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Crying tears on the inside

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Yesterday was the 23rd anniversary of our son's premature birth and early death.

I feel like I have no one here to share those thoughts and emotions with in person.

That makes me feel so very much alone and very sad.

I've been crying rivers of tears on the inside. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep plodding along through the day.

I'd love for this pain to leave me alone. At times it feels so consuming, like it will swallow me up. But I keep going on. One painful step at a time.

I never knew that love and grief could hurt so much.

My dearest son, at least you are there with your siblings, where ever "There" may be.

I will always love you all with all my heart. Huge hugs and never ending love, from your Mum xxx

51 Replies 51

Greetings Mrs D;

I'm sorry I haven't replied before now, I've been sidetracked by several issues and have limited my time on here.

Thankyou for the kind words, though the kudos still needs to be given to you for your work and enthusiasm. It's unfortunate horses act that way around you. They have an uncanny sense of 'who' is riding them re confidence and empowerment. If you have issues about being 'small' and feeling powerless at times, they'll pick up on it in a flash.

Due to people with autism (on the lower end of the spectrum) being basically self connected and not very well controlled with their anger, horses understand the need for calm. I think with you, they might be challenging you to step up? Just a thought.

When I was in my mid teens, I stayed with my Nan/Pop and my young uncles where horses were a common sight on the property. While the men were at work, I'd sit on the fence post singing to myself and a horse (Boots) would come over and nudge me on the shoulder. As I'd walk along singing, he'd follow without issue. That horse taught me to ride! He'd walk when I sat on him and as I felt more confident, he'd pick up the pace. When I became overwhelmed, he'd slow down and so on. I never had to say a word. Eventually I learned to stay on while he cantered along, feeling quite chuffed with myself.

My uncle took me out one evening with Boots in the trailer behind and sold him to the neighbour. I was in total shock and mourned my new friend for hours. Boots and I had become very emotionally close, and I'm sure he grieved me too. I heard he was never ridden again and died in his paddock alone. Very sad indeed.

Horses are amazing creatures; so powerful yet so intuitive. I'm not surprised about the girl you mentioned who played up until on the horse. Autism is a very interesting subject. If you want to learn more, there's a movie called 'Temple Grandin' that depicts issues faced by these people. It's a true story and very entertaining as well as informative. Even I was intrigued by its content; Temple is an amazing woman and so was her mother!

I wish you well Mrs D. I hope this experience pays in regards to personal achievement as well as an opportunity to give.

Warm wishes..Dizzy xo

Hi Dizzy,

Thanks again for all of your comments. I was saddened to read your story about Boots, that is an awful way for a horse to end up.

Funny thing i our neighbours have 3 horses. Sometimes they come tot he fence in the summer so I can give them carrots and any green grass we might have growing here.

One of the men at the RDA told me the horse has to know who is the boss, and it is not them. Not meaning that he is at all physical with them, just lets them know who is n control.

As time goes on I am sure I will learn a lot more about horses.

I will look up that movie you mentioned as well.

We have three friends who have Autistic sons.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools