Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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strugglingmumma Feeling broken after complex deceit and infidelity
  • replies: 1

I don't really know how to start this. I found out last week that my husband of 18 years had been DMing someone on the other side of the world. He has a history of mental health issues including borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression an... View more

I don't really know how to start this. I found out last week that my husband of 18 years had been DMing someone on the other side of the world. He has a history of mental health issues including borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression and anger issues. He has been in and out of our lives for the last 10 years trying to come to terms with his issues. He has cheated three other times in that time while not living with us, all women he met on Instagram. He was living with us this time and said the he wanted to go on a 12 week overseas trip to work for a friend doing maintenance work in exchange for free board and meals. I didn't want him to go and there were many arguments. He packed a suitcase and left 6 weeks before his flight and stayed with a friend. He wouldn't return my calls and didn't say goodbye to the kids or I when he flew out. He took money and once there started messaging the kids and I saying that he was coming back to us, that he loved us, sending photos. He has been gone since June and last weekend I accidentally discovered on Instagram that he went over to meet up with a woman who met him at the airport and has spent the last 9 weeks driving across the country with her. I spoke to her and she said that he told her he had been divorced for 6 years. She said she would kick him out and that she also felt deceived and lied t. The next day she messaged me to say she had thought about it some more and they were staying together. I am gutted, cry constantly and have no idea how to move forward. My children are teenagers and want nothing to do with him now. My future has been ripped out from under me with no warning and I'm struggling just to breathe. This is a condensed version and there is so much more he's done. I'm so sad.

Becsicles Reaching out to the wrong people
  • replies: 5

Hi everyone/anyone! Does anyone struggle with fidelity? I find myself trying to reach out to men whilst being in a long term relationship. I think I know why I do it, it’s to feel wanted and desired, which in turn will hopefully make me feel worthy a... View more

Hi everyone/anyone! Does anyone struggle with fidelity? I find myself trying to reach out to men whilst being in a long term relationship. I think I know why I do it, it’s to feel wanted and desired, which in turn will hopefully make me feel worthy and happy and give me some small amount of joy. But I have a conscience and it’s not fair on my partner. I just can’t seem to stop doing it. Am I the only one?

Regine Is Date Night necessary in relationships?
  • replies: 6

Hi I feel like crap this morning. Haven't had much sleep since arguing with my partner lastnight. I know this sounds dramatic but I'm angry & hurt at the fact my partner doesn't seem to want to go on a date night or even plan it. Feels like he dreads... View more

Hi I feel like crap this morning. Haven't had much sleep since arguing with my partner lastnight. I know this sounds dramatic but I'm angry & hurt at the fact my partner doesn't seem to want to go on a date night or even plan it. Feels like he dreads the thought of it & is such a mission for him to get on board. We're currently in a good place. We both agreed we would try & make time for just us & have a date night regularly. I feel its a good way of maintaining growth in our relationship as a couple. He feels we already spend time together at home with our son. I don't know why but it bothered my he doesn't want to make the effort. I've been crying since lastnight. Am I over reacting? Am I overthinking over a small petty thing? Why do I feel this way

Lady_Artemis New to forums - newly single and struggling to find any joy in anything,
  • replies: 6

Well, I am a 41yr old woman, who suffers from chronic nerve pain and is recently seperated after 12 yrs with a man that I thought I could trust,even though he was super controlling of every aspect of my life. Initially the break up was amicable, as t... View more

Well, I am a 41yr old woman, who suffers from chronic nerve pain and is recently seperated after 12 yrs with a man that I thought I could trust,even though he was super controlling of every aspect of my life. Initially the break up was amicable, as the reason he gave for ending our relationship was that his mother who i cared for no longer wanted me living there because I could no longer provide her with the care she demanded (read be her slave),as a result of my condition being untreated due to doctors refusing to prescribe meds, his second reason was that he could not afford to support me unless I were working, which I am no longer able to do. I have come to learn in the last few days that the real reason he ended things was because he had rekindled an online relationship with the same woman i busted him having cybersex with 8yrs ago, and she is supposedly moving from Canada to be with him. The thing is, I have accepted the relationship is over and that I am much better off without him, but, he is refusing to give me back my dog and threatening to have him put down if I keep contacting him about returning my dog. This is devastating me in a way that I just cannot cope or see any joy in anything, because the only thing that gives me joy is my dog. This dog brings me comfort when I am dealing with severe pain, and he adores me so much that he suffers from seperation anxiety if I leave him for more than 30 minutes. My dog is registered as mine with the vets and the counci and I was his primary carer until recently, but the cops won't do anything unless I take him to court, and I just can't afford the legal costs. On top of this, I am also paying off a vet bill of $1900 on my own because the ex won't help me. I don't know what to do or where I can turn because I feel like I have cried so much that I now have permanent red puffy eyes, I can't eat, i don't want to go out and I can't seem to find anything to distract me. I am seeing my gp next week, but I just feel so useless and like I have lost everything that matters to me. My family lives thousands of km away so I can't go visit them and with limited funds its hard to get out anyway. I need my dog because I just cannot cope without him by my side i just feel so lost and I really don't know what to do now

PS03 Struggling with motherhood
  • replies: 12

Hi I do not know how to say this or if I will be judged for saying this - I hate being a mother. I am a mother of a one year old and a 4 years old and I love my children. But being a mother is a constant struggle- every day and every night. Sometimes... View more

Hi I do not know how to say this or if I will be judged for saying this - I hate being a mother. I am a mother of a one year old and a 4 years old and I love my children. But being a mother is a constant struggle- every day and every night. Sometimes I feel I wasn’t meant to be a mother. I had a great life before kids. I miss those days. I am miserable and my kids see this and I am terrified that it will affect my kids mentally and emotionally. I want to scream and throw things and I can’t do this.

Guest_598 Bargaining Stage of Grief
  • replies: 5

Hi All, do you have experience with the stages of relationship grief? When people go through the bargaining stage, are they likely to return to their partner even if they were the ones that separated? If a person says that their ex is causing only an... View more

Hi All, do you have experience with the stages of relationship grief? When people go through the bargaining stage, are they likely to return to their partner even if they were the ones that separated? If a person says that their ex is causing only anger and sadness in them, but that they need to understand how the relationship broke down and that that means working through it with their ex (i.e. talking more to them), does that mean they want to get back with them. Or just that they have a need to understand why they have to go through all the pain? Thanks.

Beeky94 Depressed partner doesn't know whether he wants me and our family
  • replies: 3

Ok Guys, this one is a doozy so settle in. Background on me: I got married to a mentally abusive ex because I fell pregnant. It was a mistake - he was cheating and living multiple lives with other girlfriends. I found out via one of the girls becomin... View more

Ok Guys, this one is a doozy so settle in. Background on me: I got married to a mentally abusive ex because I fell pregnant. It was a mistake - he was cheating and living multiple lives with other girlfriends. I found out via one of the girls becoming suspicious of him and investigating. Anyway, I left and copped continuous abuse via txt. He is to only contact me via email regarding our child and his supervised visits. I had panic attacks and serious anxiety from 6 years of horror starting as a teen. I went through therapy and medication and met current partner. My daughter sees him as her father of her own accord and we have a baby son together. Now, fast forward, our son is 1, daughter 3 on her way to 4 and i've watched my partner become withdrawn, irritable and mean. Its been about 3 months of spiralling and arguing because I did my best to engage and try and talk to him to only be talked down to, ignored or fought with so then i also withdrew after experiencing a BPD ex who used downs as ways to make me stay and feel worthless myself. I have since realised I need to step up and became aware of the differences in the fake depression used against me to this very real, heartbreaking illness and want to support and help. However my partner has decided he wants to leave and is further withdrawn and refuses to even sit near me. Its hard to even get him to engage with two children who are sitting right next to him asking for his attention. I try and speak to him to only hear he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or be a parent or that this life is enough for him which hurts me beyond belief especially for my daughter. He says he still loves me and can't live without me but he needs to leave because his head tells him to. Its breaking me because I want to be with him, I want our family and he just says he can't be with me and needs to leave but I feel that leaving is wrong and that if he does then that is it. There is no coming back. He is also blaming me for a lot of the problems because I started fighting, however I don't fight with him, I ask questions and try to engage in a conversation and he ignores me or is snide or rude and I get upset and hurt. He does not see the things he has done and that I've been trying to help or find out what is going on. I feel horrible because sometimes I desperately want him to just go away because I already feel like a SM of 2 anyway. He is saying i've changed as well. I haven't? advice please!!!

Hopless Unable to think anymore
  • replies: 1

Long story short...... kind of.... I made a mistake of having an ex as a friend on FB and commenting or liking some of his status's over a period of 7yrs (as well as commenting on other friends status's). My hubby then got FB and looked through my pr... View more

Long story short...... kind of.... I made a mistake of having an ex as a friend on FB and commenting or liking some of his status's over a period of 7yrs (as well as commenting on other friends status's). My hubby then got FB and looked through my profile and my ex's profile going back 9 years. He believes I have betrayed him, been disloyal and disrespectful in doing so. There was nothing at all that I wanted to hide. But I blocked my ex (at my husband's request) and have had no contact since. My hubby believed I'd cheated on him by doing this. Whenever we argue, he brings it up. Then he will call me horrendous names (I can't even repeat them) and mentally pound me into the ground. We move interstate (after my hubby agreed) due to my elderly father. Now every time we argue, he throws that and the FB issue up at me. How I took him and the kids from their home, work, friends and his adult children. He has packed his stuff and left me twice and has threatened to do this numerous times. He has now had to go and work away for about 6 weeks due to lack of work here. Now he's lonely. He got angry because I didn't call him before I looked on FB in the mornings (he worked nightshift). So I start to send him a message at 7am daily. Even so, he will still check at all times in the day/night whether I am on FB or messenger. If I am, he accuses me of chatting to people and not making him my priority. So I call him or message him before I look on FB. I barely talk to anyone on messenger now because he thinks I'm up to no good. Then he's not happy with the amount of time I spend on my phone. So I limit that. However, he can be playing his games on the ipad whenever he gets a spare minute. We have been to get help, but he never likes the people or they are costing money when he can watch motivational stuff on youtube. Bottom line is, I can't even think for myself anymore because my brain is like mashed potato. If I say what I think, he says my psych told me that. If I tell him how I feel, he responds with how I should imagine how he feels. He says that we wouldn't be like this if I hadn't have "chatted" to my ex or we didn't move. Maybe so, but he has chosen to stay with me so should he not let it go???? There is so so much more, but what I have written is enough for now. Sorry. I need some serious advice (good or bad), I can't do this by myself. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to seek help

Lozzy44 How do I support/contact boyfriend who has asked for space?
  • replies: 4

I have been seeing my boyfriend for the last 6 months. We don’t live together but have keys to each other’s apartments and have a holiday to Bali booked in 6 weeks. He works 6 nights a week and only gets Saturday night off so our weekends have been f... View more

I have been seeing my boyfriend for the last 6 months. We don’t live together but have keys to each other’s apartments and have a holiday to Bali booked in 6 weeks. He works 6 nights a week and only gets Saturday night off so our weekends have been full on. The routine has become texting in the morning when he finishes work and phone calls at night when he’s on the way to work. When we first got together, he”warned” me that he had come out of a bad breakup 3 years ago with his ex of 12 years and that combined with the death of his mum caused him to seek some counselling. He has purposely “hidden” away by working nights and doesn’t want to get hurt again. He told me about his low self worth and we shared our fears and concerns with each other. Despite this, he has let me in and we’ve developed really strong feelings for each other. I know he loves me and I love him. A few weeks ago he met my mum and not long after that he started to break routine and go silent. We ended up talking and he told me he’s in a dark place again and not sure about being in a relationship even though he loves being with me. He said things like “you’re born alone and we die alone so what’s the point of relationships when we just end up getting hurt?” Last week he told me he needs to be alone right now to get his thoughts in order. I have not been in contact for over a week now and I’m struggling with what to do. I am trying to give him space but I’m scared that too much time without contact will make him feel like I don’t care and that he’ll just keep lines of communication shut because of fear and embarrassment. I’m also really stressed because we have this non refundable holiday booked in 6 weeks. I don’t want to pressure him with questions about this but I don’t know what to do. Would it be ok to send him a text just to check up and let him know I miss him? Or would that be too much for him right now? How much time do I wait? What should I say? I think he’s protected himself by hiding away the last few years and then I’ve come into his life. We’ve made plans together and had amazingly happy times together and I’ve changed his routine. Has this scared him back into that place of anxiety and depression that he was in before? It all feels so sudden to me. We’ve gone from having plans, happiness, love and loads of affection to completely shutting me out. Any help would be so appreciated. I can’t stop thinking about him and worrying about where he’s at.