Need your advice
i am 34 years old male . I have been married nearly 8 years . I am really depressed and anxious all the time . Going through counseling with psychologist
I need your help to understand if I am the only one wrong .
1 - When we got married . My wife went to a party at her friends house after three or four weeks . I said ok . She said she was dancing without pants in dark with her friends and other men’s . And later a guy claimed she was sexual with him. My wife says she did not do anything wrong because nobody touched her or she never touched anyone . But I was abused because I went to pub with new work mates when I started a onsite job in different city . I don’t go to pubs normally or drink regularly . It was just to socialise . No women’s were involved.
2 - my wife had four kids and I had none when we met . she had freedom to spend her money whenever or whatever she wanted to spend on. She bought her kids whatever she wanted to and I thought it’s her money she can do it .
But when I tried to help my mum it was problem. She think I should only spend money in the house and don’t help my mum if she needed.
3 -in 2012 my wife bought a 5 year old commodore with 160000km for $23000 which was originally advertised for 17000. Dealer added extras things . And 23000 was borrowed from a bank on 20% interest rate . She did not ask me anything or discussed anything. When I said please don’t get this loan because it was going to cost $41000 in total . But she said I am going to pay from my pay.
In2014 When I got personal loan to help my parents it was a problem. Why did not I discussed with her. Our finances are together but why our finances are together only when I want to do something. She calls me arrogant what I found her arrogant when I ask her not get that car but she did it anyway
am I only one wrong or do I have any right to spend money out of my pay wherever I want to after paying most of the bills. Was it ok for my wife To go dance with other men’s or I was wrong to go for few drinks to pub just to get along with new work mates .
Hi Sam, and welcome to the forums.
The answer to question 1 is no she shouldn't have done that because you're not sure how far it went and perhaps may continue and if someone has told you that she had sex with him, then that's a
Question 2, in my marriage any money spent, had to be agreed on, and that's not including groceries, clothes etc, but anything that was expensive.
3, to spend that money should have been a joint decision and I tend to believe that you come
I would like to elaborate a little more and explain myself a little bit better.
Hi Sam K
Thank you for sharing your story. From what you have said, there apprears to be some double standards in your home.
Your wife is able to make independent financial decisions but you are not. It's really not fair or reasonable and I think you are right to question this.
I can also understand why you are upset by the drunken dancing night. There is a big difference between drinks with new work mates and what happened and might have happened at the party. Again, a double standard.
Are you able to discuss these issues with your wife without conflict? If not, you might like to try couples counselling. I think it's important for you to be able to express how you feel and hopefully bring about some positive change.
Kind thoughts to you
Hi Sam, question 1 is the first one that worries me because the trust has been broken between the two of you, and who do you believe your wife or your friend, that's a question you need to think about, especially as she has bought a $23,000 car without discussing this with you.
its more than just two arguments, I have been working full time and have been paying most of the bills . I am from India and My teeths need work so I thought I can go to India get work done because it’s cheaper over there and I can see my mum and my cousins , uncle aunties and friends . If I need root canal . I can end up spending couple grand on one tooth in Australia but I can get most of my teeth done in that amount. But every time I mention it I get abused it .
. Out of my pay which is 830
i pay 345 rent , 25 water bill , 300 food , 80 for my fuel , $69 internet bill per month plus 50 week electricity . Makes me feel like I should only spend money in the house
if she pay pay for food then oh I saved you money you should be happy
But recently she got job and only work few days a week as casual . And She have already spent couple of thousands whereever she wanted . Now she is buying spa worth of couple of grand of interest free .
buying things that’s not needed.
i wanted to buy heaps of things that I like but I have been putting it off because I am not making much money but she just using , after pay , zip money. Openpay
I have two girls and separation isn’t the good for them . I love them and they love me . Sometimes I think of suicide but I don’t want to do suicide because I don’t want to hurt my kids and my mother as I m the only child .
Hi Sam K
I'm very sorry to read that you are experiencing dark thoughts of suicide, due to your unhappy marriage and financial worries. I really want to encourage you to go and see your GP to discuss your mental health. I suggest making a double appointment, so you have plenty of time to talk. Your GP will be able to determine if you need further support or treatment.
This is really important because you matter. You matter to your girls, mother, extended family in India and so many other people. Please make your health and well being a priority.
I agree with you that the way your wife is spending money and controlling your ability to spend your pay is unfair. Do you think you two could sit down to plan a family budget? What do you think would happen if you asked her to pay half the rent? You could then save that money for your trip to India or other things that you want.
Kind thoughts to you
I have been going to the appointment with psychologist. I have told her everything what I said wrong or done wrong and what my wife done wrong . Psychologist have suggested suggested me to separate and because it won’t get better . But it’s too hard to make this decision. I just can’t see my girls upset so I just put fake smile while my mind is running millions miles.
She hates my mum and I can’t answer my Mums call or call her in the house if she is around. Normaly I do it when I am driving back from work . She won’t let my girls talk to my Mum even it’s just a hello because the language barrier. I did it few times while she wasn’t home but I got abused every time . Because I don’t tell my girls not to tell her.
If I was doing that and not letting her speak to her patients in the house and stop kids speaking to her parents it will be considered as abuse.
Life really sucks atm.
Hi Sam K
I am so pleased to hear that you are receiving professional help. It takes time and effort, so please be kind to yourself as you move through the process.
I really feel for you, my friend. Your children deserve to know their grandmother and your wife's behaviour is mean spirited. This must be very hurtful to you and I can understand why you upset. I would be too.
I know it's hard to leave your marriage and I know you don't want to hurt your girls. But here's the rub: your girls deserve the best version of you possible, a healthy dad that can love them and guide them through life.
Do you think you can be this dad whilst living with your wife?
Kind thoughts to you
It’s been few weeks since we argue because I have not said anything that would upset her. . She has been working only seven weeks now on casual basis . But she have already spent over $7000 through after pay , zip pay , and Openpay. Whatever she is looking on internet she is buying it . She told me she is getting spa which is worth around $2000 but when it got delivered I looked up on thier website it’s worth $5990 plus $500 shipping charges. And then she bought floor mats , wine cabinet and other little furniture which is worth around $500. I am not dare to ask how much is it worth because she will say I am working I am paying it .she got teeths done on Afterpay. She still owe money on the credit card.
To make room in the shed she has been throwing good stuff which she can sell on gumtree but no she need space. But when she want to buy stuff she will tell the benefits when she don’t want it she tell you the negatives and it’s taking space .
On the other side I am trying not to use my credit card or any of these Afterpay or zippay. Trying to spend what I earn. I wanted to get few things which is worth around $200 and I am waiting when it’s go on special. Now I am thinking I should get a loan of$5000 so I can go to india, I can get my teeth fix there because it’s cheaper over there and I can see my Mum and other relatives.but I am worried when I will say that it will be issue.
She os older than me and her older son have kids which he was not letting her see . She is trying to reconcile with his gf so she can see her grandkids. But on the other side she won’t let my kids talk to my mother which makes me angry and stressed. I wanted to teach my girls my language but she won’t let me because she say you want to teach kids language so kids can talk to your mother.
i going to put that on table about teaching the girls my language and going to India to get my teeth fix on a loan . If I get abused this time . I am not going to argue . I am just thinking about leaving without saying a single word and just take my work clothes , my car and few little things. And give her full control of the kids thats what crave for but she won’t have control over me.