Crying tears on the inside

[Doolhof]

Yesterday was the 23rd anniversary of our son's premature birth and early death.

I feel like I have no one here to share those thoughts and emotions with in person.

That makes me feel so very much alone and very sad.

I've been crying rivers of tears on the inside. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep plodding along through the day.

I'd love for this pain to leave me alone. At times it feels so consuming, like it will swallow me up. But I keep going on. One painful step at a time.

I never knew that love and grief could hurt so much.

My dearest son, at least you are there with your siblings, where ever "There" may be.

I will always love you all with all my heart. Huge hugs and never ending love, from your Mum xxx

[geoff]

dear Mrs. Dools, 'Riding for the Disabled' is just so lovely to watch those poor little kids who have a disability riding a horse who are so patient and take their time.
The people who organise these fortnightly events should be congratulated for giving their time and providing the horses, as there is one running up where I live, and boy the kids just love it and so they should enjoy some freedom.
That would be lovely for you to do so thanks so much. Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your encouragement. The place I will be assisting at has sessions every Monday during school terms. They had about 6 ponies and nearly as many horses. I noticed they have younger children there as well as teenagers from one of the local high schools.

There was an older gentleman as well with terrible arthritis. He can hardly hold the reins. I was having a chat with him. He said he grew up with horses and was a stockman most of his working life. He goes along each week to ride a horse again. It is wonderful he has that opportunity.

I'm not sure if I will get to ride one of the horses or not, maybe later on that might happen.

I'm looking forward to Monday. Hope it is not raining or the riding will be cancelled.

Cheers, from Mrs. Dools

[Guest_322]

Hi Mrs. Dools,

Your volunteering journey sounds like it has been a really uplifting experience so far, which is fantastic!

I'm glad the gentleman has an opportunity to ride horses again. That must mean a lot to him. What a moving story.

I hope today went well and that it didn't rain where you volunteer.

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

And by "today", I mean yesterday. Ha, ha I apparently still think it's Monday 😉

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Mrs. Dools,

How was Monday? Looking forward to hearing how it all progresses for you.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Doolhof]

HI Everyone,

Like starting new anywhere, it takes time to work out how things function. At the moment I am stumbling around blind, learning as I go, observing and taking in any instruction or information that comes my way.

Last Monday, the older gentleman didn't ride as his arthritis was causing him to much pain. He did still attend and watched the youngsters riding. I had a lovely chat with him for ages. There was only one child riding in the first session after lunch.

In the last session I was asked to be a support walker, you hold on to the saddle and let the child on the horse know that you are there, lightly touching their leg.

The sky was almost black, thankfully we had a few spots of rain only, not enough to stop the session.

I'm starting to remember the horses and ponies names, and learnt how to put on a bridle.

Next month I hope to join the morning sessions so I can see how they set up the area and saddle the horses. Apparently they brush the horses in the morning, so I am looking forward to helping with that. I will start with the ponies! Ha. Ha.

I'm going to ask if they have some information for me to read as well or I will have to ask questions to find out how things work. I'm not good at asking questions out loud!

Cheers all, wishing you a great day. From Mrs. Dools

[geoff]

dear Mrs. Dools, my heart goes out to you for what you are doing and can't thank you enough.
I always love to talk to elderly people who have so much information locked up in their minds, the experience which they tell you about, the times when they had to walk to school over fences and through puddles, because there was no transport, and when they had to cart briquettes on their shoulders just so mum could cook and they could stay warm, I find it so intriguing and could listen to them for hours on end.
I hope that you really do enjoy your time with these kids and the horses who are so placid am I'm sure they love every moment and help they are providing. Geoff. xx

[Doolhof]

Dear Geoff,

Thanks for the message. The Riding for the Disabled is a having a three week break now due to the school holidays and a training day for the leaders.

Being so close to a large horse is helping me with my trust issues and also helping me to feel less disconnected from everything.

A couple of the old dears whom I work for have asked me if I will still drop in for a coffee and a chat with them now and then after I leave work end of this month. You are so right about the stories the elderly can share with you.

I'm just over 50 now, it is interesting that some of the dears still want to be called Mr. or Mrs. and not by their first names, that is fine. I always ask how they would like to be addressed.

Last weekend we went out to dinner with friends who have two children aged about 6 and 9. I sat next to the young boy. He asked me if I could get all the bits of onion and capsicum off his plate for him. Later on he helped me to eat my chips that came with my meal. We chatted all evening and I enjoyed his company.

Hope all is well in your neck of the woods. Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Just Sara]

Good morning Mrs D;

Firstly I want to express my deepest sympathy for your loss and grief. I'm so sorry I didn't find this thread when it was first posted. My thoughts go out to you, and others who've also posted about their grief.

I'd like to contribute to the wonderful support you're giving at RFD if that's ok? Your enthusiasm is inspiring and a great help to deserving people in the community.

I've worked with disabled individuals, many of whom were privileged enough to have been offered placements in this successful program. The times I accompanied my guys to ride was a complete eye-opener! The behavioural issues associated with their disabilities, was reduced to a point where they became completely different people. It was the most inspiring affect of calm and peace in these sometimes tortured souls.

The gentle back and forward motion of the horses gait broke through the frustration and confusion of their autism and associated symptoms. It was a pleasure to watch as I led them around the arena. The affect was nearly instantaneous and lasted the whole day!

The way in which you're immersing yourself and improving your knowledge and abilities can't be compared. Good on you Mrs D!!

I'm like Geoff too re the older generation and their stories. I could listen and share all day! It's a way I may be able to give back to my community and will consider leaving my comfort zone to get back out there and mingle.

You're a peach!

Warm and kind thoughts..Dizzy xo

[Doolhof]

Hi Dizzy, Geoff and everyone,

Thanks for the comments Dizzy. There is one girl who yells and screams as she is being put on the saddle, once on, she relaxes, smiles and seems to really enjoy it. Her Mum helps to lift her on, otherwise I don't think she would ever get on the horse during the session time.

My association with horses in the past has been very limited. I was standing next to one once to have my photo taken, the horse turned its head and bit me quite hard on the arm!

Many years ago we were with my husband's family and visited a friend of theirs who was letting us ride their horses for a while.

The horse I was on decided to start trotting and then sped up even more. It tried to wipe me off in a tree! This horse did not behave like that with anyone else!

The lady then said she had a really quiet horse that would just walk. Well, not with me it didn't! That darn horse took off as well almost as soon as I was in the saddle. A guy rode him after me and the horse just walked!

Some time I would like to ask if I could ride one of the horses at the RDA. Not sure if that is allowed or not.

Thanks too Dizzy for your support and kind words. Means a lot to me.

Cheers all from Mrs. D.