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NEWBIE - Relationship issues

Jodee49
Community Member
Hi I'm new to BB but have battled with depression for many years but in the last two years when my husband was terminally diagnosed with a rare cancer, I had to increase my medication x4 to cope and have struggled ever since. The hard part for me is that he is considered to be 'stable' at the moment and appears well from the outside- he goes to work everyday, however he drinks heavily when not at work. My dilemma is that I'm trying to get myself better and feel he is dragging me back every time I get two steps forward. Don't get me wrong he is not violent or abusive when he is drunk he just doesn't have a stop button and falls asleep and becomes unsteady on his feet (he has had many many falls). To compound this I have had a few major meltdowns in front of people who I thought were my friends in the last couple of years and have managed to alienate myself from them so I feel quite lonely most of the time. I do have other friends but not a lot and I see them occasionally. I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place so to speak. I love him and don't want to leave however staying where I am is destroying me slowly and painfully.
1 Reply 1

Kazzl
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Jodee, welcome to the forum. That must have been a difficult first post to write, so well done for reaching out. I am sorry to hear about your husband's illness. I know that severe illness, be it physical or mental, affects everyone around the person who has it. Being the partner or carer of someone who's ill can really take a toll on you. So, please don't feel bad or wrong for feeling the way you do, it's normal and to be expected.

It seems to me you have a triple load - your husband's illness, your own depression, and his drinking. It must seem overwhelming sometimes.

As a recovering alcoholic myself (five and half years sober), I understand that your husband is using booze as a coping mechanism. That's what we do. But it can take us over to the point that we become oblivious or uncaring about both the physical and mental effect it is having on us, and on our loved ones. Sadly, the only one who can change that is the alcoholic. You can try to help him towards this by talking to him when he's sober (in a calm, straightforward way, not accusing or critical) and tell him what it's doing to you. If he wants help you can help him. But ultimately, he has to make the decision to change.

Meanwhile hun, you MUST focus on you. You can't help anyone if you are unwell. And, frankly, you deserve better than this. Please talk to your doctor and a perhaps a psychologist. You must care for yourself, that's essential.

Perhaps google Al Anon - the organisation for families and friends of alcoholics. They might be able to offer strategies to help. Other organisations for carers of cancer patients might have information that's useful too. Sorry I don't know any offhand, but if you do some googling you should find something.

Please keep talking to us Jodee, there are many people here who know depression well, for all sorts of reasons - you are among friends.

Kaz