you and your wife to sit down and talk to each other. And I mean talk, not one person talk and the other accept. If this cannot happen your choices, as I see them, are to leave or condemn yourself to lifetime of bullying. Make an appointment for yourself with Relationships Australia and tell the counsellor your story then take it from there.

Please let me know how you get on.

Mary

Starwolf · ‎10-06-2016

Hi Altered Ego and a warm welcome to you.

What you describe sounds like a toxic relationship. In this painful, self esteem destroying situation, there are only 2 viable alternatives : Try to fix it or call it quits.

Efforts to improve the relationship must come from both of you. One-sided attempts can only lead to one thing...failure. It seems this is what has been happening until now. Due to her own insecurities, your wife's power games are eroding your self esteem and confidence. This is what bullies do to create the illusion that they are strong and powerful. They need to feel in control and superior at all costs.

Mary has offered excellent suggestions as to what could be done to help mend the rift. But if your wife won't go along with the attempt...forget it.

Each and everyone of us deserve to be loved and appreciated. Why stay in a situation which has become unbearable ? A relationship that cannot be repaired can only get worse as time goes by. Sometimes timely retreat in the face of the unchangeable is the bravest, wisest thing to do. It is a matter of limiting the damage done.

At this point in time, not having a child to consider is probably a blessing. Being a parent is a huge responsibility. A child needs happy parents and a stable environment. It seems that right now, this cannot be provided. People often believe the arrival of a baby will improve a relationship but it only makes it all way more complicated.

You deserve a lot better than your wife's attitude. There's no need to allow it to destroy your quality of life. Decisions must be made. Well done for taking this courageous first step to reach out.

My best wishes are with you.

pipsy · ‎10-06-2016

Hi Altered_Ego. The 'relationship' for lack of any other word doesn't sound like anything at all. No matter what you do, how hard you try, I feel you'll never be able to do right, for doing wrong. Can I ask if your wife has a tendency to look down on people she feels are not her 'equal'? If she has this 'I'm better' attitude it could be something to do with her upbringing. Blaming you for being childless, it could be it's easier to blame you than be told she's infertile. Being infertile could mean, to her, she's less than perfect. I doubt you will ever know the answer to the question I just asked about 'equality', because if you did ask, there's a good chance she might try to evade the question. How long did you know her before you married? What did you know about her? Have you talked to a Dr about the infertility, have you considered your wife may have mental health issues, hence the constant derision of your character rather than admit she may be infertile.

Lynda.

White_Rose · ‎11-06-2016

Hello AE

How are you going? I thought I would check in with you and see how you are going. I was hoping you would continue to write here as talking about a problem can usually be helpful. This is a safe web site. We have no idea who you are or where you come from, so feel free to vent as much as you wish.

Mary

Apollo_Black · ‎11-06-2016

Hi AE I like your name

there's always two sides to the story but from what you're describing you'd be best to calming wind the marriage down and call it quits. Be nice, be calm, be in control of yourself and just wind it down. You're actually luckily you don't have a child. Trust me on this. A child will not improve your situation and it will make things incredibly complicated. If your wife is truly acting like this towards you, you need to get out. Get the support around you from family and friends and just make the move. Good luck

Mr_Cool · ‎21-06-2016

Hi AE, I can feel the pain you are feeling in your comments.

I'm thinking along the same lines as some of the others. Based on your initial comments it appears that the relationship is not healthy, and may not be something that you can change.

Having said that I'm a firm believer that we are in control of our own lives and therefore you can decide want you want to do. Scary I know.

Children ? Would you want a child growing up in your current environment?

what do you want, and what options do have ? Fix the relationship (needs 2 people) or leave it. Again a scary thought, but you have the power to decide. Maybe your wife needs help? It sounds like she has some real issues herself. How can see get it.

Certainly talk to someone, and get some real support, but look after yourself first. Sounds like you are someone who should be valued a lot more than you are being at the moment.